


Let Me In

by labryslazuli



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5304941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labryslazuli/pseuds/labryslazuli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama is a shut-in, perfectly content to never have any contact with the outside world. But everything changes when a certain boy appears outside his door with a mission to get him out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So uh... I haven't written fic in about a decade, and I am only just beginning my descent into volleyball hell. If you see any glaring errors or anything that could be improved, feel free to leave as much constructive criticism as you'd like. I hope you enjoy reading!

                Bright orange sunlight filtered through a set of perpetually-closed blinds and into the small room they shielded. Under normal circumstances, the light could be described as soft or even romantic, but given the scene it was spilling into, it came off as more sickly than anything. Trash bags full of take-out containers and instant noodle cups lined two of the walls, and various dishes and wrappers were scattered about on every open surface. The room’s sole inhabitant looked right at home in his surroundings, his black hair overgrown and unwashed, and his complexion a drained, unhealthy pale.

                He hadn’t always been like this, of course. As a young high schooler, he had been more or less normal, with friends and everything. But that had been years ago, before he shut himself away from the world for good. Now he spent every day sitting alone in his gloomy apartment, passing the time with video games and internet forums.

                Absentmindedly scrolling the wheel of his mouse, he sighed and rested his head on his hand. The same tired arguments and image macros whirled past, reflected in his unfocused, unmoving eyes. _Nothing good today either_ , he thought to himself. After clicking a few more links, he sighed again and shut his laptop. He uncurled his legs from under him and stretched his arms up and back, groaning slightly as his joints popped. _Maybe I should just sleep through the day again._

                Instead of making a move to do anything, he leaned back onto the bed behind him and stared at a spot on the far wall just above the TV.

                A few moments passed.

                He barely even blinked.

                A few hours passed.

                Slowly, the young man squinted in the direction of the window. When had the light gotten so bright? Legs shaking slightly, he forced himself onto his feet and carefully made his way over to close the curtains, making sure to step only where there was open floor. He leaned over a garbage pile to reach the curtain tie and fumbled with it for a bit before it finally came loose and allowed the room to dim. As he turned back to return to his former position, his foot caught on a stray piece of debris, sending him stumbling sideways. “Shitshitshitshitsh-“ He flailed his arms frantically, trying to find something to hold onto. He clenched his eyes shut and braced for impact.

                _Fwump_.

                Slowly opening one eye, he let out one long, relieved breath. Somehow, he had landed on his bed. He propped himself up on his elbows to survey the state of the room. There was a glass of… something that had spilled onto the floor. He squinted at it, furrowing his eyebrows. _It looks partially dried up… Maybe it’s been like that for a while? Oh well, whatever it is, it can stay like that for a little longer._ He collapsed onto his back and stared blankly at the ceiling.

                Another few moments passed.

                He had to remind himself to breathe sometimes.

                Another hour, maybe.

                By now his eyes were closed, and his breathing slow and steady. Neither fully awake nor asleep, his mind drifted away to nowhere. No thoughts, no feelings, just nothing.

                It was peaceful there. Peaceful and safe.

\---

                Dark blue eyes shot open and muscles tensed as the shut-in suddenly found himself fully conscious. _What happened? What time is it?_ A loud series of knocks on the door resounded through the cramped space. _Who? Why….?_ He racked his brain trying to think of who on earth would be at his door. _Parents? No, they would have called._ He glanced at his phone to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. _Delivery? I didn’t order any food… ah, mail-order! The game I ordered might be here…_

                A louder, more impatient barrage of knocks began its assault on his ears. “Hang on, I’m coming,” he yelled out, his voice deep and coarse. He squeezed his head in his hands and winced. _Can they keep it down?_

                He pulled himself up off the bed and shuffled over to the front door, scratching a spot on his lower back. Peeking through the peephole, he scowled. Whoever was out there wasn’t wearing the usual mail delivery uniform. _The hell is this? What’s up with the orange hair?_

                “What do you want?” His voice shook slightly as he raised his voice.

                “Are you Kageyama Tobio?” He flinched at the sound of his own name being spoken in such a painfully cheerful tone.

                “What do you want?” he repeated, his voice louder and steadier this time.

                “My name’s Hinata! I’ve been assigned to you!” Kageyama’s scowl deepened as he continued staring at the unwelcome visitor through the peephole. _What’s with this kid? Looking at him is like staring directly into the sun._

                “What do you mean, ‘assigned?’”

                Hinata’s smile faltered slightly, but only for a moment before it regained all of its former radiance and then some. “I’ve been sent here to help you!”

                “I don’t need any help.” Pushing away from the door, Kageyama slouched into his tiny kitchen by the entranceway.

                “If that were true, I wouldn’t have gotten assigned to you!” _Again with “assigned.”_ He poured himself a glass of water, pointedly ignoring the voice coming from outside. “Come on, talk to me!” More incessant knocking. “Open up!”

                Kageyama gulped his water slowly and deliberately, trying to shut everything out.

                “Okay fine. But I’ll be back!” _Please don’t._

_\---_

                Four days went by with no sign of the orange-headed nuisance. The first day had been tense, with Kageyama on edge and expecting to be disturbed at any moment. Every time he heard footsteps outside the door, he felt every muscle in his body tighten, and he kept his eye on the peephole almost constantly. But they all passed by without incident, neighbors returning to their own homes. On the second day, he had relaxed a bit, allowing himself only to peek outside at particularly suspicious noises. By the third, he had almost returned to normal, and by the fourth, he had all but forgotten about the incident. He carried on as he always did, alternating between zoning out and killing time with mindless entertainment. It was a good day.

                The fifth day was not so kind to him.

                He awoke with a start to a firm knock on his door. _Oh no. No no no no no._ He scrambled to the apartment entrance, tripping over trash and his own feet in his rush. He stumbled into the door with a _bump_ , frantically looking through the peephole. The color drained from his face as he took in the blinding orange.

                Hinata was looking at the door with a concerned look on his face. “Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?”

                “What do you want?” How many times would Kageyama have to ask before he got an actual answer?

                “Um, I brought you something!” Hinata smiled somewhat nervously, hands behind his back.

                _Shit, is this guy a stalker? Is he going to try to give me a severed cat’s head or something? Oh god, what if it’s a lockpick or something what if he forces his way in what if he attacks me what if-_

                “Ta-dah!” Kageyama instinctively flinched away as Hinata revealed what he had been hiding.

                _It’s… just a normal convenience store bag._ He let out a long, shaking sigh.

                “I thought since you don’t like to go out, you might appreciate it if I got you some tasty things!” Hinata started digging through the plastic bag. “Let’s see, I have a donut, a few rice balls, some umaibou – I didn’t know what flavors you liked so I just grabbed random ones – a meat bun, melon bread… Oh and some fresh fruit too, just in case you needed it. And then there’s-”

                “I can just order anything I want and have it delivered, you know.”

                “…Oh.” The light went out from the boy’s smile, but he didn’t let it fall completely. “I guess you can… But it would be a shame to let it all go to waste since I already bought it!”

                “Eat it yourself, then.”

                “That… That’s not…” He deflated even more, his smile now more nervous than anything else. Kageyama almost felt bad for him. Almost. “I got it for you.”

                “I never asked for anything.”

                “Can I at least give it to you? You can throw it away if you don’t want it, I just-“

                “No. Go away.”

                Hinata’s eyes darted around like he was looking for some kind of sign telling him what to do next. _Why is this guy so persistent? It’s creeping me out…_

                “Um… I’ll just leave it in front of the door, then. And uh, I’ll go.” Kageyama watched as Hinata bent down, and heard the shuffling of the plastic bag against the door. One more flash of orange and a half-hearted wave, and he was gone.

                Kageyama stayed at the door, perfectly unmoving and vigilantly watching through the peephole. He didn’t know how long he stood there, just that he had to keep watching, waiting, guarding the door, he couldn’t let him in he couldn’t let _anyone in everyone just needs to stay away get out stay away leave get out don’t touch me don’t look at me don’t-_

He snapped out of his trance-like state with a jolt, shaking his head vigorously back and forth to dispel his thoughts. _No one’s here. It’s okay. I’m okay._ He glanced back outside. _See? Perfectly fine._

                Remembering the bag of convenience store snacks sitting just on the other side of the door, he touched the doorknob gingerly. _It can’t hurt to take it, right?_ He opened the door slightly, leaving the sliding lock on. The bag in front of him on the ground was nearly overflowing with all kinds of treats. His stomach growled loudly. _How long has it been since I last ate?_

                He shut the door to release the lock, then opened it just wide enough to grab the bag and drag it inside. There was only one thing on his mind as he searched through the contents. His eyes lit up when he felt something warm in his hand, and he felt his mouth fill with saliva. _Bun!_ He hastily removed the meat bun from its wrapping and brought it to his lips. His teeth had just barely made contact with the soft bread when he stopped himself.

                _Wait… what if it’s poisoned?_ He sat frozen in the entranceway, bun in his mouth and beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Hands shaking, he slowly pulled the bun away.

                Several minutes passed with Kageyama in silent contemplation over the safety of the food in his hands. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

                _So what if it is poisoned._ He opened his eyes to stare blankly ahead as he took a large bite.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama is sad and eats things: the thrilling second installment. .-.  
> Much thanks and lots of love to everyone who left kudos and comments~ <3 This chapter is quite a bit shorter than I had planned, but I hope you like it!

                Kageyama found himself hunched over the toilet, expelling with a sputtering cough what he hoped to be the last of the contents of his stomach. Breathing heavily, he reached up to the counter above his head, feeling around for something to clean himself up with and knocking over his toothbrush and a stray glass in the process. He let out another series of coughs as he finally managed to grab a tissue and pull it down to cover his mouth. After wiping his face as clean as he could, he blew his nose, feeling the burn of acid in his nostrils as they cleared.

                He pushed himself back to lean against the bathroom wall, unconsciously dropping the tissue on the floor as he fell backwards heavily. His head connected with the wall with a resounding _thunk_ , causing him to wince and let out a low groan.

                _I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that garbage at once_ , he thought, regretting every bite of pre-packaged convenience store food that he had taken. He stubbornly ignored the word “poison” repeating over and over loudly in his mind. _This always happens when I eat too much…_

                As a tired, empty relaxation swept over his body, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Everything was so heavy. He felt the pressure of the air around him like it was water, and the amount of effort it took just to keep inhaling and exhaling normally was enough to send him into a half-conscious state.

                A burning sensation gradually spread over his throat as he tried to collect himself.

                _Water._

                After a moment of silent deliberation, Kageyama sluggishly hoisted himself to his feet and hobbled over to the kitchen to get a drink. The sound of running water was the only thing going through his head as he watched his glass fill up under the tap.

                He took several tentative sips, then waited a few seconds to make sure they stayed down. Satisfied, he gulped down half the glass, forced himself to stop to take a breath, and then downed the rest. Letting out a final cough, he wandered out of the kitchen and over to his bed. He lightly flopped forward onto it, burying his face in his pillow. He had hardly been awake for two hours and he was already completely exhausted from the day so far.

                _I wonder if that guy’s gonna come back._ Kageyama removed the pillow from under him and slammed it down on the back of his head, face now firmly planted in the mattress. _I don’t know how much more of this I can take._

                He kept his position for entirely too long before finally flinging the pillow to the floor and sitting upright, gasping for air. _Alright, I just need a distraction._

                There was a moment of stillness as he glanced between his TV and his laptop, trying to decide which would do a better job of taking his mind off of things. Settling on the television, he grabbed the remote from the small dresser at the head of his bed and switched the power on. The screen lit up with a gaggle of celebrities laughing brightly on some colorful talk show set.

                Kageyama scowled as he changed the channel. Smiling faces were suddenly replaced with an extreme close-up of some kind of steaming hot vegetable dish. Feeling his stomach lurch and quickly bringing up a hand to cover his mouth, he changed the channel again. The news. Next channel. Another talk show. Next channel. The weather. Next channel. More food. _No thank you._ Next channel.

                The scene changed to a picturesque walkway in a park, the leaves of the surrounding trees just starting to turn for fall. A soothing female voice provided some narration about romantic autumn date locations.

_That time of year already?_ It was easy to lose track of time.

                He idly let his mind wander to a place similar to the one currently shown on screen.

                Clothed in his high school uniform, he sat leaning casually against the largest tree in the school courtyard, feeling the cool breeze flow through his hair and watching the fallen leaves scattered on the ground get disrupted and swept away. It was the perfect spot for lunch, and today was the perfect day, except that he was alone. He fidgeted with the cloth covering his unopened bento. How long would he have to wait?

                _Hurry up. I want to see you._

                Stale air flooded Kageyama’s senses as he suddenly landed back in reality. He shook his head, willing the unwanted image away. His attention turned back to the screen, where a happy-looking couple held hands smiling as they walked through the park.

                His mood was worsening by the second.

                He switched the TV off with a bit too much force before bitterly throwing the remote on the floor. There had to be something to do that wouldn’t piss him off.

                Sliding off the bed and onto the floor, he reached over for his headphones on the far side of the table while simultaneously flipping his laptop open. The screen lit up with the gaming forum he had left open the last time he went online. With a light huff, he closed the browser and started untangling his headphone cord. He gave up once it was mostly free of knots and plugged it in to the side of the computer, only missing the jack once or twice before it went in.

                What he needed right now was some music.

                He opened up his music library to the playlist he used to calm himself down. Soon enough, soft melodies and gently echoing tones carried him away and detached him from himself. His head landed on the table in front of him, no longer able to keep itself up. Although his eyes were open and pointed at the wall, he saw nothing.

\---

                This time, only two days went by before Hinata payed another visit. Strangely enough, Kageyama was much less distressed about it than before. After recognizing the knock on his door, he calmly made his way over to peek through the peephole. Hinata was looking very pleased with himself, rocking back and forth on his feet as he patiently waited for a response.

                “What is it this time?” Hinata’s eyes lit up and his smile brightened as he heard Kageyama address him through the door.

                “I see the present I left you is gone.”

                “So it is.”

                “Was it to your liking, your majesty?”

                Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows at the sudden cheery sarcasm. _What, does he suddenly think he’s my friend or something?_ “It made me sick.”

                Hinata’s grin suddenly dropped as he lifted a hand to cover his mouth. He looked genuinely worried. “Oh god, I’m so sorry! Are you feeling okay now? What is it that you think made you sick? Did I put something you’re allergic to in there? I swear I didn’t mean to, it won’t happen again! Should I get you some medicine? Is there a ce-“

                “Will you shut up?” Kageyama snapped through the door. Hinata immediately shut his mouth and straightened his stance, looking a bit like he was about to be sick himself. “Just… just tell me why you’re here.”

                “Um…” The orange-haired boy dropped his gaze to the ground as he shuffled his feet. “I brought you more food, but I guess that’s not really…” His voice trailed off, and he brought up a hand to scratch the back of his head. Kageyama stood in silence, curious to see what would be offered to him next. Clearing his throat nervously, Hinata lifted a plastic bag within sight of the peephole. “It’s not as much this time, but they don’t do deliveries, so it’s not something you could get on your own.” His smile was returning slowly. “I’ll leave it out here again, so just go ahead and take it when you’re ready. I’ll see you later!” He carefully bent down to set the bag on the ground, then turned and ran off with a smile and a wave.

                Pressing an ear to the door, Kageyama listened to the fading sound of Hinata’s footsteps. As soon as they disappeared completely, he opened the door. He poked his head out into the walkway and quickly glanced in both directions. No sign of anyone. He grabbed the bag off the ground hastily and shut the door again.

                There was only one small cardboard box inside. Its blank, plain white surface gave no hint as to what it contained. He lifted it out of the plastic bag and raised an eyebrow at it curiously. It was too heavy to be something like a piece of cake, but he wasn’t sure what else would come in a box like this. As he slid a finger under the lid to open it, his eyes widened and his mouth started to water.

                _This is_ …

                He lifted the box up to his face, breathing in the spicy scent floating from it. There was no mistaking it.

                _Curry bread! From the shop down the street._ His sudden exposure to the once familiar smell brought back so many memories. He used to stop by the shop at least once a week on his way home from school. The woman at the register would smile cheerfully at him, calling him by name, asking him how classes were going, asking if he’d finally found a girlfr-

                Kageyama blinked hard, scrunching up his face and clearing his mind. None of that mattered now. What did matter was that he had a rare treat in front of him. How many years had it been since he’d been able to have one of these? And, he noticed with the closest feeling he had to delight, there were two. They were still warm.

                Eagerly, he snatched one of the buns out of the box and bit off the biggest piece he could. The outside was crisp without being greasy, fried to absolute perfection. Curry filling gushed out into his mouth, stinging his tongue with heat and spice.

                He was crying.

                The first bun was gone in three bites. Not even waiting to swallow what he already had in his mouth, he reached for the second one. As soon as he touched it, his hand froze.

                _Don’t waste it. You’ll get sick again._

He furrowed his eyebrows and stared the box down for several minutes. Finally, he let out a long sigh and closed the lid. He would at least wait until he had a chance to digest, which might be a while, considering he had barely chewed.

\---

                A few hours later, Kageyama sat in front of the TV with a controller in his hands and the now cold curry bread hanging from his mouth. The new game he had ordered had finally arrived, and he intended to enjoy it properly. He absentmindedly gnawed on his bread while the opening cutscene finished up. You’re the chosen one, go kill the big bad, save the world - the usual.

                He popped the remainder of the bun into his mouth and wiped his hand on his shirt when it was finally time to actually play. Savoring the last bite, he chewed as slowly as he could manage.

                Today was a good day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing. Someone stop me.

                Nearly thirty hours of non-stop dungeon crawling later, Kageyama was passed out on the floor with his TV and game system still running. A puddle of drool was starting to form next to his mouth, and every few seconds he let out a near-silent snore. His eyebrows and fingertips twitched every so often in his slumber.

                He was back behind the gymnasium at his school, curled up in the fetal position on the ground. He clutched at his stomach, feeling the deep ache of a future bruise. The metallic taste of blood pinged at the tip of his tongue. There was no point in telling any of the teachers about this, he knew that by now. But what would he tell his parents? How many more excuses could he come up with before they noticed and started asking questions? His eyes burned as despair washed over him. He curled his body up more tightly, shoulders shuddering.

                A sudden flash of pain brought him back to the waking world. Inhaling sharply and squinting his eyes open, he looked over to where his hand was clutching his side, overgrown fingernails digging into flesh. He relaxed his grip and brought his hand up to examine it.

                _Good, no blood this time._

                He pushed himself up into a sitting position and wiped the drool off his cheek with his sleeve. Arching his back and stretching his limbs out, he yawned widely and then slumped backwards, draping himself over his bed. His stomach let out a loud, gurgling growl.

                Instinctively, he turned his gaze toward the apartment door. He let his eyes rest on it for a full minute, halfway expecting a certain someone to come knocking. Shaking his head, he forced his attention to the table in front of him. _I can’t rely on some random stranger to feed me from now on._ He opened his laptop and started browsing through all the nearby delivery places he had bookmarked. In the middle of skimming through a pizza menu, he glanced up at the door again. He rested his chin on his hand and sighed as he halfheartedly added some random items to his order. His eyes flashed quickly to the door once more and back. The order was ready to be placed. He hovered his cursor over the “Pay” button.

                There was a knock on the door.

                _No way._

                Kageyama scrambled to his feet and nearly tripped and fell as he bolted toward the door. As he looked through the peephole, a weird tingling feeling spread from the top of his head and down through his throat before finally settling somewhere in his chest. Hinata was waiting outside bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet, his expression neutral and his hands behind his back. Kageyama clenched his fists and took a deep breath.

                “You’re back.” _Stupid, that’s obvious!_

“Yep!” A light smile made its way onto Hinata’s face as he replied. “I actually dropped by a few hours ago, but you didn’t respond.”

                Kageyama tilted his head slightly to one side. _Maybe when I was asleep?_ “I didn’t hear you.”

                “Oh, alright.” An awkward pause filled the air. Hinata scratched at his neck and repositioned himself nervously. “Um, well, since you didn’t answer I thought maybe you were sick again, so I brought some stomach medicine for you.”

                _Damn, no food._ Kageyama stood silently, deciding against voicing his disappointment.

                “Well then.” Hinata’s arms flopped down to his sides. “I can put it by the door like usual, so… So take care of yourself, okay?” He pulled a small bottle out of his pocket, dropping his smile as he moved to bend down.

                “Wait.”

                Hinata froze mid-motion. It was a few seconds before he straightened up again, a curious expression on his face. “What’s up?”

                Unfortunately, Kageyama didn’t have an answer. He hadn’t meant to say anything, and now he had no idea how to react. His eyes darted around frantically, hoping some brilliant response would come to him from somewhere. The sound of blood rushing past his ears came suddenly and overwhelmingly, and he could barely feel his hands as he reached for the doorknob. A small but audible gasp came from the other side of the door as it clicked open.

                _Shit, what am I doing?!_

The sliding lock only allowed the door to open a couple of inches, but even such a limited field of vision was enough to make Hinata’s presence overwhelming. His eyes were wide and sparkling, and the smile plastered on his face was more enormous and ridiculous than any Kageyama had seen before. Kageyama could only meet his eyes for a moment before he averted his gaze to the ground, suddenly feeling very lightheaded.

                Hinata leaned in a bit closer. “What is it?”

                Every muscle in Kageyama’s body strained with desperation to slam the door shut, but he found himself completely unable to move. He tried to open his mouth to say something, anything. He couldn’t even breathe.

                Hinata let out a small, breathy laugh. It didn’t seem like he was expecting anything.

                “Here.”

                Startled by the hand suddenly extending towards him, Kageyama flinched and inhaled sharply. He relaxed a bit when he saw that he was just being offered the bottle of medicine from before. Shaking, he slowly let out the breath that had been trapped in his lungs.

                “I feel fine. I don’t need it.”

                “Oh! Well that’s good!” Hinata’s hand fell back to his side.

                Feeling a bit more collected than before, Kageyama cautiously allowed himself another glance at the boy on the other side of the door. Despite being so small - much smaller than Kageyama had estimated - he had a presence that radiated off of him like sunlight, filling up a larger space than he physically occupied. Kageyama felt as if he were being simultaneously pulled in and pushed away by him.

                “So um…” Kageyama jumped at the sound of Hinata’s voice. A rush of embarrassment swept over him as he realized that he had been staring. He quickly broke eye contact and settled his gaze somewhere down and off to the side. “Since I’m here, do you think maybe I cou-“

                Hinata was cut off by Kageyama’s stomach growling loudly. Mortified, Kageyama screwed his eyes shut and shrank into himself. _Dear god please let me just disappear._

                The sound of Hinata laughing reverberated throughout the walkway outside and into the apartment. It was a bright laugh, not malicious or taunting. Nonetheless, Kageyama felt his face reddening as a gnawing feeling grew deep inside his chest.

                “Do you want me to grab some food for you?”

                Kageyama couldn’t bring himself to look up and Hinata. Unable to speak, he just nodded.

                “Alright, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back!”

                Keeping his eyes shut, Kageyama listened to Hinata’s fading footsteps. When he opened his eyes, all he could see through the crack in the door was an empty walkway. He closed the door slowly and quietly. Burying his face in his hands, he put his back to the door and slid down onto the floor. His breathing gradually quickened and intensified.

                _why is he doing this why is he being nice to me why I am I letting him why did I open the door what does he want why is this happening stop breathe calm down breathe stop it stop it make it stop don’t come back don’t look at me like that don’t laugh at me BREATHE_

He sat hyperventilating and pulling at his hair, the apartment blurring and swirling around him. Closing his eyes, he focused on the rhythm of his breathing. He forced himself to slow, carefully counting out how many seconds each inhale and exhale lasted until his head stopped spinning and he was grounded again. He had just started to feel almost relaxed when he heard footsteps outside his door.

                _That was fast._ Kageyama’s pulse quickened as he stood up to confirm the fact that Hinata had returned. He cracked the door open once again to see the orange-haired boy poised to knock, two flat plastic containers in hand.

                Hinata looked surprised for a moment before smiling widely up at Kageyama. “Did you miss me?”

                “Why should I?” Kageyama responded with a scowl.

                “Yeah yeah, I know you only care about the food.” Hinata let out a resigned sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh as he turned one of the boxes he was holding sideways to slip in through the door. “I got us some yakisoba.” _Us?_ “Here’s yours. It’s from the stand across the street.”

                Careful to avoid touching Hinata’s hand, Kageyama took the container and pulled it inside. “Th… thank you.”

                Hinata looked at Kageyama bright-eyed like he had just done something unimaginably incredible. Kageyama looked away, suddenly hyperaware of every part of his body.

                “No problem!” Hinata was practically jumping at this point. Kageyama had never seen anyone get so excited over so little. “I was thinking maybe we could eat together, if that’s alright with you.”

                Kageyama took a small step away from the door. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

                “Well you see, when two people purposefully do something in the same place at the same time with each other, we call that doing it ‘together’. And ‘eating’ is when you-“

                “I know that, dumbass.” Kageyama’s grip on the doorknob tightened, turning his knuckles white. “I’m not going out there.”

                “That’s fine. I’ll sit right here and you can stay in there and we can talk and enjoy each other’s company and stuff.”

                Kageyama floundered for a moment. It had been so long since anyone had expressed the desire to spend time with him, and he wasn’t sure how to react to it. He gave one short, silent nod, surprising himself with his willingness.

                “Really?” Just when Kageyama thought Hinata’s smile couldn’t get any brighter, it almost doubled in intensity. “I guess it’s true what they say, then!”

                “What’s that?”

                “The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

                Kageyama narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brow, trying to gauge Hinata’s intentions. _Did… did he just wink at me?_

                “You know what, I’ve changed my mind.” Not breaking eye contact, Kageyama slammed the door shut.

                “Oh come on, don’t be like that! It was a joke!” Hinata pleaded through the door. Ignoring the whining voice coming from outside, Kageyama slouched over to the table by his bed. A loud, indignant huff made its way through the door. “Fine, be that way.” There was a light thump followed by the sound of something sliding down the door. “I’m not leaving, though.”

                Kageyama took the chopsticks from on top of the plastic container in front of him and split them apart, but the yakisoba suddenly looked entirely unappetizing. He poked at the noodles with his chopsticks, not really intending to eat any of it.

                “Hey, this is really good.” Hinata’s voice was muffled both by the door and, presumably, a mouthful of food.  “Don’t you think so?” Kageyama pretended not to hear. “DON’T YOU THINK SO?”

                “I’m not eating, so I wouldn’t know.” Kageyama spat in the general direction of the entrance.

                “That’s no good. After I went through all the trouble of getting it for you…” A pang of guilt rang through Kageyama’s chest. “Come on.” Hinata lightly knocked twice. “Sit. Eat.”

                Reluctantly, Kageyama grabbed his box of food and shuffled back to the door. He turned on the spot, lowering himself to the ground and leaning his back against the door. He swore he could almost feel an unusual warmth emitting from it.

                “You sitting?”

                “Yeah.”

                “You eating?”

                “No.”

                “If you don’t start eating I’ll sit here all day bothering you.”

                “…Fine.” Kageyama cautiously grabbed a few noodles with his chopsticks and brought them up to his mouth. He was pleasantly surprised at how well-cooked they were. Judging by the packaging, he had expected something more haphazardly thrown together, but the flavors and textures were excellently balanced.

                “You eating now?”

                Kageyama made an affirmative sort of noise through his mouthful of yakisoba.

                “And?”

                He swallowed. “Not bad.”

                “Uh huh. You’re welcome.”

                A silence fell as the two continued eating on either side of the door. The quiet persisted until they had both finished their meal and set their empty boxes aside.

                “You know…” It was Hinata who finally broke the silence. “You’ve got a lot of really nice restaurants around here. It’s a shame if you only stick to the ones that deliver.”

                “Why do you care?”

                “There’s just a lot out there that’s worth seeing.”

                “Are you not from the area?” Kageyama hoped his attempt at switching topics wasn’t too transparent.

                “Nope. I’m from a bit outside the city.”

                “Are you here for school or something then?” Hinata looked about the right age to be starting college.

                “Ah, no, I’ve already graduated.”

                Kageyama raised an eyebrow. “How old are you”

                “Twenty-three.”

                One surprised intake of breath later and Kageyama was choking on his own spit. _He’s older than me?_ “Are you shitting me?”

                “It’s not that surprising! What, just because I’m short I can’t possibly be an actual adult? Do you wanna go? Get your ass out here and I will take you out, I swear to god.” Hinata banged on the door several times for emphasis. “How old are you then?”

                “…Almost twenty-three.” Kageyama used the phrasing that made him least feel like he had lost.

                “Hah, I win!”

                “It’s not a competition.” His face flushed as he silently berated himself for his own blatant hypocrisy. “So is this part of your job then?”

                “Huh?”

                “Coming here. Are you a social worker or something?”

                Hinata hummed for a moment before answering. “Between the two, I’d say I’m ‘something.’”

                “But you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for your ‘assignment,’ right?”

                “Well, that’s true I guess… but right now I’m here because I want to be.”

                “Why?” _Why would anyone want to be near me?_

                Hinata made a noncommittal noise before changing the subject. “What about you? Why are you here?”

                “I live here.”

                A dry laugh rang through the air and through the door. “That’s not what I meant.” Of course, Kageyama knew very well what Hinata had meant, but that didn’t make him any more willing to give an answer.

                “What, you didn’t hear all about me when you were ‘assigned’ to me?” Kageyama found himself feeling more bitter about the matter than he should be, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on why.

                “Nope. All I know is your name and that you’ve been in there for a while. And I want to help you.”

                “Spare me your pity. I don’t want your help.”

                “I’m still going to try.” There was a shuffling sound from outside followed by a small grunt and a sigh. “Give me your trash, I’ll throw it out.”

                Despite himself, Kageyama grabbed the empty box beside him and pushed himself up onto his feet. He eyed the container distastefully for a few seconds before deciding _fuck it_ , and sliding off the lock on the door.

                Hinata beamed at him as he opened the door fully. He tried to appreciate the sight, but it was too much all at once. Hinata was just too bright and warm and small and overflowing and cu-

                Kageyama quickly looked away, trying his best to hide his face without actually covering it. He pushed the empty food container outwards, paying little attention to where it ended up. “Thanks. H-… Hinata, right?”

                Hinata smiled as he took the box from Kageyama and stacked it on top of his own. “Yep! Hinata Shouyou. Nice to meet you properly!” He extended his free hand forward.

                After hesitating for a moment, Kageyama grasped the small hand in front of him and gave it a light shake.

                “Hey, I just thought of something!” Hinata had yet to let go of Kageyama’s hand, and he started yanking it up and down excitedly. “I should cook for you!”

                “What?” Kageyama struggled to remove his hand from Hinata’s grip and pulled it behind his back to safety.

                “It’s perfect! You can’t just eat take-out all the time, and I can… sort of… cook.” The enthusiastic aura around Hinata started to dim slightly, only to come back full force. “You’d like that right? I can make sure you get at least one decent meal a day and you can get some actual social interaction. What do you think?”

                “O-okay.” _Wait, what?_

                “For real? Awesome!” Hinata pumped a fist in the air triumphantly. “Okay, I’ll be back here at about noon tomorrow with some ingredients, so be ready for me.”

                _Wait, WHAT?_

“Hang on!” Kageyama tried to get Hinata to pause for even a few seconds to clarify, but he was already bounding away down the walkway.  Letting out an exasperated sigh, Kageyama leaned out the door and watched Hinata’s small figure get farther away and disappear down the stairs.

                He pulled himself back inside and shut and locked the door behind him. A stabbing pain shot through his head from his temple, and he closed his eyes and pushed the palms of his hands against them, hard.

                _What the hell did I just agree to?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to have this chapter done and posted yesterday, but it just kept getting longer. WHOOPS.

                Kageyama rolled over in his bed, pulling the blankets up to shield his eyes from the morning sunlight. Between his nerves and the unpleasant dreams he had been having, he had barely managed to get two hours of sleep. He was decidedly not ready to face the day.

                Groaning tiredly, he reached over and pulled his phone off his dresser to check the time. He released an aggravated breath and dropped the phone to the floor. Only two more hours until his guest was supposed to arrive.

                How was he supposed to prepare for this? He couldn’t even remember the last time he had had a visitor aside from his parents. What on earth would Hinata even want to do once he got here? What do friends normally together?

                _Friends…?_

                Irritated, Kageyama kicked off the blankets and rolled onto the floor, flipping his laptop open as he brought himself to a sitting position. He opened up a new search and paused for a moment, hands poised and ready at the keyboard. Slowly, he began typing.

                He clicked on the first search result on the page, mentally kicking himself for being so pathetic.

 

                                                How to be a Good Host

                                                Step 1: Make sure the place is clean

 

                Kageyama gave the disaster that was his apartment a once-over. _Not a chance._

 

                                                Step 2: Have a menu planned

 

                Hinata would be bringing food, so that wouldn’t be necessary, right?

 

                                                Step 3: Be ready to make interesting conversation

 

                Laughing dryly, Kageyama ignored the rest of the advice on the screen, then closed the browser and his laptop. It was a stupid thing to look up anyway.

                He stumbled over to the bathroom and caught sight of himself in the mirror. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than usual, his hair was disgusting and ratted, and his skin looked downright corpse-like. _How long have I been wearing these clothes, again?_

                Even if the apartment was beyond help, he could at least clean himself up. He let out a resigned sigh as he pulled his shirt off.

\---

                What was supposed to be a quick rinse somehow turned into an hour-long soak in the bath. Kageyama cursed to himself while running a towel over his hair. He staggered out into the main room and to his dresser. Opening one of the drawers, he pulled out whatever crumpled-up clothes were on top. Everything he owned was way too baggy on him by this point, so it didn’t matter much what he put on.

                Once dressed, he made his way back to the bathroom to examine himself in the mirror once more. Of course, washing had done nothing for his complexion, but he thought he looked a bit more presentable. He fiddled with his bangs for a few seconds before brushing them out of his eyes.

                _Does it look alright like this?_

                He scowled at his reflection for at least a minute, then deliberately messed up his hair with both of his hands. _Why do I care?_ After a final glare at the mirror, he ran one hand through his hair again to smooth it back out.

                He walked out and picked up the phone from off the floor next to his bed. There was still almost an hour until Hinata said he would be here.

                Not putting the phone down, Kageyama started pacing around the room. He needed something to occupy his mind while he waited. He racked his brain for any kind of distraction. None of the usual methods struck him as being particularly effective in the moment, so he kept pacing. He walked around and around the center table again and again and again and again until the room started spinning. It got to the point where he felt like he might faint, so he dropped to the ground and sat staring at the floor. He sat, unblinking and blank, for what felt like an eternity.

                A single, resounding _thunk_ snapped him out of his zoned-out state. Startled, he jumped and jerked his head around in search of the source of the noise. A moment passed by without any other sounds. He looked at the clock on his phone. Fifteen minutes.

                Another _thunk_ , even louder this time. It was definitely coming from the door.

                “Kageyama! Open the door, my arms are tired!”

                Kageyama pushed himself up onto his feet, emitting a low whining noise. He ambled over to the door, unlocking it without bothering to look outside first. Sure enough, when he opened the door he found himself face-to-face with his guest.

                “Oh thank god, take some of these from me.” Hinata strained to lift up his arms, only managing to bring them up a couple of inches under the weight of all the grocery bags he was holding. Kageyama didn’t move a millimeter.

                “You’re early.”

                “I said _around_ noon.” Hinata’s scrunched-up face started turning red from exertion.

                “Why did you bring so much crap?”

                “I figured you wouldn’t have much to work with. _Please,_ Kageyama.”

                After floundering for a split second, Kageyama reached out to take the bags hanging from Hinata’s right hand. He nearly dropped them as their full weight was transferred to him.

                Hinata let out an exaggerated sigh of relief as he redistributed his remaining bags between his hands. “Ugh, thanks. I seriously thought my arms were gonna fall off.”

                Staring down at the load of various ingredients he was holding, Kageyama didn’t make any attempt to respond.

                “So, uh… Can I come in?”

                Kageyama glanced up to meet Hinata’s eyes, which were shining with anticipation.

                “Is it too late to say ‘no’?”

                “Way too late.”

                “Alright then…” Redirecting his gaze down to the floor, Kageyama stepped aside and pulled the door back to open it fully.

                “Pardon the intrusion!” A chill ran down Kageyama’s spine as Hinata hopped through the doorway. While he watched the intruder kick off his shoes and step up into the apartment, he got the distinct feeling that he was located somewhere above and to the left of his body. He watched his own hand close the door from a distance.

                The sound of rustling plastic bags filled the otherwise silent apartment. Hinata had already cleared off a spot on the counter and started unpacking.

                “I sort of assumed you’d have knives and pans and whatnot, but if you don’t I can- whoa, are you okay?”

                Suddenly, Hinata was right next to Kageyama, a concerned look on his still flushed face. Kageyama felt himself get farther away and smaller.

                “Here, give me those.”

                A weight was lifted and his shoulders felt lighter. He didn’t know why.

                “Do you need to lie down?”

                He flattened himself against the wall behind him. He couldn’t see anything but orange, and his heart was pounding in his ears.

                “Hang on, let’s get you over to your bed.”

                Everything was muffled. A warm line spread across his back. It irritated him.

                “Shit, don’t-… It’s okay. Breathe. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

                The room went black.

\---

                Kageyama sat at his desk, trying to focus on studying over the din of whispers surrounding him. He didn’t need to be able to hear them to know what they were muttering about. Somewhere nearby, a chair scraped against the floor with a rumbling screech, followed by the sound of approaching footsteps.

                “Hey, Kageyama.”

                He kept his head down, gripping his pencil tighter and doing his best to ignore the presence looming over him.

                “I said hey!”

                Something smacked against the back of his head. He winced in pain, but stubbornly refused to react any further.

                “Look at me when I’m talking to you, you piece of shit!”

                A hand roughly grabbed his shoulder and jerked him back. He felt a scorching heat form in his stomach and start spreading up through his throat. Grinding his teeth, he centered his attention on the floor. There were no more whispers.

                “You think ignoring me’s gonna do you any good?”

                He was suddenly being dragged out of his chair by his arm. The heat inside him filled his mouth and his eyes and burned with explosive intensity. He violently shook himself free and whipped around to face his attacker.

                “DON’T TOUCH ME!”

                Hinata hastily pulled his hand off Kageyama’s arm and took a step back. “Sorry!”

                Kageyama’s eyes darted around in a panic as he desperately tried to get ahold of his surroundings. Something was off.

                “What happened?” His voice crackled as it escaped into the air.

                “You were out for a few hours. It sounded like you were having a nightmare, so I tried to wake you up, but I guess that was a bad move…” Hinata bit his lip and glanced sideways. A pang flittered through Kageyama’s chest.

                “No, that’s… I mean…” He struggled to find the right words. _Sorry? Thank you? Why do you even care?_

                “I’ll go if you want. This has been kind of a disaster.” Kageyama followed the slow flutter of Hinata’s eyelashes as he cast his gaze onto the floor. Another pang.

                “No!” The two of them simultaneously jumped at Kageyama’s sudden exclamation. They locked eyes, neither of them knowing what to say.

                It was Kageyama who looked away first. “Sorry.”

                “For what?” Hinata plopped down on the floor, looking up at Kageyama expectantly. His hair stuck lightly to his face in some places, damp with sweat.

                “I didn’t know that would happen.”

                “Don’t mind that! It’s not like you did anything wrong.” Kageyama felt a wave of relief flush over him as Hinata smiled up at him brightly. He hadn’t ruined anything. “Hey, hey.” Hinata scooted closer to Kageyama excitedly. “Notice anything?” He looked quite pleased with himself, bobbing his head from side to side with a huge grin on his face.

                The only thing Kageyama noticed was the heat of Hinata’s hand just barely touching his leg. He didn’t move away. “What should I be noticing?”

                Hinata’s expression changed to a pout. “Really? After all the hard work I put into it?”

                Not sure where to start looking, Kageyama glanced over the boy next to him. He hadn’t changed his hair – it was still the same mess of orange as before. Nothing he was wearing particularly stood out either, just jeans and a t-shirt.

                “Can you give me a hint?”

                Casually and smoothly, Hinata rested an arm on the table next to him and looked at Kageyama with an odd expression that he couldn’t quite place. “I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to tear your eyes off me for a few seconds to see it.”

                Kageyama immediately tensed and averted his gaze. He wound up looking at a spot on the floor. Slowly, his eyes widened and started darting around the room. His breath caught in his throat, and he found himself unsure of what to think.

                He could see the floor. The _whole_ floor. A near-overwhelming amount of nothing occupied the space where trash had been piled against the walls before.

                Shoulders shaking ever so slightly, he turned his attention back to Hinata. “Why?”

                “I started cleaning the kitchen and got kind of carried away.” Leaning back and resting his weight on his hands behind him, Hinata flashed a sheepish grin at Kageyama. “It was exhausting and I’m never doing it again, so you’d better take care of it yourself from now on.”

                Kageyama felt the burn of shame under his skin all over his body as he buried his face in his hands.

                _I should have cleaned it myself. I shouldn’t have let him in like this. I’m disgusting. I’m pathetic. I don’t want him to see me like this._

                “Hey, you doing okay?”

                He peeked out from between his fingers to see Hinata staring at him, looking concerned. Unable to form the words he wanted, he nodded once.

                “Okay. You hungry?”

                He nodded again.

                “Okay! Time to get cooking!” Hinata leapt to his feet and ran into the kitchen. Resisting the urge to follow, Kageyama let his head fall onto the table. His thoughts wandered away from him as he listened to the intermittent sounds of rustling bags and running water.

                _I should probably help._

                His body felt like lead as pushed himself up and headed towards the kitchen. He didn’t enter immediately, choosing instead to watch Hinata as he prepared a work space. It looked like he had already laid out everything that he needed, and he was now struggling trying to tie his apron on, slender fingers fumbling with the strip of cloth wrapped around his small waist. He let out a triumphant huff as he finally pulled it into a messy knot. Kageyama fought the urge to walk over and fix it for him. _Don’t be weird._

                Knife in hand, Hinata grabbed an onion and placed it on the cutting board in front of him. He started cutting, not exactly expertly, but well enough that it was clear he at least partially knew what he was doing.

                “Do you want me to do anything?”

                Hinata squeaked and jumped, startled by Kageyama’s voice. He let out a heavy breath and smiled. “Nah, I think I’ve got it under control.”

                “You’re bleeding.”

                “FUCK.”

                Dark red dripped from Hinata’s hand across the cutting board and onto the countertop. Panic spread across his face as he scrambled to rinse off in the sink, blood already making decent headway down his arm.

                Kageyama snapped his mind into focus and rushed to the bathroom, throwing open the medicine cabinet and spilling its contents in the process. He hastily grabbed some gauze pads and a roll of bandage tape and ran back over to where Hinata was holding his hand over the sink and pressing on it with a dishtowel.

                “How does it look?” Kageyama inquired, pulling up on the towel. Hinata winced as the wound was exposed to the air. It was a long, deep gash along his thumb, but it looked like the bleeding had already slowed.

                “Keep pressing.” Hands shaking, Kageyama tore open the packaging on one of the gauze pads. He delicately reached for Hinata’s hand and pulled it towards him, removing the towel once again and positioning the gauze in its place.

                “Hold.” Hinata remained silent and did as he was told as Kageyama started wrapping the bandage firmly around his hand. He donned a curious expression as we watched Kageyama tie the ends of the bandage as he finished.

                “That should be okay for now.”

                Hinata closed his hand into a fist and opened it, then shifted his gaze upwards. As their eyes met, Kageyama’s breath caught in his throat.

                “Thank you.”

                Kageyama stood frozen as he realized he was still holding Hinata’s hand in his. Quickly letting go, he felt his pulse quicken and blood rush to his head.

                _Shit, not again._ “I’m gonna go lie down.” Hinata didn’t respond. He just stood, silent and motionless, as Kageyama stumbled out.

                Eyes screwed shut, Kageyama lowered himself onto the bed. His head was clear and senses functional, but his heart refused to slow down. He breathed slowly and deliberately, willing the pounding to subside. Gradually, steadily, his pulse returned to normal. He relaxed and sank into the mattress as he listened to the distant noises from the kitchen.

                As time passed, he became aware of a melodious hum filling the room, starting quiet, but progressively growing louder. It was occasionally interrupted by a quick breath or a soft laugh, but the tune carried nicely, if a bit roughly. The clear aural evidence of another being in his space was certainly unnerving, but at the same time, he found it oddly comforting. He nearly fell asleep listening to the sound of Hinata’s voice.

                Eventually, the humming stopped and was replaced by the clinking of dishes and careful footsteps. Hinata emerged from the kitchen with several plates and bowls on a tray, doing his best not to let anything spill or fall over.

                “Sorry it took so long,” Hinata said with an apologetic smile.

                “Jeez, how much food did you make?” Kageyama pushed himself up and moved to clear off the table before remembering it had already been taken care of. He suddenly became unsure of what to do with his hands.

                “Enough.” Hinata glanced at Kageyama playfully before placing the tray on the table and setting the dishes out.

                Kageyama watched as Hinata’s hands – particularly the bandaged one – arranged the meal, and an unfamiliar feeling swept over him. “Is your hand okay?”

                “Aw, were you worried? How sweet!” Averting his eyes, Kageyama avoided the look Hinata was giving him. “It’s perfectly fine, someone bandaged it up really well. See?” Hinata waved his arm around for emphasis. When he failed to elicit a response, he pouted and set out the last of the remaining dishes.

                Kageyama took in the sight of the meal set out in front of him as he lowered himself to sit on the floor. There was oyakodon, miso soup, simmered vegetables, salad, and a few other side dishes. He nervously wondered how much his stomach would be able to handle.

                “You really shouldn’t have made so much.”

                “But I have to show off how amazing I am.” Hinata had a very serious expression on his face as he unceremoniously plonked down on the floor opposite Kageyama. “You’d better be impressed.”

                “It looks alright.”

                Hinata gave an indignant huff. “Let’s see you say that after you try some!” He forcefully picked up his chopsticks, glaring across the table as if issuing a challenge.

                Although he was sure that Hinata was trying to be intimidating, Kageyama was getting a very different impression of the sight. He observed the angled curve of Hinata’s furrowed brows, the determined glint in his eyes, the way his facial structure changed as he clenched his jaw.

                _Cute._

                “What are you smiling about?”

                Kageyama resumed a neutral expression and hastily grabbed his chopsticks in one hand and his portion of oyakodon in the other. Raising the bowl to his mouth, he took a tentative bite. He could feel Hinata’s eyes burning into him expectantly.

                “Too sweet.”

                “ _Excuse me?_ ”

                “And it’s overcooked.”

                Hinata looked like he was about to burst. “Well sorry for not being a professional chef!”

                Fighting to keep a straight face, Kageyama put his bowl down to pick up the soup next to it. He lifted it to his lips and took a deliberate, drawn-out sip, keeping an eye on Hinata the whole time.

                “Too much miso.”

                “Let’s see you do any better, you ungrateful hermit!” For a moment, Kageyama thought that Hinata might flip the table on its side. He felt the corners of his mouth twitch as he watched the boy opposite him get comically worked up.

                “It’s good.” Hinata froze at Kageyama’s words and narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously. “Everything tastes fine.”

                Unsure of how to react, Hinata wordlessly opened and closed his mouth a few times. Kageyama finally gave in to the small smirk that had been fighting its way onto his lips.

                “You’re kind of fun to mess with.”

                “You’re kind of an asshole.” Face flushed – from irritation, Kageyama presumed – Hinata lifted a bowl to his face and started shoveling its contents into his mouth at lightning speed.

                The meal continued in relative silence, slowly sending Kageyama into a contemplative state. In stark contrast to how he had reacted when Hinata showed up, he now felt incredibly at ease, like sitting and eating together was the most natural thing in the world. He tried to remember the last time he had felt so comfortable with someone. A distant memory of his high school days started to emerge, but he quickly pushed it aside, shaking his head to clear his mind.

                “What’re you thinking about?” Hinata had already annihilated all the food in front of him and was now looking at Kageyama interestedly.

                “Nothing.”

                “Hmmm…” A dissatisfied expression made its way onto Hinata’s face. “You look sort of sad.”

                “That’s just my face.”

                “No, that’s not it.” Hinata placed his head on his chin, eyebrows knotted in concerned concentration.

                “…Then what is it?”

                After thinking for another moment, Hinata gave a resigned shrug. “Dunno. I like what you did with your hair.”

                “What?” Kageyama felt a warm heat spread over him.

                “It’s different from before. It looks nice.”

                _All I did was wash it,_ he thought, unconsciously bringing a hand up to his neck and twirling the ends of his hair around his finger.

                “You done eating?”

                Kageyama looked down to see that he had barely eaten a third of what was given to him. “Yeah.”

                Hinata nodded and stood up, then started piling his empty dishes back on to the tray he used to bring them out. “Help me clean.” Wordlessly, Kageyama imitated Hinata’s stacking and clearing and followed him into the kitchen. “Wrap yours up for later, I’ll start washing everything else.”

                “Got it.”

                Kageyama did as he was told, glancing back at Hinata every once in a while. He found himself taking careful note of the way Hinata’s shoulders moved as he scrubbed, and how his curled orange hair laid on the back of his neck.

                “Hey, Kageyama.”

                “Hm?” Hurriedly looking away, Kageyama tried his best to respond naturally.

                “Can I ask you something?” Hinata didn’t turn to face Kageyama as he spoke.

                “I guess.” After putting all his dishes in the fridge, Kageyama grabbed a dry towel and walked over to stand next to Hinata.

                “What were you dreaming about?”

                Kageyama tensed, knuckles abruptly turning white around the towel clenched in his fist. “Why?”

                “You were really upset.”

                “So?” He really didn’t want to think about that, not when he was finally starting to feel alright.

                “So talk to me.”

                “Why?”

                “I want to help.” Wringing out the sponge he was using and placing it next to the faucet, Hinata started rinsing the cleaned dishes sitting in the sink.

                A long moment passed without any words being exchanged. Extraordinarily heavy silence pressed down on the two of them.

                “Why are you here?”

                “Because you need help.”

                “Stop avoiding the question.” Bitterness poured from Kageyama’s mouth and thickened the air between them.

                Hinata sighed and handed a plate to Kageyama to dry, still pointedly not looking at him. “There are some things you can’t just say, you know?”

                “So you expect me to spill out everything about myself when you won’t even tell me who you are?” He snatched the plate away and started wiping it off aggressively.

                “That’s different.”

                “Why, are you working for the yakuza?”

                Hinata finally snapped his head sideways to look at Kageyama, disbelief and irritation etched into his face. “What the hell would the yakuza send me here for?”

                “I don’t know, you tell me!” Kageyama threw his arms into the air, exasperated.

                “It’s not like that! It’s nothing bad, it’s just…” Hinata turned away again, avoiding Kageyama’s gaze. “You wouldn’t believe me.”

                “Why not? Are you gonna tell me you’re my guardian angel or something?”

                Hinata froze, leaving the water running as he stood in complete stillness. Slowly, he turned back toward Kageyama, giving him a look somewhere between a nervous smile and a grimace.

                “…You can’t be serious.”

                “…I am.”

                Kageyama’s stomach felt like ice as he stared at Hinata. He was looking back at Kageyama apprehensively. Not even breathing, he looked like he was bracing himself.

                Racking his brain, Kageyama desperately tried to find a reason for Hinata to lie to him like this. Was he some kind of con artist? Kageyama didn’t think he had anything valuable enough to make him a target for that sort of scam, but that didn’t mean that Hinata knew that. Or maybe he was just some weirdo who got his kicks from emotionally manipulating people. He’d find some hopeless case, lure them in and make them feel like they could actually be worth something, then leave them behind once he’d been sufficiently entertained.

                “Get out of my apartment.” Kageyama spoke softly but firmly, swallowing down the taste of bile rising in his throat.

                Hinata floundered, waving his arms in front of him. “Wait, maybe ‘angel’ isn’t quite the right word. It’s more like-“

                “I don’t want to hear it. Get out.” Keeping his tone flat and expression neutral, Kageyama fought against the boiling he felt beneath his skin.

                “Please listen, I-“

                “Get OUT.” Kageyama roughly grabbed Hinata by the shoulder and pushed him out of the kitchen, nearly sending him tumbling to the floor. “I don’t know who you are or what you’re after, but you’re not getting it from me.”

                “I swear I’m telling the truth, I just want to help!” Hinata pleaded.

                “How stupid do you think I am?” Letting out a humorless laugh, Kageyama felt the room around him start to fade and darken. He stepped forward to loom over Hinata, casting a shadow over him. “Though I guess I am pretty dumb. You actually had me going for it today, you know that? _God,_ I can’t believe I let this happen.”

                “Look.” As if in defiance, Hinata straightened his posture and stood as tall as he could. Without breaking eye contact, he quickly grabbed the bandage on his injured hand and unwrapped it, shoving his bare hand in front of Kageyama’s face. “Look!”

                Kageyama strained his eyes to focus on the cut on Hinata’s thumb, though at this point it was little more than a faint, red line. He narrowed his eyes at Hinata suspiciously.

                “What about it?”

                “If I were a normal person, it wouldn’t have healed that quickly, right?” There was a glint in Hinata’s eyes, and Kageyama wasn’t sure if it was from determination or desperation.

                “I don’t care what kind of freak you are, I want you out.”

                “Would you please just-“

                “I said out!” Shaking with rage, Kageyama lunged at Hinata, only to have the smaller boy grab his wrists and push him back.

                “Alright, I’ll go!” Hinata shook Kageyama off and turned towards the door and stepped down to put on his shoes. “But I’ll be back. I’m not giving up.” He had a strange, sad look on his face as he pulled the door open and stepped outside. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

                The door slammed shut.

                “I already have,” Kageyama muttered into his now empty apartment. Paying no attention to the faucet still running in the background, he brought a hand up to cover his eyes, fighting back tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations spottyflake. You get a cookie, or whatever hip new imaginary reward all the kids are handing out on the internet these days.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do I enjoy writing about boys crying so much

                Kageyama glared at his computer screen in frustration, tapping his fingertips on the tabletop. No matter how he phrased it in his search, he couldn’t find any information on accelerated healing. There was plenty written about the superhuman “healing factor” shown in comics and other fantastical stories, but nothing about it happening in the real world outside of speculation on how it might hypothetically work. Well, there were a few homeopathic remedy bloggers who claimed this or that herb would speed up the healing process, but he paid them little mind.

                After an entire afternoon of searching, he was completely stumped. There was no possible explanation for how a gash like Hinata’s could have healed over the course of a few hours.

                Maybe it was some sort of trick? But Kageyama had seen the open wound and watched it bleed, and he was certain he would have noticed if the healing had been faked.

                He leaned back against the side of his bed, expelling a heavy sigh. His search on angels hadn’t been any more productive, and he needed to figure out where to look from here.

                _What if he was telling the truth?_

                Kageyama quickly chased the thought out of his head, not for the first time. It was ridiculous and not worth dwelling on.

                Rubbing his eyes and groaning, he pushed himself off the floor and made his way into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out the last remaining dish of leftovers from the meal that Hinata had made for him. Not bothering to heat it up, he grabbed a pair of chopsticks and started eating. The texture had started to go south after sitting in the fridge for a few days, and eating it made him feel ill for a variety of reasons, but he didn’t want to let it go to waste.

                After finishing, he placed his empty bowl next to the sink, where the pile of half-washed dishes still sat from the other day. He told himself he would clean them up later, well aware of the fact that it was a lie.

                Listlessly, he walked back over to his bed and stretched himself out onto it, lying on his back and staring blankly at the ceiling. He idly wondered when Hinata would try to come back. Whenever it was, it would be too soon.

\---

                Two days later, Kageyama didn’t have to wonder anymore. He was mostly zoned out watching a movie on TV, when he heard a soft, polite knock on the door.

                Ignoring it, he kept his attention focused on the screen.

                A minute went by with no other interruptions. He released a long breath, figuring he was safe for now.

                Unfortunately, a familiar, muffled voice from outside proved him wrong. “I know you’re ignoring me.”

                _Dammit._

                He continued pretending not to hear, suddenly enthralled by the action taking place onscreen.

                “Please talk to me.” Hinata’s voice was low and pleading, just loud enough to be heard, but no louder.

                Kageyama pointed the remote at the TV and turned the volume up.

                “Look, I know this whole thing seems ridiculous,” Hinata said, raising his voice to keep himself audible, “but you have to believe me.”

                _Wow, this movie has some really great effects. Amazing what we can do with technology these days._

                “Please.” His tone was shaking and becoming more desperate. “Kageyama, I’m scared.”

                Kageyama closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling a strong pull at his chest. He didn’t know what was up with this kid, but he found himself unable to ignore him any longer. He languidly turned off the TV and wandered over to the door. Looking through the peephole, he saw Hinata on the other side, eyes red.

                “That’s not going to work on me.” Kageyama’s voice faltered as he spoke, making him sound much less convincing than he had planned.

                A look of relief spread over Hinata’s face, but it was quickly replaced by nervous tension. “I’m not trying to trick you, I swear. Can we talk?”

                “We are talking.”

                “That’s not what I meant.”

                Kageyama could hear Hinata struggling to keep his voice even, making it increasingly difficult to resist opening the door for him. “Don’t you have anyone else to harass?”

                “No. Only you.” Hinata fixed his gaze on a spot on the ground. He really wasn’t making this easy for Kageyama.

                “Oh, how lucky for me.” Weaving as much spite into his words as he could muster, Kageyama hoped only the sarcastic part of the statement made it through.

                Flinching, Hinata kept staring at the ground. He looked like a kicked puppy as he bit his lower lip. “Kageyama…”

                That did it.

                Somewhere between reluctantly and eagerly, Kageyama swung the door open and faced the boy outside. Hinata’s shining eyes shot up to meet his, and he felt his breath catch. He really didn’t like seeing Hinata like this, though he struggled to admit it, and the fact that it was bothering him just made him even more pissed off at himself.

                “Can I come in?” Hinata asked as he shuffled his feet awkwardly.

                “Only because you look so pathetic.” Kageyama stepped out of the way to clear the entrance, but Hinata didn’t move. Tilting his head off to the side, Kageyama shot him a questioning look.

                “Tell me when you’re ready.”

                _…Oh._     

                Kageyama closed his eyes and took a deep breath, centering himself and feeling his feet firmly planted on the ground. He imagined Hinata walking through the door, entering his space. Aside from a lightly elevated heart rate, there was no reaction.

                He opened his eyes and nodded firmly for Hinata to come in. Hinata nodded back before stepping into the apartment and closing the door behind him, keeping a watchful eye on Kageyama the whole time.

                “You okay?”

                A weight seemed to descend onto Kageyama’s chest as he gave another nod in response. _If he’s scared of something, shouldn’t he be more concerned for himself?_

                Hinata sighed as he looked into the kitchen, seeing the mess he left not only intact but growing. “Have you been eating?” Kageyama looked away, avoiding Hinata’s eyes. “When’s the last time you ate?”

                Feeling guilt and shame flowing through his veins, Kageyama decided to answer truthfully. “Couple days ago.” He shrugged, trying to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. His chest tightened as he heard Hinata sigh again.

                “I’ll get some rice started.” Hinata’s tone wasn’t sharp or angry, just vaguely drained.

                Kageyama watched in silence as Hinata pulled out a bag of uncooked rice from one of the cabinets and measured a few cups into the rice cooker set out on the counter. Several minutes passed as Hinata rinsed and re-rinsed the rice, working around the dishes in the sink, until the water ran clear. He remained focused on the task at hand, not looking at Kageyama even once until the rice cooker was turned on and doing its job. Fiddling with the hem of his shirt, he cautiously waked over to stand in front of Kageyama.

                Resisting the inexplicable urge to pat his head – _I bet his hair is really soft –_ Kageyama tried to keep his demeanor calm and even. “Can I see your hand?”

                A flash of confusion crossed Hinata’s face as he looked up at Kageyama. It was quickly replaced by recognition, and he held out his hand for examination.

                Just by looking at it, there was absolutely no trace of the injury from the other day. Kageyama was sure that even if it could have healed that quickly, a scar likely would have taken its place.  Trembling slightly, he reached out to run his fingertips along where the gash once was, half expecting to uncover some kind of cosmetic trick to it. There was none. Just warm, unmarred skin.

                Hinata’s face reddened ever so lightly as he pulled his hand away. “Do you believe me?”

                Unsure of how to respond, Kageyama carefully avoided looking Hinata in the eye. “I can’t think of a better explanation.”

                “So you do?” The wavering brightness in Hinata’s voice filled Kageyama with a strange heat.

                “I guess,” he admitted, quickly tacking on a muttered “for now.”

                “Good.” Kageyama glanced up to see Hinata smiling softly at him, though he still didn’t seem fully back to his usual bouncy self. He motioned vaguely in the direction of the main room. “Let’s talk?”

                “Alright.”

                They walked over to the table together and sat on opposite sides, facing each other. Several awkward minutes went by without either saying a word.

                “So…” Hinata perked up as Kageyama broke the silence. “I guess you don’t have wings, then?”

                Letting out a soft, but genuine laugh, Hinata waved a hand just over his head. “No halo either, see?” He looked at Kageyama expectantly, waiting for some kind of reaction. When he got none, he pouted faintly before continuing. “Like I tried to tell you before, maybe ‘angel’ isn’t the best word here. It might be easier if you think of me as a really, really helpful, not-at-all-scary ghost.”

                Kageyama knotted his brow, trying to read Hinata’s expression. He got nothing. “So, what, you’re dead?”

                “Yup.”

                Startled at the blunt response, Kageyama raised his eyebrows and leaned back onto the bed. Hinata seemed to be willing to answer his questions without a fuss, so he decided to keep going.

                “For how long?”

                “Erm…” Hinata screwed up his face in concentration for a moment before answering. “About a month I think?”

                Kageyama paused. He knew all the standard things to say to someone who recently lost a loved one, but what on earth was he supposed to say to the recently deceased themselves? Deciding it would get him nowhere, he abandoned that line of thought to continue questioning.

                “That’s not long before you showed up here, right?”

                Hinata shrugged and nodded in response.

                “How did it happen?”

                Expression hardening, Hinata raised his eyes to focus on the point where the wall met the ceiling and took a deep breath in.

                _Crap, I went too far._ “Sorry, I guess that’s not-“

                “Hit by a train,” Hinata stated flatly, lowering his gaze and his attention back to Kageyama.

                “Yeesh.” Kageyama sucked in a quick breath through his teeth, imagining the full force of a speeding train hitting the small body in front of him. He didn’t like thinking about it.

                “Yeah, it wasn’t pretty.”

                “Sorry,” Kageyama apologized, but Hinata waved him off. “How did you wind up here then? Shouldn’t you have been reincarned or gone to the afterlife or something?”

                With a rueful smile, Hinata shrugged nonchalantly. “I guess they didn’t know what to do with me, so they sent me to you.”

                “And now you have to help me?”

                “Yeah, but that’s not the only reason I’m doing it. I want to.” Hinata leaned forward to rest his chin on his hand, staring lazily across the table at Kageyama.

                Feeling suddenly self-conscious, Kageyama let his eyes dart around the room, anywhere but straight across from him. “Why?”

                A light humming sound emerged from Hinata’s throat as he thought. “It’s complicated.” He tapped his fingertips on the table a few times before he spoke up again. “It’s like… you have the chance to do something with your life, and I want to make sure you take advantage of it.”

                Kageyama felt a sour taste fill his mouth, and his insides abruptly seemed empty. “So you just feel sorry for me?”

                Lifting his head off his hand, Hinata widened his eyes. “What? No! If anything, I envy you. You still have your whole life ahead of you, you know?” He rested his head back down as he spoke. “You’ve got a future, things to do, people to meet…” A sigh escaped from his lips as he stared off into the distance, looking more than a little regretful.

                “No one wants me out there,” Kageyama muttered as he glared down at his hands.

                “What makes you say that?”

                Motionless, Kageyama didn’t respond. He decided to ignore the question entirely, turning the focus back to Hinata instead. “You’re still here though, why not go out and do whatever you want?”

                “I can’t.”

                “What do you mean you can’t?”

                “I mean I can’t!” Hinata started waving his arms around. “When I leave here it’s like _vvwwwwhoosh_ and there’s nothing, and then _fwaaah!_ and I’m back.”

                “So you stop existing when you’re not helping me?” Kageyama narrowed his eyes in disbelief.

                “I guess so?”

                “…This is ridiculous.”

                “I know,” Hinata whined, slouching over to rest his chin directly on the table. “But that’s how it is.”

                Kageyama crossed his arms in front of him and sat in silence for a several minutes, taking everything in. Of course it was all hard to believe, but he didn’t see any other option at the moment aside from just taking it at face value.

                All the while, Hinata was staring him wide-eyed, waiting for him to speak, but not impatiently.

                After watching Hinata slowly blink a few times, Kageyama cleared his throat and prepared to ask his final questions.

                “What happens after you…” He waved a hand in front of him in an unsure motion. “ _Fix_ me or whatever?”

                Hinata tilted his head on the table and frowned. “I don’t know.”

                “What if you can’t?”

                Casting his gaze down, he brought his arms up onto the table and buried his face in them. His voice came out muffled and strained. “I don’t know.”

                Kageyama hesitated for a moment, uncertain as to what he should do. He felt his heart sinking into his stomach, and an unfamiliar ache spread through his arms. Without thinking, he leaned forward, extending a hand out across the table.

                He froze when Hinata suddenly sobbed, face still hidden away. “I don’t know,” he repeated hopelessly.

                _Shit._

                Kageyama’s heart started racing in a panic. What were people supposed to do in situations like this? All he knew was that he desperately wanted Hinata to stop crying, but he had no idea how to make that happen. He glanced at his own hand, still outstretched in front of him.

                _Should I? Would that be weird?_

                He looked to Hinata, slumped over and breathing sporadically, shoulders shaking. He couldn’t leave him like this. It was painful.

                Gritting his teeth, he gently placed his hand on Hinata’s arm in what he hoped was a comforting manner. He couldn’t help but notice how soft and warm the boy’s skin was against his, how real it was.

                Hinata didn’t react immediately to the hand on his arm, but within a few minutes he had stopped trembling and his breathing returned to normal. After taking a deep breath, he clumsily wiped his eyes against his shoulder and pulled his head up. He offered Kageyama a weak, but undeniably warm smile.

                “Thanks.”

                “For what?” Kageyama blurted out, taken aback.

                Hinata pointedly looked down at Kageyama’s hand, then back up to meet his eyes. Kageyama felt heat rising to his face as he hastily jerked his hand back and onto his lap, earning him a soft laugh from Hinata.

                “No need to be embarrassed. It was nice.”

                Contrary to feeling encouraged, Kageyama felt even more like sinking into the floor. He crossed his arms over his chest and curled his legs up, trying to make himself as small as possible, scarcely conscious of his own nails running hard over his arm through his sleeve.

                He barely reacted when Hinata stood up.

                “I’m gonna check on the rice.” As he spoke, Hinata reached upwards to stretch and let out a nearly inaudible groan, eyes screwed shut. Kageyama’s gaze lingered just under the hem of Hinata’s shirt, which had ridden up just enough to show a centimeter or two of the skin on his hips.

                Suddenly hit by the full realization of what was happening, Kageyama tore his eyes away and dug his nails into his arm. A burning coldness grew in the pit of his stomach, threatening to burst out at any moment. This wasn’t good.

                When had he started seeing Hinata in that way?

                Hinata let out a heavy, relieved breath and then hopped towards the kitchen. Carefully avoiding watching him, Kageyama strengthened his grip on his arm. _Don’t look at him, don’t think about him, don’t think about looking at him like that ever again, it’s disgusting, it’s vile, you’re disgusting and everyone knows it_.

                Kageyama couldn’t stop the thoughts swirling around in his head, and he couldn’t stop scratching, harder and harder, well past the point of rubbing his skin raw. It burned and stung and burned but he couldn’t stop.

                Not until Hinata poked his head out from the kitchen.

                “Rice is almost done. What do you like in your rice balls?”

                The sound of Hinata’s voice forced Kageyama to attention, and he let go of his arm, feeling a pain shoot up his shoulder as he released his grip. He shrugged, trying to act casual. “Anything’s fine.”

                “Either decide or come help me make them,” Hinata demanded, making a face at Kageyama before retreating back into the kitchen.

                Reluctantly, Kageyama rose to his feet to follow after Hinata, who he found pouring salt into a bowl of water. It suddenly occurred to him how little he felt like eating. Not noticing Kageyama’s mood, Hinata shot him a smile. “Made up your mind?”

                “Just plain is fine.” _It’s not like I’ll eat much anyway_.

                “You sure?” Looking away, Kageyama nodded silently. “Alright, that makes it easy for me.”

                As if on cue, the rice cooker beeped, letting them know that its job was done. Hinata started humming as he opened it, releasing a billowing cloud of steam into the air. Kageyama took a few tentative steps towards him. He should try to make conversation, right? That’s what a normal person would do, right? He gulped before forcing himself to speak.

                “I’m surprised you’re not making something spectacular like last time.” Kageyama mentally slapped himself. There was no way that was a normal person thing to say.

                Hinata wheeled around to face him, and Kageyama could swear he had stars in his eyes.

                “Spectacular? You thought it was spectacular?” Suddenly, Hinata was right on top of Kageyama, looking up at him excitedly. Kageyama flushed and took a step back, putting a safe distance between them. He felt his arm burning and resisted the urge to start scratching it again.

                “I mean, compared to what I usually have…”

                “Hah, well it was all pretty simple stuff, so of course it was a cinch for me.” Hands on his hips, Hinata was clearly trying to act cool despite being worked up. “I just thought I’d go back to the basics for this round.”

                His sudden burst of enthusiasm carried him through the process of making the first rice ball as Kageyama watched silently in the background. As soon as he had it shaped and wrapped in nori, he handed it off to Kageyama. His eyes sparkled as he looked up at the taller boy expectantly.

                “Well?”

                Kageyama stared at the amorphous blob in his hand. “It looks like shit.”

                “Hey! What happened to ‘spectacular’?” Hinata snapped, scowling fiercely.

                “How should I know? You’re the one who lost it!”

                “Sh-shut up! I was just nervous, okay?” He certainly hadn’t looked nervous. “Just eat it already and tell me how it is.”

                Acquiescing, Kageyama took a bite from what he supposed was meant to be the top corner. “It tastes like rice.”

                “No shit. You’re the one who wanted it plain.”

                “It’s perfect. Thanks.” Kageyama rubbed the back of his neck as he muttered out his gratitude. It really was much better than getting one pre-made.

                Hinata quickly turned away and went back to work, mumbling something under his breath. The only word Kageyama could make out was “stupid.” Choosing to ignore it, he took another bite out of his rice ball and watched Hinata as he made more, still fuming. His eyes flitted over Hinata from top to bottom, and he felt a wave of shame wash over him. He couldn’t let himself enjoy his company too much.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know, every time I post a chapter, I think, this is it. This is when everyone reading will realize this is a dumb story and I'm the Worst Writer Ever and then they will stop reading and I will just be posting into the void from here on out. It seriously blows my mind that people are actually reading this and enjoying it.  
> I think what I'm trying to say here is that I love you all ;u; Commenters and lurkers alike, thank you for reading.  
> Also I am very sleepy and shouldn't be allowed to talk past my bedtime.

                Over the next few weeks, Hinata’s visits became a daily occurrence. Kageyama had gone from dreading his appearance to look forward to it, though the nervous twisting of his stomach never quite subsided.

                Today, he was sitting leaned against the wall in the entranceway of his apartment, picking at his fingernails. He had them trimmed uncomfortably short, even to the point where he had cut into his skin in a few places, but it was better than the alternative. With Hinata around almost constantly, there were all too many opportunities for Kageyama to let his eyes and his mind wander to places they had no business being. He never intended to start scratching, and he had no idea how to stop it. Luckily, Hinata hadn’t noticed.

                As he idly examined his hand, Kageyama noted to himself that the coloring of skin seemed a bit more natural, most likely thanks to the fact that he was actually eating regularly. He was still incredibly pale, but at least he didn’t look like he had just risen from the grave. Though if Hinata was anything to go by, that might not be the best analogy.

                Kageyama paused after that thought. For the most part, he had avoided thinking about Hinata’s circumstances. He was always so lively and energetic that it was easy to forget what he was. Pulling at a hangnail, Kageyama wondered how he would react if he were in a similar situation.

                _I’d probably just hole myself up somewhere until I disappeared._

                So, not so different from what he was doing now.

                Lost in his own thoughts, he almost didn’t hear Hinata approach the door from outside. The sudden loud knock took him by surprise, and he jumped up, heart racing half from being startled and half from anticipation.

                As soon as he opened the door and saw Hinata’s ever-smiling face, everything was bright.

                Hinata gave Kageyama a sly look. “Were you waiting for me?”

                “No,” Kageyama lied flatly.

                “Aw, and here I was thinking we had something special.”

                Kageyama’s hand instinctually started drifting over to his other arm, but he forced it down. Without answering, he stepped out of the way to let Hinata inside.

                But Hinata didn’t budge. He just stood outside the doorway, shaking his head.

                “Not yet.”

                Raising an eyebrow, Kageyama shot him a questioning look.

                “I want you to do something for me first.”

                “What is it?” He had no idea what Hinata could possibly want him to do, but he was willing to listen. As long as it was for Hinata…

                He watched in confusion as Hinata turned around and took a few steps away from him to lean against the guardrail across the walkway. “Come here.”

                Kageyama gaped in disbelief. “What?” _Go outside??!_

                “Come here,” Hinata repeated.

                “…That’s not very funny.”

                “It’s not a joke.” Kageyama fiddled with the ends of his sleeves as Hinata stared him down. “Come on, I’m just a few feet away.”

                “You know I can’t,” Kageyama spat out with a bit more venom than he intended.

                “No, I know you can.” Hinata looked at him, eyes shimmering and sincere.

                Tugging on a loose thread from his sleeve, Kageyama fixed his eyes on the ground outside. It looked so cold and uninviting. “It’s not as easy as you think.”

                “I don’t think it’s easy. But I believe in you.”

                “…That makes one of us.”

                “Good thing I’m believing at two hundred percent, then.” Kageyama could hear the smile in Hinata’s voice even without looking at him. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

                “You can help me by coming inside.”

                “Nope. Close your eyes.”

                “Why?”

                “Just do it.”

                Scowling up at Hinata, Kageyama did as he was told. He wasn’t sure what this was supposed to accomplish, but he went with it anyway.

                “Alright, now take a deep breath.” Inhale… exhale. “How are you feeling?”

                “How do you think?” Kageyama snapped in response.

                “…Yeah, you’re fine. Okay, I’m gonna count down from three, and then I want you to take a step forward.”

                “No.”

                “Three!”

                “I’m not doing it.”

                “Two!”

                “Not happening.”

                “One!”

                “I swear to god.”

                “Go!”

 

 

 

                Nothing happened.

                “Come on, Kageyama!”

                Kageyama opened his eyes and glared across the walkway. “I said I’m not doing it. This is stupid.”

                “Nope, close your eyes, we’re trying again.”

                He rolled his eyes before closing them again.

                “Ready?”

                “No.”

                “Three!”

                “I said no.”

                “Two!”

                Kageyama sighed, aggravated.

                “One.”

                He jumped at Hinata’s voice, which suddenly seemed much closer than before.

                “Go.”

                Without warning, a pair of hands grabbed onto his and pulled him forward, and there was an immediate shift in the air. A bitter breeze swept through his hair and bit at his face, stopping up his lungs. His bare feet hit cold concrete, feeling every bump and bit of grit on the ground.

                He didn’t like it.

                “You doing okay?”

                “…Fine,” he managed to spit out through his teeth.

                “Ready to take another step?”

                “Not really.”

                “Well, you’re going to anyway.”

                He was gently tugged by his hands again, forcing him to take another step forward. Feeling his body start to shake, he tried to block out all the cold and unpleasantness and focus on the warmth in his hands.

                “One more.”

                His mind went blank.

                Another pull.

                Another step.

                Warm hands.

                “Open your eyes.”

                Kageyama squinted his eyes open, not wanting to see too much at once. There were no walls around him. Nothing to keep him in, nothing to block everything out, just open air. He could feel the sky closing in on him, weighing him down.

                “How do you feel?” He looked down to focus on Hinata, who was positively beaming up at him. His surroundings faded to black as he felt the heat between them, noticing how _close_ they were to each other. The raw patch on his arm burned and ached and his head was spinning out of control.

                “Dizzy.”

                “Okay, back inside we go.” Hinata hurriedly unlinked their hands and grabbed Kageyama by the shoulders to turn him around and gently push him back towards the door.

                Kageyama stumbled forward, nearly falling through the doorway. The stuffy apartment air wrapped around him like a warm blanket and his world immediately came back into focus. He was safe. Shaken, but safe. Trying to stabilize his breathing, he put a hand to his chest and felt his heart pounding under his palm.

                The door clicked shut as Hinata closed it behind him. He slowly approached Kageyama from behind, gently placing a hand on his back. “Are you alright?”

                Trying to ignore the burning heat spreading from the point of contact on his back, Kageyama nodded. “Yeah…. C-can you not stand so close, though?”

                “Oh, sorry.” The stifling warmness disappeared as Hinata took a step away. It wasn’t that Kageyama didn’t want him nearby, but his presence provoked certain involuntary reactions that only served to worsen Kageyama’s condition.

                “I need to sit.”

                “Okay,” Hinata replied, reaching his hand out towards Kageyama once again. He caught himself mid-motion, and hurriedly redirected the movement in the direction of the kitchen. “I’ll grab us some water.”

                Kageyama nodded silently and nearly tripped over his own feet as he made his way to his usual spot on the floor by his bed. He fell heavily to the floor with a loud thud as his legs gave out from under him. Wincing, he readjusted his position so he was sitting more naturally against the bed.

                Hinata cheerily emerged from the kitchen with a glass of water in each hand, which he placed on either side of the table. Kageyama shifted uneasily in place when, instead of taking his usual spot across the table, Hinata plopped down next to him instead, leaving a scant foot of space between them. He tried not to look as anxious as he felt.

                “So?” Hinata wrapped his arms around his knees and turned towards Kageyama expectantly.

                Kageyama gave him a sideways glance. “So what?”

                “Was it as bad as you thought it would be?”

                Unconsciously reaching up to play with the ends of his hair, Kageyama considered the question for a moment. He had managed to remain more or less lucid the entire time he was outside, and he was already feeling relatively calm. “I guess not.”

                “See? I knew you could handle it!” The smile on Hinata’s face was so triumphant it was almost like he was the one who had accomplished something.

                “If you say so….” Kageyama fidgeted with the hem of his sleeves, avoiding looking next to him.

                “Come on, be proud of yourself, it’s a big deal!” Motioning his arms exaggeratedly in the air, Hinata looked like he could explode into pure energy at any moment. “I mean, how long has it been since you’ve stepped outside?”

                Kageyama pulled his sleeves over his hands.

                _It’s okay if I tell him a bit, right?_

                He took a deep breath, keeping his eyes focused squarely on his covered hands. “Since before I dropped out of school.”

                Hinata immediately reigned himself in and turned to fully face Kageyama, giving him a serious, but nonjudgmental look. “When was that?”

                “Second year of high school.” Kageyama could barely hear the words coming out of his own mouth.

                “High school? That’s… hang on, you’re about the same age as me, so that’s…” Face scrunched up in concentration, Hinata started counting on his fingers. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he counted and recounted several times. “You’ve been in here for _six years?_ ”

                “Something like that.” To be honest, Kageyama hadn’t really given a lot of thought to how much time had passed since then. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway.

                “Kageyama…” Hinata was looking at him with an expression not quite like any he had seen before. “What the hell happened?”

                “Nothing,” he lied. He had already said more than he ever wanted to. “I just stopped going to school one day.”

                “Don’t give me that.” Hinata’s tone was firm, but not unkind. “I’m not stupid. Talk to me.”

                “I’d really rather not.”

                “What do you think is going to happen if you tell me?” Kageyama leaned away as Hinata moved closer, giving him an irritatingly genuine, concerned look.

                He refused to answer, focusing instead on the feeling of the fabric of his shirt on his fingertips.

                Hinata sighed. “Kageyama, I don’t know what happened or what you’ve been through. But I promise you that there is nothing you can say that will make me think any less of you.”

                “Why, is your opinion of me already as low as it can possibly go?”

                “I know you know what I mean,” Hinata stated flatly, rolling his eyes.

                “…It’s hard to talk about.”

                “And? Going outside is hard too, right? But you managed to do that, didn’t you?”

                Kageyama glanced over at Hinata warily. He had a point, not that Kageyama was willing to admit it. “It’s stupid, and there’s no point telling you about it.”

                “It’s obviously not stupid if it’s kept you locked in this room for _six goddamn years._ ” Still playing with his sleeves, Kageyama pointedly glanced away. “Kageyama, look at me.” He reluctantly turned to face Hinata, trying not to get sucked in by his softly shining brown eyes. “I won’t judge you. I won’t laugh at you. I won’t hate you. I promise.”

                It was useless to struggle. He took a deep breath before diving in.

                “There was… someone. A classmate.” Kageyama peeked over nervously to see Hinata settling down beside him, attentive and ready to listen. “We were in the same class since first year. I wasn’t sure I’d be able make any friends at first, but we really hit it off right away. We were always together and we were really close. H-… they were just so… funny, and thoughtful, and caring, and perfect…”

                He glanced over again. Hinata was smiling softly at him.

                “Sounds like a real catch.”

                “I… I thought so, too.” He rubbed the back of his neck absentmindedly. “And I really thought I had a chance. I saw the way they lit up when they saw me, and that smile that never seemed to show around anyone else, and the feeling you get from the tiniest casual touches, and the air when we just sat together without saying anything, and the shine in their eyes when they looked at me, and…” _I’m not making any fucking sense_.

                He buried his face in his hands, bright red from embarrassment. Putting it into words made him feel like an awkward schoolboy all over again.

                After a few moments, Hinata gave him an encouraging nudge with his elbow.

                Struggling to collect himself, Kageyama lowered his hands and continued.

                “It took a while, but I finally worked up the nerve to confess, but…” He bit his lip as his voice trailed off.

                “He didn’t like you back?”

                Kageyama’s eyes shot wide open and locked onto Hinata, and he could feel the blood draining from his face. Instinctively, he pushed himself away and raised his arms to cover his head, holding his breath and bracing himself for what would inevitably come next.

                When the impact never came, he slowly lowered his hands and looked over at Hinata, who was watching him back with a mixture of concern and alarm painted on his face.

                “Kageyama, it’s okay. I’m not going to do anything to you.” Hinata reached out a hand as he spoke, causing Kageyama to flinch. Looking pained, Hinata lowered his hand back to the floor. “Believe me, I’m the last person to care about something like that.”

                With a wary eye, Kageyama cautiously observed the orange-haired boy next to him. Though he found no signs of maliciousness, he still couldn’t bring himself to let his guard down.

                “How did you know?”

                “Your pronoun game is weak,” Hinata said with a hint of amusement. “You might have been fine up against someone else, but I’m a pro.”

                Kageyama’s eyes darted quickly over Hinata as he collected his thoughts. As his heartbeat and breathing slowed, he felt a pulling at his chest. “Wait, does that mean you’re-“

                “Anyway, tell me what happened next.” Hinata flopped back against the bed, resuming a comfortable position, and motioned for Kageyama to do the same.

                Instead of moving back to his original spot, Kageyama stayed where he was, but allowed himself to relax a bit. “You sure I can’t just stop there?”

                “No way, you’re past the point of no return now,” Hinata laughed. “So, you confessed to your prince charming. What then?”

                Kageyama cleared his throat and looked away awkwardly. “He didn’t take it very well.” He tried not to remember the look of pure disgust he received, the harsh words, the ensuing strike. The harder he tried to push them down, the stronger the memories came bubbling up. “He completely avoided me after that. And after word got out, so did everyone else.” Swallowing down his emotions, Kageyama laughed dryly. “Until they decided to try to beat it out of me, I guess.”

                “Kageyama…” Hinata extended his hand once again to comfort Kageyama, and this time he let him. The heat from Hinata’s touch on his shoulder failed to intoxicate him like it normally did, lulling him into a sense of security instead. In place of the vulnerability he knew he should be feeling, he felt safe.

                “None of the teachers cared. They just acted like nothing was happening until my grades started slipping and they could finally start openly treating me like a problem child. So I just stopped going to school. And my parents…” Kageyama took a deep, shuddering breath. “My parents never said anything, not when I dropped out, not when I stopped visiting them on weekends. I never told them what happened, but I’m sure they heard everything from the school. But they never even tried to talk to me about any of it. Just kept sending money for rent and food, probably glad to keep me out of sight from polite society. And now here I am.”

                Several moments passed by in complete, deafening silence. Kageyama felt his stomach grow cold, worrying he had said too much.

                “Dang.” Hinata pulled his hand away and leaned back to look up at the ceiling. “Sounds rough.”

                “Yep.” Raising his eyebrows slightly Kageyama glanced over at Hinata, searching for any trace of a reaction. Hinata appeared to be deep in thought.

                “You know,” Hinata breathed contemplatively. “I think I get why I was assigned to you.”

                “Oh?”

                “Yeah.” Turning his head to look at Kageyama, Hinata smiled warmly, but with a hint of sadness. “We have a lot in common.”

                “How much?” Kageyama asked, trying not to let on just how badly he wanted to know.

                “A _lot_.” Raising an eyebrow knowingly, Hinata took a deep breath. “And I wish I could tell you that life gets easier or better. But it doesn’t. Society doesn’t take kindly to people like us, and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change any time soon.”

                Kageyama froze at the words “people like us”. _He means_ that, _right? We’re the same?_

                “There are a lot of assholes out there who’ll try their hardest to make your life a living hell,” Hinata continued. “Yeah, there are some nice ones too, but they’re pretty hard to notice through the sea of jerks, and everything starts looking really bleak and hopeless no matter which way you look. But listen to me. Kageyama, _listen._ ” Hinata refused to keep talking until Kageyama was looking at him square in the eye. His face and voice were full of pain and determination. “It’s still better to live. Even with all the pain and the fear and the hurt, it’s worth it. Don’t let them keep you from going out and living your life however you damn well please. There’s so much more out there than them. Take it from a dead guy – it’s better to live.”

                A heavy silence hung over the pair as they stared into each other’s eyes. Kageyama opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out.

                Hinata was the first to look away, heaving a sigh. “Sorry, that probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear.”

                “No, I…” Kageyama struggled to find the words to describe how he was feeling. There was so much swirling around in his head at once – relief, shame, desperation, heat, god knows what else  – it was almost impossible to sort it all out. “I think it helped.”

                “Really?” In a flash, Hinata was back to his overwhelmingly bright self, beaming at Kageyama like he didn’t have a care in the world. It was almost concerning how quickly he could bounce back from any mood.

                _But that’s one of the things I like most about him._

                A familiar, burning pain shot through Kageyama’s arm and disrupted his thoughts, but he ignored it. For the first time in years, he didn’t feel disgusting, and even if it was for just a few moments, he wanted to let himself enjoy it.

                “Yeah.” Looking away sheepishly, Kageyama absentmindedly started playing with the ends of his hair. “Thanks… for listening. And everything.”

                “No problem! I’m always here to be talked at any time about anything!” Hinata looked like he was about to start bouncing off the walls. “Now I don’t know about you, but I’m starving! I don’t feel like cooking though…”

                Kageyama resisted the smile threatening to break on his face. “Want me to order us something?”

                “Pizza!”

                “Alright, give me a minute.” Feeling his lips start to curl upwards, Kageyama covered his mouth with his hand as he heaved his computer onto his lap and opened it up. He watched Hinata bob his head from side to side as he hummed an indistinct tune. Kageyama fiddled idly with the collar of his shirt and let out a long, contented sigh, trying to release some of the swelling sensation in his chest.

                Even though it felt like the whole world had rejected him, Hinata was still willing to stay by his side, and that was more than enough for now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just sort of a bridge chapter, so it's not too eventful. I hope you all enjoy it anyway! (〃∇〃)

                “Stop spamming,” Kageyama growled, glaring at the television screen in front of him. He and Hinata sat side by side on the floor, each holding a controller and tapping away at the buttons. Hinata had wanted to play a fighting game, saying he had never tried one before, and Kageyama had readily agreed, figuring it would be a fun way to pass the time together.

                He was currently regretting that decision.

                “Stop what?” Cheerfully oblivious to the growing frustration of the boy beside him, Hinata continued using the same running punch every time Kageyama tried to get his character to stand up, knocking him back down before he had a chance to retaliate.

                “Using the same move over and over. I can’t move,” Kageyama hissed, trying to keep himself calm.

                “Isn’t that the point?” Hinata inquired genuinely.

                “It’s cheap! It’s practically cheating!” Blood pumping violently through his head, Kageyama resisted the urge to throw his controller at the wall.

                Hinata smirked. “You’re just mad ‘cuz I’m winning.”

                “I’m mad because you’re not playing fair!”

                “It seems like a legitimate strategy to me.” Hinata beamed as the letters “KO” covered the screen. “See? It worked!”

                Eyes burning with fury, Kageyama dropped his controller on the floor and turned to face Hinata. “You cheating piece of-“ He cut himself off by lunging toward the smaller boy, shooting an arm out to try to grab him by the head.

                Hinata easily caught him by the wrist and pushed back, defending against the sudden outburst. “No one likes a sore loser, Kageyama,” he laughed, his voice was somewhat strained from exertion.

                “I’m not a sore loser, I’m pissed that you won!” Kageyama made another grab at Hinata with his free hand, this time aiming for his collar, but his second assault was deflected similarly and just as easily as the first.

                “So you admit that I’m better than you?”  Hinata was clearly having a progressively more difficult time pushing Kageyama off, and he had to lean back slightly to maintain the distance between them.

                “Like hell! You cheated!” Pushing forward, Kageyama desperately struggled against Hinata’s hands on his wrists.

                In sharp contrast to the aura of rage radiating from Kageyama, Hinata seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. “Want a rematch then?” Kageyama ignored the question and continued pushing harder against the force holding him back. “I won’t do the same thing again, I swear!”

                After pausing for a moment, Kageyama allowed himself to relax and pull back a bit, though he was still scowling furiously.

                “Is that a yes, then?” Hinata looked up at him expectantly, face lightly flushed and chest heaving with slow, deliberate breaths.

                Kageyama froze as he became aware of his position hovering over Hinata. Hinata had leaned back further, twisting to use the bed as support to keep from completely toppling over beneath Kageyama.

                It took every ounce of willpower Kageyama had in him to pull himself away and shake himself free of Hinata’s grip. “Only if you play fair,” he mumbled as he picked up his controller once more, hoping he wasn’t blushing too obviously.

                Hinata sprang up to a proper sitting position with a small “Yay!” and eagerly grabbed the second controller off the floor.

                “If you start spamming again, I’m turning it off.” Kageyama glared pointedly at Hinata, who pouted back at him. “I’m serious.”

                “I know, I wasn’t going to!” Hinata whined. “But that means you have to play on my terms too.”

                “Oh?” Raising an eyebrow, Kageyama glanced sideways at Hinata, who was eyeing him impishly.

                “If I win, you have to take out the trash.”

                “No,” Kageyama refused bluntly.

                “Oh come on!” Exasperated, Hinata threw his hands in the air. “You have your rule, why can’t I have one?”

                “That’s different.”

                “If you say so,” Hinata said, looking defeated. He let out an exaggerated sigh and made a show of shrugging his shoulders. “If you’re that afraid of losing, I guess it can’t be helped.”

                “As if I could lose to you!” If Kageyama had a bit more presence of mind, he might have been embarrassed at how worked up he was getting over a game.

                “Then you have nothing to worry about, right?” Grinning mischievously, Hinata leaned in closer to Kageyama, something sparkling in his eyes. “Deal?”

                Kageyama gulped. He gazed back at the shining brown eyes staring unblinkingly up at him, and his mind went temporarily blank as he felt a stirring in his stomach.

                “Deal.”

\---

                Scowling fiercely, Kageyama stormed over to the entranceway closet and yanked his coat off its hanger while trying to ignore Hinata cackling in the background. “I still think you cheated,” he spat, brushing off the dust that had accumulated on the coat with a bit too much force. “There’s no way you could have won with that-“ He made a vague motion at Hinata. “That aimless button-mashing.”

                “Just admit that I’m better than you.” Hinata grinned at him from across the apartment.

                “You must have used some stupid angel magic or something.” Kageyama bitterly shoved his arms into his coat sleeves and pulled it on, jerking the zipper closed aggressively.

                “I don’t have anything like that,” Hinata stated plainly while sauntering over to the entrance. “And even if I did, I’d use it for something way cooler than video games.”

                Kageyama angrily ignored him, focusing instead on his newly assigned task. He walked into the kitchen to fetch the full garbage bag from under the sink. As he tied it closed, he noticed Hinata putting on his shoes by the door. “Where are you going?”

                Hinata shot him a look. “I’m going with you,” he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

                “If you’re going, then why make me do it?” Kageyama barked back.

                “Because that’s not the point.” Focusing his attention on his shoelaces, Hinata didn’t look up to meet Kageyama’s eyes. “You can’t rely on me to do it for you forever.”

                Feeling a flash of guilt and another, unidentifiable pain, Kageyama bit back any snarky responses he wanted to shoot back. “I know that,” he mumbled out quietly, though the fact of that matter was that he tried not to think about how long (or short) his time with Hinata would be.

                “Plus, you probably don’t even know where to take it.”

                “Don’t be stupid, I know at least that much.” _It’s… the basement… right?_

                “Then put your shoes on and let’s go!” Hinata jumped up with way more enthusiasm than the situation called for.

                Sighing, Kageyama dragged the trash over to the doorway and slipped on the first pair of shoes he saw, the material scratching uncomfortably against his bare feet. In the meantime, Hinata swung the door open and bounced outside, lingering just a few feet outside the door. Kageyama reluctantly followed him, pausing and clenching his teeth before taking the first step outside.

                Hinata had managed to lure him out of the apartment several more times since the first, but the farthest he had managed to go was only two or three doors down the walkway. He didn’t get dizzy from being outside for short periods anymore, though the open air still filled him with a sense of uneasiness and dread.

                He shivered as a freezing gust of wind whipped through him. Next to him, Hinata was bouncing in place, seemingly unaffected by the temperature despite not wearing a jacket. _I swear, this guy generates enough heat to support life for a small solar system._

                “Feeling okay?” Hinata asked with a bright smile. Kageyama nodded in response, which earned him a hearty “Let’s go!” from Hinata.

                The farther they got away from the apartment, the further Kageyama’s stomach sank. As they passed the farthest point they had reached before now, he started to feel shaky on his feet, and when they approached the staircase at the far end of the walkway, his stomach lurched. He instinctively brought one hand up to cover his mouth and reached the other out to grab Hinata’s shoulder beside him.

                Hinata immediately sprang into action, having learned how to handle these situations after some experiences in trial and error. He hurried to stand in front of Kageyama, forcing his attention onto him. “Look at me,” he demanded gently. “There’s nothing else here, just me. Okay?”

                Kageyama stared intently into Hinata’s eyes, feeling his warmth and presence while trying to block out everything else from his field of vision.

                “Are you breathing?”

                Suddenly realizing he wasn’t, Kageyama released the breath he had been holding. He nodded.

                “Okay. Keep breathing.” Hinata grabbed onto Kageyama’s free hand with both of his, instantly sucking the cold out of it and replacing it with a comfortable heat. “I’m here, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

                Kageyama felt his chest swell and constrict at every syllable that fell out of Hinata’s mouth. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to topple forward onto the small, warm body in front of him and hold him close, but he resisted.

                “I’ll be with you the whole time, so there’s nothing to worry about.” Hinata’s voice was soft and smooth and reassuring as he tenderly stroked Kageyama’s palm with his thumbs.

                Closing his eyes, Kageyama focused his attention on the feeling of skin moving against skin, rhythmic and predictable, exactly the opposite of how his heart was behaving.

                “How are you doing?” Reacting to Hinata’s voice, Kageyama slowly opened his eyes, the queasiness of his stomach and general uneasiness greatly diminished.

                There were so many ways he could answer that question, but he settled on a breathy “Fine.”

                “Alright.” Hinata gave Kageyama’s hand a gentle squeeze before releasing and letting it drop. Kageyama promptly shoved his hand in his coat pocket, trying to preserve the residual warmth on it for as long as he could. “Ready to keep going?”

                “Yeah,” Kageyama muttered weakly, nodding his head.

                “Okay!” Pivoting on one foot to return to his former place by Kageyama’s side, Hinata gave him a gentle nudge towards the staircase.

                Their descent to the basement of the complex went more or less smoothly, with Hinata frequently glancing at Kageyama and occasionally giving his arm an assuring touch if he thought he could use it. Kageyama carefully split his focus between his footing on the steps and Hinata matching his slow pace beside him.

                Once they reached the bottom of the final flight of stairs, Hinata dashed a few feet ahead to open the door to the trash collection room. He held the door open with an exaggerated bow and a flourish. “After you, your majesty.”

                Kageyama barely managed to keep himself from laughing at how ridiculous Hinata looked. Maintaining his composure, he walked up to the doorway and paused to look down at Hinata’s lowered head. Unable to restrain himself any longer, he placed his free hand on it and ruffled Hinata’s orange curls with just enough force to make it seem like a joke.

                _Soft…_

                “Hey!” Hinata protested playfully, batting Kageyama’s arm away and using both of his hands to smooth his hair back out. Of course, it sprang right back up, unruly as ever.

                Kageyama smiled to himself as Hinata followed him through the door and to the numerous piles of garbage, neatly separated and labeled. Shifting his weight unsurely, he looked back and forth between the bag in his hand and the piles in front of him. The one he held clearly wasn’t for recycling, which narrowed down his options, but he still wasn’t quite certain.

                “Need some help?” Hinata offered innocently.

                “Shut up!” Kageyama spat, flushed with embarrassment at his inability to do such a simple task. “I just haven’t done this in a while, alright?”

                “I know, no need to snap at me!” Hinata raised his hands up in surrender. “It’s burnable, though.”

                Kageyama stared blankly at Hinata for a second before realizing what he was talking about. He shuffled hastily over to the pile labeled “Burnable Garbage” and threw the bag on top. Turning back around, he saw Hinata beaming impossibly brightly at him.

                “What’s that look for?” Kageyama asked with some amount of hesitation.

                “You did it!”

                Kageyama shot him an incredulous look. “Yeah, wow, what a brilliant fucking achievement.”

                “It is though!” Everything about Hinata’s demeanor suggested that he was being completely sincere. Kageyama floundered, trying to figure out how he should react. No matter how much time he spent around Hinata, Kageyama still couldn’t get used to the idea of someone actually caring about him, urging him to progress, being proud of him… He felt his ears warm at the thought.

                “I’ll celebrate when we get back to the apartment.” He meant to sound sarcastic, but his tone came out more affectionate than he intended.

                Hinata grinned back at him. “I’ll race you!”

                After trying and failing to imagine himself successfully running up the four flights of stairs back to his floor, Kageyama shook his head. “I’ll pass on that.” As Hinata’s face fell, Kageyama’s heart fell along with it. “I want another rematch, though,” he added on, referring to the game they had left on back in the apartment. Hinata instantly lit back up, a competitive glint returning to his eye.

                “You’re on!” Hinata pumped a fist in the air, and Kageyama watched him fondly, idly thinking about how lucky he was to have him around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UP NEXT: Very special holiday chapter, to be posted (hopefully) on Christmas Eve.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERI KURI!
> 
> Will Kageyama smooch a ghost? Read on to find out!

                Muttering quietly to himself, Kageyama paced back and forth next to his bed. The only lighting in the apartment came from the dim moonlight filtering in through the blinds – the sun had gone down hours ago. It was dark and late and cold and Hinata still hadn’t shown his face yet today. Although he had never explicitly stated that he would visit every day, he would appear every afternoon, bright and smiling and eager to drag Kageyama outside. He was making good progress with it, too. It had even gotten to the point where Kageyama could spend a few minutes out on the street in front of the apartment building, given that there weren’t too many people around.

                _Why isn’t he here?_

                Kageyama carefully thought back on their interactions from the past few days, trying to find a hint at the reason for Hinata’s absence. He couldn’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening, just the usual eating together, lounging around, making idle conversation, venturing as far outside as Kageyama could handle… Hinata’s behavior hadn’t seemed any different, either. He had been as cheerful and patient and casually affectionate as always.

                _Just accept that he’s not coming, it doesn’t matter why._

                Letting out an anguished sigh, Kageyama collapsed heavily onto his bed. If Hinata wasn’t coming, there wasn’t really any reason to be awake. Ignoring the nagging feeling of worry at the back of his mind, Kageyama pulled the blankets over his head, enveloping himself in a suffocating cocoon of heat. He slowly drifted off into a shallow, troubled sleep.

                As he slept, he dreamed a long dream of nothing. Years of emptiness and isolation passed by in his mind in agonizing slow motion. There was no pain, no sadness, and no one to hurt him, but there was no light, either. No warmth. No one to take him by the hand and guide him forward. It would never have bothered him before, but now it gnawed at his insides like a parasite.

                An eternity later, he returned to consciousness and pried his eyes open, reaching to pull his phone off the dresser and check the time. Not even ten minutes had passed since the last time he checked.

                Kicking the blankets off restlessly, he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyelids. No matter how much he deluded himself into thinking he was doing well, he was still worthless without Hinata by his side to help him along. Just one day alone, and he instantly reverted to helplessness.

                _Pathetic…_

                He remained on his bed, hands pressed to his eyes, for what seemed like an ice age. Seconds ticked by as he watched grey shapes bloom and morph and disappear behind his eyelids. A knock rang through his head.

                _Great. Now I’m hallucinating._

                He pulled his hands away from his eyes, allowing his vision to fade to its natural black. Sighing, he let his arms fall onto his chest, weighing it down and forcing him to take full, deliberate breaths.

                Another knock resounded, this time through his ears. His heart leapt, and for moment he was afraid it might fall out through his mouth.

                In one swift motion, Kageyama brought himself to his feet and started towards the door. He heard a sharp, snapping _thud_ just before a jolt of pain shot up his leg, sending him tumbling loudly to the floor.

                “You okay in there?”

                Kageyama had to postpone his relief at hearing Hinata’s voice as he curled up on the floor, holding his foot in both hands. Apparently he had rammed it into the table full force, and it was now throbbing with pain.

                A weak “Ow” was all he managed to get out in response.

                Hinata sounded concerned and frantic when he spoke again. “What happened? Are you alright?”

                “Owwwwww.”

                “Words, Kageyama!”

                “I’m fine,” Kageyama strained, pushing himself up to a sitting position. “Hang on a minute.” He pointed and flexed his toes a few times, wincing. Each movement sent another pang through his foot, but he still had a normal range of motion. He carefully stood back up and hobbled towards the door, careful of his footing.

                As soon as he swung the door open, Hinata immediately hopped inside and closed the door behind him, giving Kageyama a look somewhere between worried and amused. “You okay?”

                Kageyama reached a hand up to rub at the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah I just stubbed my toe.”

                “Ouch,” Hinata cringed sympathetically, somehow smiling at the same time. “But hey! I have a surprise for you!”

                Tilting his head off to the side, Kageyama looked up and down over Hinata once. “What is it?” he asked, seeing nothing to offer him a hint.

                “Well, you know what day it is, right?” Hinata was bouncing in place excitedly.

                Clueless, Kageyama took a shot in the dark. “Um… Tuesday?”

                “…Kageyama, that’s not even…” Not knowing where to begin explaining how wrong that answer was, Hinata gave up mid-sentence and shook his head. “It’s Christmas Eve!”

                “Wait, really?” Kageyama raised his eyebrows, genuinely surprised at the information. He never paid attention to dates, and he somehow had it in his mind it was still a couple of weeks away.

                “Yeah!” Hinata exclaimed. “And do you know what that means?”

                “I missed my birthday,” Kageyama deadpanned.

                The glee on Hinata’s face was quickly replaced by shock. “ _What?!_ ”

                Kageyama shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, it was two days ago, I guess.”

                “Why didn’t you tell me? We could have done something special!”

                “It doesn’t really matter. I spent the day with you anyway, and that’s-“ Kageyama stopped himself before he could finish his sentence and fixed his gaze on the floor. _That’s all I really wanted._

“You still should’ve told me…” Looking downcast, Hinata let out a deflated sigh.

                Seeing Hinata so disappointed sent a wave of guilt through Kageyama’s chest. “I would have if I knew.”

                “Oh well, we’ll just have to double celebrate today,” Hinata surrendered, springing back to his previous enthusiasm.

                Kageyama fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, unsure of whether he should be scared or excited about whatever “celebration” Hinata had planned. “So what’s the surprise?”

                “Oh yeah!” Hinata said as if he had forgotten. “It’s a surprise.”

                “Obviously, dumbass,” Kageyama shot back, earning him a playful glare from Hinata.

                “It’s no fun if I tell you, you have to guess.”

                “Can I get a hint?”

                Hinata placed a hand on his chin, making a show of being deep in thought. “Hmmmm… It’s Christmas Eve.” Losing patience, Kageyama smacked his palm against his forehead. “What do people do on Christmas Eve?”

                Kageyama silently thanked whatever god or gods existed that his hand was already covering his face, otherwise he would have no way to hide the blush that was blooming on his face with record speed. Seeing as Christmas Eve was traditionally a couples’ holiday, he was left with a very specific genre of options to guess from.

                After a few flustered seconds, he finally managed to sputter out the most innocent answer he could think of. “G-… Go on dates?”

                “Aside from that,” Hinata said with a dismissive wave.

                Hit by a rush of either relief or disappointment, Kageyama willed himself to calm down, taking a deep, near-soundless breath as his heart pounded in his ears. “I don’t know, then.”

                “They eat cake, Kageyama.” Hinata made an odd, dramatic hand gesture. “ _Cake._ ”

                “You didn’t bring a cake, though,” Kageyama pointed out matter-of-factly.

                “We’re gonna go get it.”

                Exasperated, Kageyama pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Hinata, it’s Christmas Eve.”

                Hinata gave him a sideways glance. “Yes. That’s been pretty well established at this point.”

                “Do you have any idea how many people are going to be out right now?” Just the thought of being in the middle that big of a crowd sent a terrified shiver down Kageyama’s spine.

                “A lot.”

                “I can’t… I can’t go out there.” Ashamed, Kageyama carefully avoided Hinata’s eyes.

                “Yes you can.” Hinata’s tone wasn’t pushy or forceful. He just sounded like he was stating a given fact. “I’ve seen how far you’ve come, and I know you can do it.”

                “Look, I know you mean well, but I _really_ don’t think I’m ready yet,” Kageyama pleaded. He may have been able to take a few steps outside, but that didn’t mean he could handle being thrown into a mass of people on a busy night. A mass of _couples._

                “There’s only one way to find out.” Hinata nodded his head towards the door. “Get your coat on and let’s go!”

                Kageyama looked into Hinata’s eyes, which gazed back up at him intently, wide and full of expectation and excitement and something soft. He sighed, completely defeated. How could he say no to that?

                As he opened the closet to grab his coat and a scarf, he heard Hinata give a quiet, but enthusiastic “Yesss” from behind him. He rolled his eyes while he wrapped the scarf around his neck, more out of fondness than irritation. “You okay with just that jacket?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at Hinata before pulling his coat on.

                “Yep, it’s not so bad out.” Hinata was well past the point of bouncing, and was now jogging in place energetically, clearly eager to get going.

                “If you say so,” Kageyama muttered, pulling on a pair of shoes. He opened the door wide and motioned for Hinata to go through. “After you.”

                More than happy to take him up on the offer, Hinata bolted out the door, gleefully yelling “Cake!” as he passed through the doorway. Following after him, Kageyama grabbed a ring of keys from the key hook next to the door. He locked up at a leisurely pace, ignoring the constant chant of “Cake! Cake! Cake!” echoing behind him.

                Kageyama braced himself, trying to secure his mind with whatever resolve he could scrounge up. “Alright, let’s go.”

                They made it down the stairs and to the street outside the apartment complex without incident, though that didn’t make Kageyama any more confident about what was to come.

                He stood on the edge of the sidewalk, tense and on high alert. His eyes darted around frantically, seeing a new face with each movement. There were so many people, too many people, talking, laughing, gossiping, whispering, flirting, chatting, giggling, blurring together. The air was too thin and too cold and _I can’t breathe_.

                Something gripped the top of his head, forcing it and his eyes downward. His entire field of vision was suddenly filled with Hinata, and only Hinata. The pressure on his head disappeared as Hinata shifted, still staring up at him.

                “Don’t look around, look at me.” Hinata’s voice was calm and commanding, grounding Kageyama in reality. “I’m right here. No one is going to hurt you and nothing is going to happen. Okay?” Kageyama nodded.  “We’re going to start walking now. It’s going to take about five minutes. We can stop to take a break any time you want to. Okay?” He nodded again. “Okay. Follow behind me and keep watching me.” Hinata gave Kageyama a gentle push in the right direction before stepping in front of him and leading him up the street.

                Doing as he was told, Kageyama kept his eyes on Hinata’s slender back, watching the movement of the folds of his jacket against his frame as he took each step, the way his collar didn’t quite cover up all of his neck, letting a tiny glimpse of skin peek through, the glorious mess of orange on his head. Kageyama barely registered the background radiation of bright lights and loud voices through his intent focus on the figure in front of him.

                Hinata turned his head around for an instant and grabbed onto Kageyama’s wrist as a rhythmic dinging noise rang over the din of the crowded street. “C’mon, if we hurry we can make it across.”

                Allowing himself to be dragged forward at an accelerated pace, Kageyama wondered through the fog in his mind what they were crossing. The dinging drew nearer. He had heard it before, many times, but not for years.

                A jolt of panic ran through his body as recognition hit. He tore his eyes away from Hinata for a moment and caught a glimpse of a flashing red arrow pointing left and a striped mechanical arm slowly lowering itself. Hinata was moving towards it, pulling him towards it.

                “No!” Kageyama reflexively reached out and took hold of Hinata’s jacket by the collar, yanking him backwards violently.

                “Ow! What are you-“ Pulling at the front of his collar, Hinata rounded on Kageyama, only to pause when he saw the frantic look on his face. “Ah…”

                A few hurried pedestrians managed to cross the train tracks in front of them before the gates lowered too far to walk under. Kageyama released his grip on Hinata’s jacket and self-consciously shoved his hands in his pockets. “It’s… It’s safer to wait.”

                “Right…” Hinata muttered weakly under his breath, readjusting his jacket and straightening it out. He offered Kageyama a half-hearted smile. “Good call.”

                A gust of wind whipped by as the train barreled through the crossing, sucking the breath out of Kageyama’s lungs. He glanced next to him to see Hinata, staring straight ahead at the speeding wall of lights and metal, his expression disturbingly blank. The wind viciously disrupted his hair and clothing, but his eyes remained perfectly still and distant.

                Kageyama stood frozen, helplessness paralyzing him completely. Hinata was always the one comforting him, and he had no idea what to do in return. Not knowing what else to do, he hesitatingly reached a hand towards Hinata’s, holding it tight. It was a few long seconds before Hinata squeezed back hard, still not altering his gaze.

                The last car sped past, the wind died down, and the roaring of the train on its tracks gave way to the chatter of the people on the streets. Even as the gates returned to vertical, Hinata didn’t move.

                A faint giggle came from somewhere nearby. Kageyama whipped his head around to find its source, and all the blood instantly drained from his face. A young woman was looking straight at the two of them, whispering something to her friend next to her.

                _Shit._

                He quickly jerked his hand away from Hinata and stuffed it back in his pocket. Only vaguely aware of Hinata stirring next to him, he looked at all the faces in every direction, picking out the ones giving him odd looks, the whispers and hushed laughter.

                “Did you see-“

                “Do you think they-“

                “-in public?”

                “No way!”

                “-‘s kind of-“

                “Gross.”

                Kageyama clamped his hands over his ears and screwed his eyes shut, but the voices didn’t stop. They kept echoing in his head over and over, blocking everything else out. They were the same words that had plagued him for years, the same voices. His heart pounded desperately in his chest, working to make up for his shallow breathing as he was swallowed into darkness.

                Barely conscious, he felt like he was floating, being carried somewhere far away as he lost track of the passage of time.

                “-eyama!”

                Something was pulling at his hands.

                “Kageyama, look at me!”

                He opened his eyes. Hinata’s face was just a few inches from his own, close enough to feel his breath on his skin.

                “No one’s here, just me.”

                The air had changed. It was warm. Too warm. Kageyama unzipped his coat halfway and pulled his scarf loose in an attempt to cool off.

                “Kageyama, I want you to talk to me.”

                “I’m sorry.” The words rang quietly in Kageyama’s ears, almost like he hadn’t said them. He felt his breath catch in his throat. “I’m sorry.”

                “No, don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Hinata seemed to get even closer as he linked their hands together.

                “I’m sorry I’m so fucked up.” Kageyama’s voice came out broken, fragmented by sobs.

                “No no no, you’re not. You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you.” Hinata was now entirely too close.

                Panicked, Kageyama pulled back and looked around frantically. The bustling streets and neon signs were gone, replaced by close wooden walls and dim, indirect wall lights. Judging by the neatly set tables, they appeared to be hidden away in a closed-off corner of some cafe. “Where are we?”

                “We’re at the bakery,” Hinata explained, separating from Kageyama and settling into the seat across the table from him. “I would say I’m grateful you’re so light, but that probably means I’m not feeding you enough.”

                Suddenly unable to look Hinata in the eye, Kageyama stared down at the table. “I’m s-“ _No, that’s not right._ “…Thank you.”

                Hinata waved him off. “How are you feeling?”

                “Um…” Kageyama shifted in his seat, unsure of how to answer. “Drained.”

                “Alright,” Hinata breathed, understanding. “I’m gonna get the cake so we can get back. Will you be okay waiting here?”

                “I think so.”

                After giving a final “okay”, Hinata hopped to his feet and disappeared around the corner. As soon as he was out of sight, Kageyama folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them, taking a deep breath and blocking out as much light and sound as he could.

                _Why can’t I just act like a normal person for once?_

                Several minutes passed as Kageyama kept his head down and his mind as blank as possible.

                “Kageyama, it’s a cake.” Hinata gently jostled Kageyama’s shoulder, willing him to react. “We have a cake. Kageyama, look. Look at the cake.”

                Kageyama reluctantly lifted his head up and squinted his eyes open to see Hinata posing dramatically with a plain white box. He fought to keep a laugh from escaping his mouth. “What are you doing?”

                “Making you smile,” Hinata answered cheerfully, prompting Kageyama to immediately furrow his brows into a scowl. “Nope, it’s too late. I already saw it.” Mimicking the disgruntled expression, Hinata pranced over to Kageyama’s side and bent down to press a fingertip to the space between his eyebrows. “So grumpy!”

                “Get your hand out of my face,” Kageyama growled, swatting Hinata’s hand away.

                Hinata just laughed in response, taking a step backwards. “Ready to go?”

                Letting his head fall back down to the table, Kageyama let out an exhausted groan. “No.”

                “Me neither. Let’s go!”

                He lifted his head up to complain more effectively. “Can’t you teleport us or something?”

                “Unfortunately, no,” Hinata said with an apologetic shrug. “We have to walk just like everyone else.”

                “Ugh, fine,” Kageyama sighed, hoisting himself to his feet. Hinata led him around the corner and past the counter, where a gaggle of customers had their eyes glued to the various cakes, tarts, and custards in the display case. When they reached the door, Hinata paused and turned to look seriously at Kageyama.

                “Okay, same deal as on the way here. Watch me and follow me and let me know if you need to stop. Got it?”

                “Yes, mother,” Kageyama deadpanned back.

                “Hey!” Hinata gasped, pretending to be offended as he opened the door and stepped outside. “If you talk back to me like that again, you’re grounded!”

                “Kind of a shitty punishment if you think about it.”

                “Thinking is overrated.” Hinata kicked at the ground, abruptly losing some of his cheerful air for just a moment. “Come on, let’s get back and annihilate this cake.”

                Kageyama bounced lightly on the balls of his feet a couple of times to work up his nerves before following Hinata outside.

\---

                The moment they got back to the apartment, Kageyama left Hinata behind in the entranceway to stumble over to the table and collapse onto the floor next to it. Heaving a sigh, he struggled to pull off his coat and scarf before throwing them unceremoniously onto the bed. He leaned back and closed his eyes, breathing in deep and feeling the security of home settle into his skin.

                It wasn’t long before Hinata appeared, balancing the unboxed cake in one hand and a pair of plates and utensils in the other. “I hope you’re ready to eat this whole thing,” he joked, placing each item neatly on the table.

                Kageyama tiredly glared up at Hinata, trying to decide how seriously to take him. “This is enough for at least six people.”

                “More like eight,” Hinata said as he shot Kageyama an amused look. “So which half do you want?”

                Pushing himself off from against the bed, Kageyama leaned forward to get a better look at the expertly decorated cake. For the most part, it looked like a standard, picturesque Christmas cake, with perfectly swirled whipped cream dollops and flawless, identical strawberries lining the outer rim, and a small candy Santa situated off to one side. Its one differentiating feature was the extra chocolate placard; placed carefully next to the one reading “Merry Christmas” was a second one that said “Happy Birthday”.

                Kageyama felt himself shrink down smaller and smaller the longer he looked at the cake.

                _I don’t deserve this._

                Looking over at Kageyama expectantly, Hinata picked up a knife off the table and kneeled down to get a better angle. When he didn’t get a response, he tilted his head slightly to one side. “Kageyama?”

                “I can’t.” Kageyama wrapped his arms limply around himself and brought his knees up to his chest.

                “You can’t what?” Hinata inquired, turning his body to face Kageyama fully.

                “It’s too nice. I can’t… I don’t…” Kageyama’s mouth felt dry as he tried to put his feelings into words.

                Hinata put the knife back down on the table, giving Kageyama his complete attention. “Don’t say that. Don’t think that. You have every right to be celebrating right now.”

                “All I ever do is mess up and freak out and embarrass myself. I’m pathetic,” Kageyama muttered with a hollow laugh.

                “No. Look at me.” Keeping his voice firm, but soft, Hinata reached out and turned Kageyama’s head towards him, leaving his palm resting on Kageyama’s cheek. “You are _amazing._ You’re going out and facing your fears like most people can’t even imagine. And that’s _incredible,_ and so are you.”

                Eyes burning, Kageyama struggled to hear Hinata’s words over the pounding of his pulse in his ears. The heat of Hinata’s hand on him threatened to burst into a scorching flame.

                “Are you listening?”

                Kageyama nodded quickly, desperately maintaining eye contact. He needed more, needed to be closer.

                “Tell me you deserve nice things,” Hinata commanded, sending a warm shiver down Kageyama’s spine.

                “I deserve nice things,” Kageyama repeated breathily, and at least in that moment, he really believed it.

                Hinata nodded firmly, apparently satisfied. “Good. Let’s cake.”

                As Hinata pulled away, the empty air hit Kageyama like a crashing wave. His lungs filled heavily and unnaturally, as if he were suddenly missing some vital component to breathing. He became hyper-aware of every movement that Hinata made, from the way his fingers wrapped around the knife and shifted as he cut into the cake, to the subtle rise and fall of his clavicle as he breathed, the tiniest tremor vibrating the collar of his shirt with every beat of his heart.

                “Hinata…”

                “Hm?” Hinata casually turned his head towards Kageyama to shoot him a questioning look while handing him a plate of cake.

                Kageyama started. He hadn’t realized he had spoken out loud until Hinata reacted. Floundering as he took the plate from Hinata, he tried to think of something to say. “D-do you want to put something on?” he stuttered, nodding towards the TV.

                “Sure!” Hinata replied, his smile bright and unsuspecting. “Any preferences?”

                “Anything’s fine.”

                “Cheesy Christmas crap it is, then.” Hinata grabbed the remote off the bed behind him, turning the TV on and flipping through the channels until he found something sufficiently cheesy and Christmas-y and crappy. “Ah, this looks perfect.” It was some older, low-budget foreign movie, filling the screen to the brim with bright twinkling lights, ribbon, tinsel, and terrible acting. Kageyama didn’t mind, considering he hadn’t particularly intended to watch in the first place. As long as Hinata was enjoying himself, Kageyama would put up with almost anything.

                Kageyama absentmindedly picked at the cake in front of him with his fork, knocking the Happy Birthday chocolate onto its back and upsetting the whipped cream swirl behind it. He glanced beside him at Hinata, who was just settling down against the bed, eyes bright and cake in hand. Keeping his gaze on the screen, Hinata idly licked off a bit of whipped cream that had somehow made its way onto his thumb. Kageyama hastily tore his eyes away, pushing all thoughts involving Hinata’s tongue as far out of his mind as he could. Without realizing it, he started dragging his fingernails back and forth along the bottom of his plate in a scratching motion.

                “Eat,” Hinata said, swallowing a mouthful of cake and causing Kageyama to jump. “It’s really good.”

                “Right…” Directing his attention to the pile of sugar in front of him, Kageyama took a cautious forkful from the perfectly pointed tip and raised it to his lips. Almost as soon as it hit his tongue, both the cake and the cream started to melt, mixing with the sweet tartness of the strawberry. His eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise. It was light, smooth, and not overly sweet.

                “It _is_ good.”

                “And there’s plenty more,” Hinata laughed, already halfway finished with his slice.

                They sat like that, side by side, watching (and frequently making fun of) the awful movie they had subjected themselves to, and downing way more of the cake than Kageyama had thought was possible. Of course, he had only managed to eat about a third of what Hinata had, but between the two of them, over half the cake was gone by the time the movie ended.

                “Ugh, so full,” Hinata whined as he clicked the TV off with the remote and slumped down onto the floor.

                “Regretting that last piece?” The corners of Kageyama’s lips twitched upwards as he looked at the exaggeratedly pained expression on Hinata’s face.

                “Not a bite.” Closing his eyes, Hinata twisted around and lowered himself completely so he was lying on his side on the floor, legs curled up under the table. “You don’t mind if I nap here, right?”

                “When it’s this late, we just call that ‘sleeping’,” Kageyama retorted softly, biting back a laugh.

                “Whatever, just let me fall into a sugar coma.” Curling himself up tighter, Hinata shifted his weight around in an attempt to get comfortable.

                “You’re gonna wake up sore if you fall asleep there.”

                “Fiiiiiiiine,” Hinata groaned, pouting as he opened his eyes and scooted himself back up to a sitting position. “It’s probably a bad idea for me to fall asleep here, anyway.”

                Curious, Kageyama tilted his head. “Why’s that?”

                Hinata smiled tiredly up at Kageyama, eyes half-lidded and clouded by sleep. “I’ll get too comfortable and then I’ll want to stay in here with you forever.”

                A shock jolted through Kageyama’s body from his chest, and without being told, his hand shot out to grab onto Hinata’s.

                Looking alarmed, Hinata suddenly sat up straight. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling okay?”

                Kageyama could feel his heart beat fast and his breathing grow strained, but it wasn’t from panic. “Nothing’s wrong, I feel…” _I feel incredible._

                “What’s up?” Hinata turned in place to give Kageyama his full attention.

                “Hinata…” _Closer…_

                “What is it?” Gazing into Kageyama’s eyes searchingly and giving his hand an encouraging squeeze, Hinata leaned in closer. Close enough for Kageyama to count his eyelashes, close enough to see the slightest flash of white teeth between slightly parted lips. His entire body ached and heaved, willing him to pull Hinata into his arms.

                “…Hinata…” Kageyama could barely even get his voice up to a whisper.

                “Kageyama, tell me what’s wrong.”

                The heat and desperate need bubbling in Kageyama’s chest overflowed, and he couldn’t fight it any longer. He reached out his empty hand to cradle the back of Hinata’s neck, nesting his fingertips in the soft orange sea of his hair. Gently, slowly, carefully, he pulled Hinata towards him.

                Before he could register what was happening, they were separated, and Hinata’s hand was covering Kageyama’s mouth, pushing him back as far as his arm would allow.

                “What are you doing?”

                Kageyama’s heart stopped. Hinata was staring at him accusingly, shoulders shaking as he lowered his hand and pushed himself farther away.

                “I… I don’t know.” Fighting back the tears welling up in his eyes, Kageyama felt himself splitting in two.

                Hinata scrambled to his feet. “Noooo no no no no, that’s not-“ He ran a hand stressfully through his hair. “That’s not supposed to happen.”

                Kageyama’s mind screamed at his body to move, to do anything, but he was completely paralyzed. “Hinata, I-“

                “I need to go,” Hinata mumbled, turning on his heel. “I can’t- I need to go.” He hurried out to the doorway, clumsily grabbing his jacket and stepping into his shoes.

                “Hinata, please.” _Move, dammit!_

                Without another word, Hinata swung the door open and rushed outside, letting the door slam closed on its own.

                The heavy silence he left in his wake weighed down on Kageyama as if the entire sky had fallen and was pressing down on his shoulders. Unmoving, he watched himself from above as he stared blankly at the wall, thinking of nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ʘ‿ʘ
> 
> Keeping with the holiday theme, next chapter should be up on New Year's Eve. Yes, an ENTIRE WEEK from now. Feel free to yell at me on tumblr in the meantime (labryslazuli there as well because I am Unoriginal).


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakin' up early to post before work because ilu all~
> 
> Extra not happy with this chapter, but by god I said it'd be up today, and I am a woman of my word.

Message from: Mother

Subject: New Year

Sent: Dec 31 11:34PM

> Your father and I are starting to think about cleaning for New Year’s. Do you want us to come clear your room up again this year?

 

                Kageyama blinked blearily at his phone screen as he yawned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. It took a few re-reads for the words to convey any meaning through to his hazy mind. He checked the time stamp, numbly noting that it was sent several hours ago, and that an entire week had passed since he inadvertently drove Hinata away.

                He glanced around the room, eyes blank and barely able to focus. Aside from a light layering of dust, everything looked exactly the same as it did a week ago, right down to the now-stale, half-eaten Christmas cake still sitting on the table. Two dirtied forks lay on two dirtied plates next to it, silently mocking him. The one on the left was Hinata’s. Kageyama tried not to think about it.

                Sluggishly, he typed out a reply.

 

< No need.

 

                After dropping the phone down on the bed beside him, he rolled onto his side, curling up as close to the wall as he could. It was cold.

                A week. A whole week since it happened. Since he had seen Hinata’s face, heard his voice, felt his skin and his hair.

                Kageyama absentmindedly scratched at the skin on his hip.

                A week since he had gotten out of bed for anything except to get a drink or go to the bathroom.

                His phone beeped at him once. He ignored it.

                He had no idea so much time had passed. Or was it so little time? He wasn’t sure.

                What had gone wrong? Everything was going so well, he had been so sure of it. Hinata had called him amazing, incredible… How was he supposed to feel?

                “I’ll want to stay in here with you forever.”

                Hinata’s words echoed hollow in his head, clear as if he were still in the room.

                _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_

_You can’t just say something like that and then push me away._

_if that’s not how you feel then what does it MEAN I don’t understand please come back and tell me_

_Please come back._

                Kageyama took a deep breath, forcing his hands to relax from digging into his skin and allowing his eyes to slip out of focus. He had gone over it enough times in his head already. No point in thinking about it any longer. No point in thinking.

                He gradually lulled himself back out of consciousness, eyes still open and staring far past the off-white wall in front of them.

\---

                There were footsteps. In Kageyama’s apartment. They were light, almost silent. He recognized them.

                Blinking slowly, he rolled onto his back. Had he turned the light on before he fell asleep?

                The soft rattling of the refrigerator door being opened sounded through the room. Kageyama held his breath.

                Next was a prolonged clicking. The stove.

                Then a sigh. It was light, almost silent. He recognized it.

                _Am I dreaming?_

                The bed creaked under him as he sat up and rose to his feet. He didn’t make a sound as he moved, almost floating, towards the kitchen. He stopped to notice a familiar pair of shoes by the door. The clanking of silverware and cracking of eggshells overwhelmed his senses. Bracing himself, he exhaled and peered into the kitchen.

                As soon as he saw Hinata standing there, apron on and pulling a canister down out of one of the cabinets, he had to fight off every fiber in his body to not run over to him, wrap himself around him. All the desire he had pushed from his mind over the past seven days crashed down on him at once. He wanted, _needed_ , to feel the heat of Hinata’s skin under his hands. What would it feel like to hold him? To be held by him? If he buried his face in his hair, what would it smell like? Would his heart stop? Would he wake up?

                The walls warped and bent as Kageyama’s knees gave out. He fell against the wall with a loud _thud,_ and desperately clung to it keep himself from collapsing onto the floor.

                Hinata didn’t react.

                Wide-eyed and watching Hinata’s every move, Kageyama’s breathing became heavy. He grabbed some of the skin on his arm between his fingertips and pinched hard as he tried to steady himself on his feet. A twinge of pain shot up his arm.

                _This is real. He’s really here._

                He opened his mouth to speak, but his voice failed from disuse. Covering his mouth with his sleeve, he coughed his voicebox into action.

                Hinata stayed focused on whisking the contents of the bowl in front of him.

                “How did you get in?” Kageyama asked hoarsely, his awe at Hinata’s presence dripping from every letter.

                Deliberately keeping his eyes forward, Hinata hesitated before answering. “The door was unlocked.”

                His voice…

                Although curt, it was clear and vibrant, sending a wave of warmth all the way through Kageyama’s fingertips.

                “Why?” Even Kageyama wasn’t sure what he was asking about. Why did Hinata refuse him so harshly? Why did he leave for so long? Why was he here now? _Why won’t you look at me?_

                “I couldn’t leave you alone for New Year’s. It’s depressing,” Hinata responded shortly as he moved over to the stove and hovered a hand closely over the rectangular pan sitting on it.

                Kageyama didn’t know what else to say, so he just watched.

                The pan let out a sizzling hiss as Hinata poured a bit of the mixture in the bowl into it.

                “ _Shit!_ ” Hinata cursed, a small trail of smoke rising in front of him. He quickly grabbed the cooking chopsticks from the countertop and carried the pan over to the sink to scrape out its contents. Expelling an aggravated sigh, he turned and slammed the pan back onto the stove and reached for a bottle of oil from one of the cabinets. “Can you please stop staring at me? It’s making it really hard to concentrate.”

                “Sorry,” Kageyama muttered, reluctantly but hastily averting his eyes. He found himself fixated on Hinata’s ankles, which would occasionally peek out from between his socks and the hem of his pants as he moved around. Was it normal to think ankles were cute?

                “Kageyama, _please._ ” Hinata’s voice came out harsh through gritted teeth. “Can you go do something else for a bit, because you are _seriously_ distracting me.”

                Flinching slightly, Kageyama let out a barely audible “Right,” before withdrawing back to his bed.

                His mind raced in every direction as he lowered himself to the floor and fidgeted with the ends of his sleeves. Hinata was really here. Not in the best mood, but here. This was his chance to fix things, but how? Apologize? Try to act like nothing happened? Get everything out in the open? Kageyama ran a trembling hand through his hair in an attempt to calm himself. His fingertips slid over the slick strands, and he abruptly became hyperaware of the week’s worth of oil and grease that had accumulated in them, and everywhere else on his body.

                He felt his heart sink lower in his chest. _Pathetic. No wonder he hates you._

                Shaking his head, he pressed his fingers into his temples. Thinking like that wouldn’t help. He just had to clean himself up.

                As he stood up to rustle through his dresser for a clean set of clothes, he listened attentively to the sounds coming from the kitchen – sizzling, running water, and an even, rhythmic chopping. He imagined Hinata, not as he was now, but with his usual radiant aura, humming and bobbing his head lightly as he cooked, turning to shoot Kageyama a brilliant grin as he walked in, sending his heart into a fluttering frenzy.

                He had to make it right again.

                Clothes gripped tightly in his hands, he stumbled over to the bathroom, stealing one last glance into the kitchen - at Hinata’s back - before locking himself in. He tried to avoid looking into the mirror, not wanting to know how unpresentable he was. His attention was suddenly caught by his toothbrush, and he ran his tongue over his teeth.

                _Disgusting._

                He smacked himself sharply on the back of the head a few times, dispelling any negative thoughts. Still clinging to every clink and rustle and sigh from the kitchen, he hastily brushed his teeth and spat out in the sink. He tried not to let his thoughts linger on Hinata for too long as he stripped down and rinsed off, hot water burning the raw, streaked patches on his arms and his stomach and his sides. He tried not to think about how Hinata was just on the other side of the wall. He tried to focus on getting himself clean.

                By the time Kageyama started drying off, the sounds coming through the door had changed. The rattling of cookware had been replaced by muffled voices and tinny laughter. Pulling on his clean clothes, he kicked the dirtied ones into a corner as he cracked the door open and peeked outside. The kitchen was empty, used pans placed neatly in the sink. He stuck his head out just enough to see into the main living space.

                The tabled had been cleared off to make room for two small bowls at either end, and a larger dish in the middle. Hinata sat slumped against the bed, arms limp at his sides and eyes fixed, but not focused, on the TV screen flashing in front of him. If he noticed Kageyama emerging from the bathroom, he didn’t show it.

                Kageyama anxiously walked around the table to take his usual spot next to Hinata. His stomach grew cold as Hinata inched away from him.

                “I won’t do anything to you,” Kageyama almost whispered.

                “That’s not what I’m worried about.” Hinata still refused to look at Kageyama.

                “What are you worried about, then?”

                The only answer Hinata offered was a slow, heavy sigh. Kageyama decided not to push it any further, and turned his attention to the variety show on TV as he picked up the pair of chopsticks and steaming bowl of soup in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hinata do the same.

                Neither of them said another word as they ate. Between the shrill voices emitting from the television and his own nerves, Kageyama was having a hard time enjoying his broth-soaked mochi. Each bite formed a sticky, slimy glob in his mouth that refused to be swallowed without a struggle. Giving up halfway, he reached over the table for a piece of tamagoyaki off the plate in the middle and popped it in his mouth. He cringed. There was nothing wrong with it, but he couldn’t handle the texture in his current state.

                Unwilling to force himself to eat any more, Kageyama gently put his chopsticks down and leaned back against the bed. He quickly glanced at Hinata beside him, and was startled to find him staring straight back. The calm intensity in his eyes sent a warm shiver over Kageyama’s skin.

                “I wonder why I bother sometimes.”

                Kageyama blinked. “What?”

                Sighing, Hinata turned his gaze away and motioned at the table. “You barely eat. I don’t need to. What’s the point? It’s just… nice, I guess.” He curled himself up, half-burying his face in his arms. “I like being here with you and eating together. It’s nice.”

                _What the hell?_

                “Kageyama, listen, I…” Hinata started, looking to Kageyama pleadingly. “I don’t know where to start.”

                Kageyama shifted unsurely in place. “Take your time.”

                “Uhm…” Letting out a conflicted sigh, Hinata darted his eyes around the room. “I had a friend. At work. We were hired at the same time, so we stuck together most of the time… Don’t look at me like that, there’s a point to this.” Kageyama relaxed his expression to neutral, unaware that he had been making a face. “We went out drinking at least every week after work. I guess I had one too many one night, I don’t remember it at all… All I know is I went to work with a killer headache the next morning and he was avoiding me. When I went to confront him about it, he just snapped. Said he’d tell our boss all about my _tendencies_ if I didn’t stay the hell away from him.”

                “You got drunk and came out to your coworker?” Kageyama clarified flatly.

                “I guess? I mean, I _hope_ that’s all that-… Stop looking at me like that.”

                “Like what? This is just my face.”

                Hinata huffed. “Anyway, it kept on like that for weeks, and there was just this… _pressure_ growing in my head.” He clawed at the back of his head where it met his neck. “I was so on edge all the time, thinking I’m gonna get fired, I don’t have anywhere to turn, I’m gonna wind up on the streets. I really thought my life was ending.”

                Kageyama’s chest suddenly constricted. He didn’t like where this was going.

                “I was so stressed out I could barely sleep, and it just kept getting worse.” Hinata’s voice was getting more shaky and unstable with every word. Bracing himself, Kageyama pushed himself closer. “I was on my way to work and trying to think of a way out, and… And I saw the train coming and just…” With tears threatening to overflow, Hinata motioned his hands forward.

                The TV rang inappropriately with laughter in the background as Kageyama sat frozen in place. He wanted to do something, to provide some kind of comfort, but he didn’t know what Hinata needed, or what he would reject.

                Heaving a shaky breath, Hinata continued on. “Right before it hit, it was like everything stopped, and I suddenly had time to think of a million other things I could have done instead. It was stupid, and it wasn’t worth it, and I’m so _fucking_ stupid.” His knee abruptly jerked and hit the table, rattling the dishes on it and causing Kageyama to jump.

                “You’re not stupid,” Kageyama said as firmly as he could. “Making a mistake doesn’t make you stupid.”

                “It does when it kills you.”

                “I don’t think that’s how it works…”

                “It doesn’t matter what you think,” Hinata snapped.

                “I think you’re amazing. No matter what. Does that matter?”

                Hinata looked away. “It does… But I can’t be what you want me to be, okay? You still have a life and a future, and I… I don’t want to mess with it.”

                “Aren’t you already messing with it by being here?” Kageyama asked softly.

                Hinata hurriedly wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I guess. But I’m supposed to be helping, not making everything more complicated.”

                “You are helping.”

                “Am I?” Hinata laughed wryly. “I drag you out and give you panic attacks, is that helping?”

                “But when you’re with me it’s not-“

                “Then I’m still just making you dependent on me. Look at you, look what happened when I left you alone for a week. What are you going to do when I’m gone for good?” Hinata’s voice was rising in pitch and volume and tempo. “What am _I_ going to do? God, I don’t even want to find out. I just want to give up and stay here with you and maybe I’ll never have to move on and we can just…”

                Kageyama’s fingertips prickled as Hinata trailed off. Would it help to try to hold him now, or would it just make it worse?

                “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Hinata nearly whispered. “I wish I could.”

                Trying to stay collected, Kageyama choked on his emotions and his words. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”

                Hinata smiled weakly, the slightest shimmer of playfulness in his eye. “Lots of things. Do you want the list?”

                Heart pounding, Kageyama reached out frantically for Hinata’s hand, filling to the brim with warmth when he didn’t pull away. “Tell me what to do.”

                “Say ‘please’.”

                Not expecting something so simple, Kageyama faltered for a moment before bringing his free hand up to gently cradle Hinata’s cheek. Hinata closed his eyes, leaning into the touch and breathing in deep.

                “Hinata,” Kageyama breathed, trying to both convey and hide the sheer desperation he was feeling. “I know we didn’t meet under the best circumstances for either of us, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re everything I want and everything I need and more. _Please._ ”

                “Please what?” Hinata pried, his voice overflowing with something shaking and intense.

                “Be with me. Even if it’s not forever, please be by my side.”

                As Hinata thought it over, Kageyama held his breath. Each second that passed felt like an hour.

                “I’m convinced.” Hinata smiled softly as he wrapped his arms around Kageyama’s chest and nuzzled into his neck, breath still shuddering and ragged.

                The delicate pressure and heat of Hinata’s body against his was almost too much for Kageyama to handle. He felt his consciousness slip to the left as he rested a hand on Hinata’s waist, letting the other run idly through the soft orange curls on his head. It was all too surreal.

                “Hey, Kageyama.”

                “Hm?” Kageyama’s thoughts re-centered as Hinata’s voice vibrated weakly through his chest.

                “You have to promise me something.”

                “What is it?”

                Hinata tapped his fingertips against Kageyama’s ribcage a few times before answering. “Even after I’m gone, you can’t give up. You have to keep going. Okay?”

                “Okay,” Kageyama answered, not sure he was even convincing himself.

                “Promise?”

                “I promise.” He lowered his head to plant a light kiss amidst Hinata’s hair, breathing in his scent as he did. There was no trace of shampoo or soap or any kind of manufactured chemical aroma, just a distinct and natural human scent, bitter and warm and slightly metallic and purely Hinata. Kageyama absentmindedly wondered if he could bottle it and keep it on hand for emergency use.

                “Good.” His voice finally stabilizing, Hinata clung tighter onto Kageyama, adjusting their position to tangle their legs together. “Now you’re _really_ stuck with me. I hope you’re prepared.”

                “I’ll manage somehow,” Kageyama smiled into Hinata’s hair.

                Hinata hummed lightly, his breath tickling at Kageyama’s neck. “How much longer until midnight?”

                Reluctantly, Kageyama glanced at the running countdown on the TV screen. “A little less than an hour and a half.”

                “Ugh, too long,” Hinata groaned, letting go of Kageyama and pushing away. “I’m gonna take a nap.”

                “What happened to not falling asleep here?”

                “No idea what you’re talking about.” Feigning ignorance, Hinata climbed up onto the bed and sprawled out on it. “Wake me up when the final countdown starts.”

                Yawning, Kageyama tilted his head back onto the bed. “I think I’d rather join you.”

                “Noooo, we’ll miss it if we’re both asleep,” Hinata whined, face half-buried in Kageyama’s pillow.

                “So? It’s not that big of a deal,” Kageyama shrugged.

                Hinata propped himself up to squint at Kageyama, brows knitted in disbelief. “Seriously?”

                “What?”

                “Are you actually that dense?”

                “What are you talking about?” Kageyama asked, exasperated.

                Rolling his eyes, Hinata flopped face-down back into the pillow. “Do whatever you want.”

                “I will.” As Kageyama mumbled out his response, he reached for his phone to set an alarm. The screen blinked a reminder at him, telling him he had a new message from his mother.

                _Oh, right…_

 

> Let me know if you want us to visit anyway. It’s always nice to see you.

 

                He bitterly closed the message, refusing to dwell on it. He was having a good night, and he wasn’t about to let anything ruin it. Pounding at the keys a bit harder than necessary, he set his alarm for 11:59 PM and tossed the phone onto the table. After wondering for a moment if it would be weird if he climbed up next to Hinata, he decided to stay on the floor, head resting on his folded arms on the bed. Blinking sleepily, he watched Hinata’s shoulders rise and fall as he breathed slow and deep, already fast asleep. He looked so peaceful and angelic. Kageyama briefly considered taking a picture before realizing that would _definitely_ be weird, so he settled for burning the image into his mind as he drifted to sleep.

\---

                Right on time, Kageyama’s phone started buzzing and beeping at precisely 11:59. He groggily switched it off and turned back to the bed to shake Hinata awake.

                “Just a little longer…” Hinata muttered, mostly-asleep and looking decidedly less serene than he did when he first fell asleep. His hair was sticking up in even more crazy directions than usual, and his mouth hung open inelegantly. Again, Kageyama had to resist the urge to take a picture.

                “You have…” Stretching the sleep out of his limbs, Kageyama craned his neck around to look over his shoulder at the TV. “Thirty-seven seconds to get up.”

                Groaning, Hinata sat up and straightened out his disheveled shirt. “Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?”

                “You should have been more specific. Twenty-nine seconds.”

                He let out a long, whining sigh as he pushed himself off the bed and sank to the floor next to Kageyama. “It’s all wrong now. I’m too sleepy.”

                “Too sleepy for what? Sixteen seconds.”

                “You’re not very good with holiday traditions, are you?” Hinata quipped, draping an arm around Kageyama’s neck and situating himself so he was practically sitting on his lap.

                The light switched on in Kageyama’s head just as the final countdown started. He flushed, realizing what was about to happen. “Oh.”

                “’Oh’,” Hinata mimicked, raising his eyebrows. He bit his lower lip in anticipation as Kageyama wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him in closer.

                It was actually happening. For real this time. No rejection, no getting pushed away.

                Kageyama struggled to control his breathing, but there was nothing he could do about his erratic heartbeat. As he closed his eyes and Hinata’s fingers traced over his neck and through his hair, he thought he might overload and pass out.

                He barely had time to register the show ringing in midnight before Hinata’s lips were on his, tentative and soft. Every drop of attention he had was focused securely on how Hinata felt against him and the heat radiating between them.

                It was over too soon. Hinata pulled away too quickly, leaving Kageyama wanting and cold.

                “Happy new year,” Hinata purred.

                Kageyama licked his lips, the foreign, salty-sweet taste awaking something in the pit of his stomach.

                _More_.

                He urgently pulled Hinata back for another kiss, harder this time. Taken by surprise, Hinata squeaked and tensed up, but quickly relaxed and pushed back against Kageyama’s lips, matching his fervor perfectly. One kiss turned into two, then three, then too many to count as the two melded into each other, grasping at hair and cloth and skin. The only sound Kageyama could hear over the sound of his own heart beating was Hinata’s increasingly short and heavy breaths spurring him on. He broke away from Hinata’s mouth to plant a trail of kisses along his jaw and down his neck, savoring every shudder that he offered.

                “Whoa,” Hinata panted, prying himself away with just enough force to detach Kageyama from his neck. “I think that’s enough for now.”

                _No. More._ “Okay.”

                Trying to catch his breath, Hinata ran a hand through his hair and pulled farther away. “Shit, we should have done that ages ago.”

                “As you might recall, _I fucking tried_ , but you-“

                “Shhhhhhh, that’s all in the past.” Hinata pushed himself to his feet, giving Kageyama a condescending pat on the head. Kageyama just glared up at him. “Now, I need to go cool off, and you – “ He ruffled Kageyama’s hair, earning himself another scowl. “ – need to sleep.”

                Kageyama stood up and blocked Hinata’s path to the door. “Stay with me.”

                “I can’t,” Hinata sighed. “Like I said, I’ll never want to leave.”

                “Then don’t.”

                Bouncing up onto his tiptoes, Hinata gave Kageyama a quick peck on the cheek. “I have to. Please understand.”

                With a reluctant sigh, Kageyama stepped out of the way to let Hinata through. “You’re coming back, right?”

                “Of course!” Hinata hopped over to the doorway, grabbing his coat and stepping into his shoes. “I’ll see you again tomorrow… Today...? Later. I’ll see you later.”

                “Don’t think too hard, you might break something,” Kageyama teased with a smirk.

                “How about you stop being an asshole and kiss me goodbye.”

                Not needing any convincing, Kageyama leaned over and swiftly placed a kiss on Hinata’s forehead. “That okay?”

                Hinata shrugged, grinning. “It’ll do for now.” He swung the door open and jumped outside, disappearing down the walkway with a smile and a wave.

                A rush of excitement overcame Kageyama as he shut and locked the door. An electrified shiver ran from his head to his toes as he darted back to his bed, not bothering to turn the lights off before lying down and burying his face in his pillow. Hinata’s lingering scent filled his senses and lulled him into a quick and contented sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me so embarrassingly long to write this and it's not even good I'm so sorry (ノ﹏ヽ)

                If Kageyama had thought Hinata was affectionate before, it was nothing compared to how physical and clingy he was now. As soon as he walked through the door, he would invariably leap into Kageyama’s arms like an excited puppy, beaming radiantly. He would circle around Kageyama, enthusiastically babbling about what he wanted to do that day or what kind of food he wanted to make, all while running his hands over Kageyama’s shoulders, his arms, his back, his chest, wherever they could reach. Even when they ate, Hinata would entwine their legs together, and after they finished and started watching a show or playing a game or whatever they decided to do to pass the time, he would drape himself over Kageyama in some fashion, usually by just snuggling up closer and wrapping his arms around him, but occasionally by planting himself squarely in his lap. In the more quiet moments, Hinata’s hands would seem to gravitate towards whatever bits of skin Kageyama had exposed, be it his neck or his collarbone or his wrists or his hip peeking out from under his shirt as it inevitably became disheveled.

                In all honesty, Kageyama found the constant contact a bit unsettling at first, though he was quickly growing accustomed to it. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it, he just needed time to adjust. He would reciprocate as much as he could, though his touches were farther between and much more cautious, fleeting brushes over skin and through hair. Hinata always seemed to light up even more with each bit of contact like this.

                And the kisses. So many kisses. There were “hello” kisses, “goodbye” kisses, “thank you” kisses, “you just did something cute” kisses, “you just did something stupid” kisses, “shut up” kisses, “pay attention to me” kisses, “just because” kisses. They fluctuated quickly and wildly in length and depth and intensity, but every single one sent a shock through Kageyama’s body, filling him with a tingling heat, and tearing himself away was like trying to escape the pull of a black hole.

                But all of that stopped the moment they set foot outside.

                Kageyama gazed fondly at Hinata, who was walking beside him a safe distance away and talking animatedly, his hands a blur of motion and his breath bursting out in quick puffs of white into the frigid winter air.

                “-and then as soon as I heard it I whipped around, and this _monumental asshole_ had locked me in as some kind of joke, like I could hear him laughing away on the other side of the door. I was freaking out and wondering if I could break the door down, but I mean you’ve seen the doors on those freezers, right? They’re like… hey, are you listening?”

                Caught off-guard, Kageyama snapped to attention, sharpening his expression. “Yep.”

                Hinata shot Kageyama a dubious look. “Really? You were looking at me all glazed out. You doing okay?”

                “I’m fine.” Kageyama responded, raising an eyebrow at Hinata’s strange choice of words. “Keep talking.”

                “We can go back if you want.” Concern spread across Hinata’s face as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t want to keep you out too long if you’re not really feeling up to it.”

                “I told you, I’m fine,” Kageyama repeated, and he really was. No lightheadedness or nausea, and the prickling discomfort that always came from being out and about had faded into the background. He pulled his scarf up to cover his mouth. “I was just thinking.”

                “About what?” Hinata asked, perking up curiously.

                Kageyama wasn’t sure how to reply.

                _I like the way your hands move when you talk. I like watching you get wound up and excited over every little thing. I like all the dumb expressions you make and I could sit and watch you for hours and days and weeks and never get tired of it._

                “Hello? Kageyama? Come in, Kageyama.” Hinata was waving a hand in front of Kageyama’s face, drawing him blinkingly back to reality. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

                Kageyama pushed Hinata’s hand out of his line of sight, prolonging the contact a bit more than was really necessary. “I’m sure.”

                “If you sa- _Jesus!”_

                They both jumped backwards as a tiny Pomeranian lunged at them, growling and yapping and baring its teeth and struggling against the leash attaching it to a pole outside one of the shops on the street.

                “The fuck is this thing’s problem?” Kageyama mumbled, catching his breath and scowling down at the dog.

                Hurriedly, Hinata pushed Kageyama forward. When had he hidden behind him? “Just go around.”

                As they stepped cautiously around the gnashing furball, Kageyama noticed it was looking straight at Hinata the whole time. He didn’t say anything about it until they were far enough away that the barking had faded.

                “Do dogs not like you or something?”

                Hinata sighed. “I guess not anymore. Same thing happened once before around when I first came here, at the convenience store.” Kicking at the ground as he walked, he sighed again. “It sucks. I always liked dogs…”

                Seeing Hinata’s dejected expression, Kageyama mentally flailed, grasping for anything to get him smiling again. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure they hate me too.”

                Humming thoughtfully, Hinata stared long and hard at Kageyama. “Probably because you glare at them.”

                “No I don’t, I just look at them normally,” Kageyama objected.

                “Yeah, and for you, ‘normally’ is glaring.”

                Unable to come up with a retort, Kageyama just glared at Hinata, who grinned back at him.

                “See?” Hinata jokingly nudged Kageyama’s arm with his elbow.

                “Shut up. Dumbass.” Muttering half-heartedly into his scarf, Kageyama turned his attention forward as they rounded the corner and arrived at their destination, a small park just a few minutes’ walk from the apartment.

                Seeing as it was both the middle of the day on a weekday and bitterly cold, there were very few others wandering around the park. Aside from a jogger, a kid riding a skateboard ( _Is he skipping school?_ ), and a middle-aged woman who was weirdly fixated on an empty birdfeeder, the pair didn’t encounter anyone as they followed the winding path past frozen grasses and barren trees. As they neared a deserted playground, Hinata nearly started vibrating, and his eyes grew wide and bright. Kageyama pretended not to notice Hinata excitedly looking between him and the swings and continued forward, acting like he was going to pass by. He stopped and turned when he felt a rough tugging on his sleeve. Hinata was positively bouncing, biting his lip as he continued directing deliberate glances at the playground.

                “How old are you, again?” Kageyama sighed, trying to keep a straight face. It really was fun watching Hinata get so worked up about everything.

                “I’m an adult and I do what I want. Swing with me.” Giving no time for protest, Hinata grabbed Kageyama by the wrist and dragged him off the path and to the swing set, forcing him down onto one of the swings before taking his own place on the adjacent one. Kageyama sat still and watched as Hinata pulled back and then propelled himself forward, throwing his head back and laughing as the wind swept through his hair. As childish as it was, it was a strangely beautiful sight, and one that Kageyama intended to commit to long-term memory.

                “Man, I haven’t been able to do this since Natsu got ‘too old’ for it.”

                Kageyama tilted his head at Hinata as he swung by. “Natsu?”

                “Have I not talked about her with you?” Dragging his feet on the gravel to slow himself down, Hinata turned his attention to Kageyama. “She’s my little sister… Or, she _was_? I mean, I guess she still is…”

                “What’s she like?” Kageyama inquired, suddenly aware of how little he knew about Hinata’s former life.

                Hinata’s entire face lit up as he launched into an animated rant. “She’s SUPER adorable, kind of a tomboy, and we look a lot alike.” _So the adorable part is probably accurate…_ “There’s almost a decade between us, so I really got to see her grow up. She hit that rebellious age a while ago, where it’s not cool to hang out with your brother anymore, you know? But when she was little she always wanted to play and would follow me around everywhere and if she got scared at night she’d sneak into my futon and…”

                He suddenly stopped, looking at the ground and voice failing as his swinging heavily slowed, almost to a halt.

                Softly, Kageyama pried further. “Do you miss her?”

                “Of course I do.” Hinata glanced quickly over at Kageyama before returning his gaze downward. He sniffed once and ran the end of his sleeve over his nose. “I… I tried to go see her. And my mom. Wound up back at your place, though.”

                At a complete loss for words, Kageyama followed Hinata with his eyes as he resumed swinging. He had been isolated for so long and gotten so used to it that he hadn’t even considered what it was like for Hinata to suddenly be cut off from his life and everyone in it. A seed of hard guilt dropped in his stomach. “Who else?”

                “Huh?”

                “Who else do you miss? Tell me about them.”

                “Why?”

                “I want to know.” _What were you like before? Who did you surround yourself with? Do you hate it here?_ “Any more family?”

                “Not really.” Hinata answered, pointedly not looking at Kageyama.

                “Friends?”

                “Lots!” Half-smiling, Hinata shot Kageyama a hasty glance. The seed in Kageyama’s abdomen started sprouting. He could easily imagine Hinata in crowds and at parties, chatting away with anyone and everyone, smiling and laughing and drawing everyone in. “Can’t say many were that close, though. I think people got tired of being around me for too long.”

                Kageyama scowled. That didn’t sound right. “Who would get tired of you?”

                “Awww, you’re so sweet,” Hinata laughed, digging his heels into the ground and stumbling forward off the swing. He wheeled around to face Kageyama. “Not everyone’s like you, though.”

                “What’s that supposed to mean?” Kageyama glared sharply at Hinata, following him with his eyes as he walked around behind him. When Hinata placed his hands on his shoulders, Kageyama had to tilt his head back to keep glowering up at him.

                “You’re kind of needy.”

                “I don’t wanna hear that from you!” Kageyama spat. Hinata just snickered and pushed him forward.

                While Hinata’s intention had most likely been to get Kageyama swinging, that is decidedly not what happened. Instead, Kageyama tilted off-balance, falling forward and down, and face-planted into the gravel.

                A tense moment passed with Kageyama remaining perfectly still, taking time to register the cold, hard ground that was currently in pressing up against his face.

                “Hinata…” he growled, low and menacing, spitting out the pebbles that had found their way into his mouth. Over the sound of shifting rock as he pushed himself up, he could hear Hinata letting out an odd panicked sound behind him. He slowly turned his head, hitting Hinata with his deadliest, most heated glare. Hinata stood exactly where he was before, behind the still-moving swing, hands over his mouth, eyes wide, and shoulders shaking.

                “Shit, I swear I didn’t mean to!” Hinata’s voice wavered as he spoke. He was clearly trying his hardest not to burst out laughing.

                “Hinata!” Without warning, Kageyama roared and scrambled to his feet, collecting two fistfuls of gravel on his way off the ground. Hinata let out a strangled half-yelp, half-laugh as he scuttled away, throwing his arms in front of his face to block the rain of pebbles Kageyama was aiming at him. “Get back here, dumbass!”

                “Nooooo!” Hinata cried out as Kageyama chased him towards the jungle gym. He tried to climb up to safety, but Kageyama had already caught up to him, grabbing him by the hem of his jacket and pulling him mercilessly downward.

                Unfortunately, Kageyama had miscalculated the angle and ended up pulling Hinata directly towards him, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

                Screwing his eyes shut, Kageyama braced himself for his reunion with the cold gravel. He let out a small “oof” the moment he hit the ground, hearing Hinata land loudly next to him. Keeping his eyes closed, he pulled his arm back and violently jabbed his elbow vaguely in the direction of Hinata’s presence, earning him a sharp “ow!” as he felt it connect. Hinata’s laughter resounded and echoed through the park as Kageyama finally opened his eyes to watch him roll onto his back, clutching his stomach with tears in his eyes.

                Hinata really did have the most wonderful laugh, and the most incredible smile. The way he could light up even the darkest of days with nothing more than his face and voice left Kageyama reeling in his wake. How could he smile like that after everything that happened to him? Through everything that’s still happening to him?

                _Did he smile like that the day he died?_

                Gradually reigning in his laughter and wiping his tears away with his fingertips, Hinata looked lazily over at Kageyama. “What’s that look for?” he asked, punctuated by a short laugh he couldn’t contain.

                “What look?”

                “You’re all serious!” A moment later, the grin fell off Hinata’s face, and he hurriedly pushed himself up to sit on his knees. “Wait, shit, are you actually mad at me? I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean for you to fall!”

                “Of course not,” Kageyama grunted as he rose to a sitting position. “Just thinking.”

                “Twice in one day?”

                Kageyama feinted a lunge, smirking despite himself. Reflexively, Hinata squeaked and jumped backwards, nearly toppling over as he tried to stand. As soon as he realized he wasn’t being pursued, he let out a relieved sigh and stumbled over to Kageyama, hand extended like an offering.

                “Really though, what’s up?”

                Wordlessly, Kageyama grabbed onto Hinata’s hand and hoisted himself up. As he dusted himself off, Hinata kept staring at him curiously, leaning all of his weight to one side and shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m not a mind reader, Kageyama. I don’t know what you’re thinking unless you tell me.”

                “Are you happy?”

                “Of course! See?” Without missing a beat, Hinata smiled wide and pointed at his mouth.

                “That’s not what I meant.” Kageyama frowned, unsure of how to proceed.

                “I want oden,” Hinata suddenly announced, as if he hadn’t heard Kageyama speak. “Let’s get oden on our way back.”

                “Hinata…”

                “Oden!”

                Sighing, Kageyama resigned himself to being dragged back towards home with no answer.

\---

                “Kageyama.” Hinata snuggled up next to Kageyama, resting his head on his arm. The two were seated on the floor, convenience store cups in hand and legs tangled together, as usual. “Hey, Kageyama.”

                “What?” Not trusting Hinata’s tone, Kageyama glanced at him warily.

                Grinning mischievously, Hinata peered blatantly into Kageyama’s cup of oden. “Gimme your egg.”

                “No.”

                “Half?”

                “No!”

                “C’mon, don’t be so stingy!”

                “Don’t you have your own?”

                “I ate it already.”

                “Then why do you need mine?!”

                “I want another one.”

                “You should have gotten two, then.”

                “Kageyamaaaaaaa.”

                “Would it get you to shut up?”

                “…Maybe.”

                “Fine.” Releasing a defeated sigh, Kageyama deftly cut his boiled egg in half with his chopsticks and transferred it to an eagerly awaiting Hinata’s cup, snatching a chunk of fried tofu for himself in the process.

                Hinata looked absolutely offended. “ _How dare you_.”

                “You didn’t think you were getting it for free, did you?” Kageyama deadpanned, shoving the tofu in his mouth without breaking eye contact.

                “Kageyamaaaa,” Hinata pouted.

                Kageyama had to struggle to keep himself from laughing. “Oh my god, do you ever stop whining?”

                “I’m thirsty.”

                “I’m sure you are,” Kageyama muttered under his breath just loud enough for Hinata to hear. After glaring at him for a few seconds, Hinata smacked him in the back of the head, nearly causing him to spill the broth in his cup. Kageyama swung around to shoot Hinata an irritated look. “What the hell?!”

                “Get me some water,” Hinata demanded.

                “Get it yourself.”

                “I don’t wanna move, I’m comfy like this!”

                Kageyama stared at him blankly. “…You know that you’ll still have to move if I get up, right?”

                “Well yeah, but I won’t have to move _as much._ ”

                Exaggeratedly rolling his eyes and sighing, Kageyama disentangled his limbs from Hinata’s and stood up, placing his cup on the table in front of him. He took a few steps towards the kitchen before he caught the look Hinata was giving him. Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, Kageyama backtracked and picked his cup back up and ate the other half of his egg before setting it back down and continuing on.

                Hinata whispered a barely-audible “dammit” as Kageyama disappeared into the kitchen. No longer being watched, Kageyama allowed himself a reserved smile while filling up a clean glass with tap water. He made sure to harden his face into a scowl before returning back to where Hinata was lying sprawled out on his back the floor looking up at him, innocent and wide-eyed.

                “…What did you do?” Kageyama questioned accusingly.

                “Nothing! Why are you so mean to me?” Flailing limply on the floor, Hinata made a grand show of being upset.

                “Because you let me.” Kageyama circled around the table and nudged Hinata’s leg with his foot. “Move.”

                Hinata groaned and sat up, and Kageyama handed him his glass of water as he lowered himself back onto the ground. After taking a single gulp, Hinata placed the glass on the table and flopped back down on his back, stretching his legs out over Kageyama’s lap. Kageyama furrowed his brows distrustfully and reached for his cup of oden, glaring harder as he examined its contents.

                “…Where’s my tofu pouch?”

                “It’s a mystery.” Hinata carefully avoided eye contact as he shifted around in place.

                Silently fuming, Kageyama snatched Hinata’s cup off the table to collect some compensation, only to find it was already empty. Oblivious to the rustling sounds coming from next to him, he rounded on Hinata, ready to attack. “You little shi- what are you doing?”

                Like a deer in headlights, Hinata froze to perfect stillness with his arm reaching out under the bed. “Um… definitely not snooping around.”

                Kageyama raised an eyebrow. He never made a habit of storing or hiding anything under his bed, so he wasn’t too concerned. “There’s nothing under there.”

                “Yes there is!” Hinata objected, abandoning all pretenses and straining to reach further underneath. “There’s totally a box, I can see it.”

                _Box?_

                “Got it!” Exclaiming triumphantly, Hinata tugged a moderately-sized cardboard box out of hiding with a smooth sliding sound. He scrambled to prop kneel next to it, nearly kneeing Kageyama’s stomach in the process.

                “Watch it!”

                Hinata grinned apologetically at Kageyama before turning his attention back to the box, wiggling in anticipation. “So what’s in here? Something fun?”

                “Honestly, I have no idea.” Kageyama didn’t recall putting it there, so he was just as curious about it as Hinata. Whatever it was, it must have been under the bed for a while. He scooted closer for a better look.

                “Oh!... Oh…” Hinata’s face lit up, then abruptly fell as he folded the top flaps of the box open and peeked inside. He glanced worriedly up at Kageyama a couple of times, careful to keep whatever the contents were blocked from view. Hurriedly, he closed the top back up and started pushing it under the bed again . “Um, I’ll put it back.”

                “What is it?” Kageyama reached over and diverted the box towards him, ignoring Hinata’s floundering protests. “Oh…”

                Packed neatly and securely inside was a stack of old yearbooks. Judging by the graceful lettering along their spines, they ranged from elementary school all the way through the first year of high school, not a single one missing. Barely conscious of his own movements, Kageyama gingerly brushed off a few specks of dust that had settled on one of the middle school books. He didn’t remember putting these here, and he didn’t remember what was printed inside them. While his initial instinct was to discard them and never, ever think about them again, he also felt a bizarre, luring need to look through them.

                “Pick a year.” His voice echoed distantly in his own head.

                Hinata’s jaw dropped. “What?”

                “Let’s go through them. Where do you want to start?” Kageyama blankly stood up, lifting the box up along with him and placing it softly on top of the bed.

                Quivering lightly, Hinata stumbled to his feet and pulled out a book from one of the ends of the set – the very first of the elementary years. “No better place to start than the beginning, right?” Although he was clearly trying to hold back, Kageyama could tell how eager Hinata was to take a look. He held the yearbook out in offering to Kageyama, urging him to take it.

                Kageyama shook his head as he sat down on the bed, slouching back against the wall. “You do it.”

                “You sure you want look at these?” Hinata asked quietly. He carefully climbed onto the bed and situated himself between Kageyama’s legs, back flat against his chest.

                Taking a deep breath in and out, Kageyama folded himself around Hinata, enclosing him in a jumbled cage of limbs. “No.”

                “Then let’s just-“

                “Open it.”

                Hinata hesitated. Nervously, he shifted in place, rearranging himself so that they could both see comfortably. The room was filled with the sound of the book’s spine crackling as Hinata flipped open to a random page near the front.

                There was no reaction. All of the faces were so young, and the vast majority of them were completely unfamiliar.

                “Which class were you in?” Hinata inquired, twisting his neck around to look up expectantly at Kageyama.

                “I don’t remember.”

                Humming quietly, Hinata quickly flipped through the first-years’ pages, scanning each one briefly before moving on to the next.

                Suddenly, he released a piercing, dramatic gasp. “Oh my god, you’re so tiny! Look at you!” Hinata wasn’t even trying to hide his excitement at this point. He eagerly turned his head back and forth to alternate between looking at the child Kageyama printed on the page and the present-day Kageyama wrapped around him, glowing down at the monochrome pictures. “You were so cute! So little! So _soft!_ ”

                “Soft?” Kageyama raised an eyebrow as he looked down to where Hinata was pointing on the page. His younger self smiled up at him from a sea of unfamiliar faces. Smiled. He supposed he was kind of cute…

                “You know, not so…” Lifting his hand to trace his fingers over Kageyama’s jawline, Hinata appeared to be deep in thought as he gave Kageyama a once-over. “…pointy.”

                “Pointy??”

                “Next one!” Hinata abruptly slammed the yearbook shut and flung it to the far side of the bed.

                “You’re done already?” Kageyama asked incredulously, reaching over to blindly grab for the next year while trying not to disturb Hinata’s position.

                “Well yeah, I don’t give a shit about anyone else.” Kicking his legs and bouncing with excitement, Hinata stretched his hands out for the next book as soon as Kageyama pulled it out of the box. “Gimme!”

                Kageyama let a small, quiet laugh escape through his nose as he placed the book in Hinata’s waiting hands. When he considered the possibility of seeing pictures of Hinata as an elementary-schooler, he could understand why he would get so ridiculously worked up. It didn’t take long for Hinata to locate Kageyama a second time.

                “Yeeeee, slightly less tiny Kageyama!” Barely able to contain himself, Hinata was practically vibrating as he locked onto his new target. “Still super soft, though. Next!”

                They continued through the yearbooks at lightning speed, pausing momentarily in elementary year five for Hinata to note that Kageyama had started to get “pointy.” As they shot through middle school, a growing unease started to writhe in the pit of Kageyama’s stomach. Though he tried not to, he recognized several of the awkwardly maturing faces. No memories of them, good or bad, immediately sprang to mind, but looking at them certainly didn’t feel pleasant.

                After the third and final year, Hinata made to crawl away to gather up the books he had unceremoniously scattered all over the bed.

                “Well, that was fun! Time to put them away,” he chirped, deliberately not looking at Kageyama as he grabbed for the nearest volume.

                Wordlessly, Kageyama pulled Hinata back into his lap and held onto him firmly with one arm, reaching shakily with the other for the last book in the box and pushing it into Hinata’s hands.

                This was it.

                High school.

                First year.

                “Kageyama, don’t.” Hinata pleaded. “You don’t have to.”

                “It’s fine,” Kageyama whispered hoarsely. He bobbed his head down to place a kiss on the base of Hinata’s neck and inhaled deeply. _Hinata is here. Nothing will happen. I’m fine._ “I’m fine.”

                Hinata held the book respectfully in his hands, tentatively running his fingers over the cover. “You shouldn’t push yourself too far.”

                “I said I’m fine.” Suddenly impatient for some reason he couldn’t comprehend, Kageyama took hold of the front cover and pulled it back. Hinata quickly forced it closed again.

                “What if I don’t want to look at it?” Turning his body as far as he comfortably could, he looked up concernedly at Kageyama.

                Kageyama knew better. “You do, though.”

                “…Yeah. I do.” Hinata turned back to focus on the yearbook in his hands, a complicated expression on his face. “Do you remember which class you were in?”

                “Three,” Kageyama responded without thinking. He didn’t know he remembered that. He didn’t know a lot of things. He wasn’t sure he knew anything. His mind was foggy.

                “Three...” Taking a deep breath, Hinata repeated. “Grade one, class three.” He gave Kageyama a light smile. “I bet you’re cute in your uniform.”

                “Take a look and find out.” Blankly, Kageyama planted another kiss behind Hinata’s ear.

                Hinata carefully opened the front cover, and flipped both quickly and reluctantly to the appropriate page. He identified Kageyama immediately and softly ran a fingertip over his adolescent, barely scowling face.

                “It does suit you.” Hinata said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

                But Kageyama wasn’t looking at himself. His eyes were locked unblinkingly on a certain other student.

                Him. Exactly how Kageyama remembered him. Or didn’t remember him. Except he was flat. He wasn’t moving. He couldn’t do anything. Nothing was happening.

                In similar response, Kageyama didn’t feel much of anything. No shortness of breath, no palpitations, no blackness, no rush of memories. Just an extraordinary amount of nothing. He had been so sure that there would be some sort of reaction inside him, some horribly painful flashback. He didn’t quite know what to do with himself now that there wasn’t. He glanced at the other faces on the page.

                He recognized them. He knew what they did. But still, nothing.

                Kageyama let out a heavy breath. They were just pictures, after all. Nothing to get nervous about.

                The uniformed students all disappeared at once as Hinata snapped the book shut. “That’s enough of that.” In one swift motion, he wheeled around and rose to his knees to face Kageyama. “How are you doing?”

                “Fine,” Kageyama answered truthfully, though he was sure Hinata wouldn’t believe him.

                Hinata gave a suspicious “hmmmm” as he examined Kageyama closely.

                First, he checked Kageyama’s pulse, holding two fingers firmly on his wrist. “Heart rate is normal. Kind of slow, actually.” Releasing the pressure from his hold, Hinata raised Kageyama’s wrist to his mouth to kiss the spot where his fingertips were a moment ago. Kageyama tried and failed miserably keep an impending smile at bay.

                Next came an eye check. Hinata drew close to Kageyama’s face, focused intently on his eyes. He shifted slightly from side to side, watching Kageyama watching him. Eventually he pulled back, apparently satisfied with what he had observed. “No abnormal pupil dilation or contraction. Movement and focus are both normal.” Kageyama’s chest swelled as he closed his eyes, allowing Hinata to kiss on top of each of his eyelids.

                The following test was decidedly more unorthodox. Hinata leaned in, placing his mouth right next to Kageyama’s ear and breathing audibly. Feeling his face flush, Kageyama felt that the temperature in the room seemed to have suddenly risen several degrees. Without warning, Hinata blew out a sharp breath right past Kageyama’s ear, causing him to shudder involuntarily. “Normal response to auditory stimulation.” Hinata’s smile shone bright through his whisper as he gave another kiss. The wet sound of Hinata’s lips against his ear sent a new sort of shiver down Kageyama’s spine.

                “How many more vital signs do you need to check?” Kageyama inquired, several layers of impatience embedded in his words.

                “A few.” Biting his lower lip, Hinata took a moment to rearrange himself so that he was straddling Kageyama’s waist and pinning him to the wall. “We can skip ahead to one of the fun ones if you’re feeling up to it.”

                “I think I can handle it,” Kageyama smirked, running his hands down Hinata’s sides to rest them on his hips.

                An instant later, their lips were locked in a heated kiss. Kageyama’s mind blanked as Hinata fervently pulled at his hair and pressed him hard against the wall, chest already heaving and free hand wandering assuredly.  He pushed back with desperate intensity, bringing Hinata’s body as close to him as physical space would allow. Kageyama slowly and deliberately travelled his hands across Hinata’s back, memorizing every bump and groove he could feel through his shirt along the way. As they frantically grasped and pulled at each other, temperatures quickly rising, Hinata quietly slipped his tongue into Kageyama’s mouth.

                That was all it took to coax a low, needy sound from deep in Kageyama’s throat. Hinata laughed softly, his breath hot on Kageyama’s lips, involuntarily breaking the kiss before diving back in full force. Kageyama’s mind completely short-circuited when faced with the slick, uneven sensation of Hinata’s tongue sliding against his. It was too much. It wasn’t enough. Barely aware of himself, Kageyama pulled at the hem of Hinata’s shirt, lifting it just enough to expose his stomach and the small of his back. The heat blaring off of his skin was so intense, Kageyama thought he might get burned.

                Hinata suddenly pulled away, a thin string of saliva stretching between them and breaking as the distance grew too far. He grabbed Kageyama’s hands, forcing them down and back onto his hips. “That’s not part of the test,” he said sternly through heavy breaths.

                Kageyama groaned, feeling more frustrated than he had thought possible. “Is it part of any of them?”

                “None that you’re ready for today.” Jokingly, Hinata ruffled Kageyama’s hair, earning him a hard glare and some incoherent mumbling. He grinned back. “By the way, all oral functions are normal, but a bit sloppy.”

                “You were the one slobbering all over me, dumbass!” Kageyama barked indignantly, fighting the blush he felt creeping onto his face.

                “Nope, that was all you.” As if to emphasize, Hinata shamelessly ran his tongue over his own reddened, swollen lips. Kageyama could barely restrain himself from slamming him down on the bed and climbing on top of him right then and there.

                Leaning back, Hinata lazily grabbed Kageyama’s high school year book up for where it lay abandoned on the bed next to them. Still struggling to hold himself back, Kageyama watched Hinata carefully as he flipped through the pages once more, a deeply interested glint in his scanning eyes.

                “You really didn’t have a problem looking at this?” Hinata asked curiously, keeping his eyes on the pages flicking by.

                Kageyama faltered, unsure what Hinata was expecting to get out of asking that. “Is that bad?”

                “Of course not.” Suddenly stopping to look more closely at a page somewhere in the middle, Hinata sighed. All of his previous ferventness draining away as his expression grew serious. “Can we talk about it?”

                “What is there to talk about?” Kageyama muttered defensively.

                Lightening up, Hinata reached over to drop the volume back in its box and settled back down on Kageyama’s lap. “How cute you looked in your uniform.”

                Suddenly self-conscious, Kageyama blushed and looked away. “Why are you so caught up on that?”

                “I wish I could have known you then.”

                Kageyama turned back to meet Hinata’s eyes. They were shimmering with a whole mess of emotions, no one of which could be easily separated out from the others.

                “I wish we could have met sooner.” Hinata tenderly reached out to brush Kageyama’s hair out of his eyes. Despite the more intimate contact they had shared a few moments ago, Kageyama felt his breath catch at the touch. “Before everything.”

                “There’s no point in thinking about that now…” Kageyama’s voice was dark and heavy, matching his rapidly changing mood.

                “I know, but it’s kind of nice to imagine.” Averting his gaze downwards, Hinata took hold of both of Kageyama’s hands in his and laced their fingers together. “Like… maybe I could have run into you one day while I was visiting the city. We’d be at the convenience store reading the same magazine or something, and we’d start talking and it would just go from there. And then we’d be somewhere totally different right now, and everything would be alright, and I could keep you.”

                Heart swelling and dropping, Kageyama forced his face into a scowl. “What am I, your pet?”

                “Kind of,” Hinata laughed. He shifted around, positioning himself so he could comfortably curl himself up against Kageyama’s chest. In turn, Kageyama wrapped his arms around the small body clinging to him, pulling him closer.

                Several minutes passed with the two doing little more than feeling each other’s presence and listening to each other’s breathing.

                Kageyama fidgeted with the back of Hinata’s shirt. “How much longer do we have?”

                Deep in thought, Hinata hummed for a second before responding. The vibrations spread comfortingly through Kageyama’s body. “I don’t know. I’ve gotten you out and about plenty, and you’ve gotten a lot better about… um…”

                “Not freaking out like a total weirdo?” Kageyama offered somewhat bitterly.

                “That’s… not how I’d word it.” Hinata tapped his fingers lightly on Kageyama’s clavicle as he looked up at him sympathetically. “But anyway, you’re doing really well already, so I don’t know when I’ll be done and have to...” His voice trailed off weakly mid-thought.

                Kageyama raised his hand to stroke Hinata’s hair in what he hoped was a calming motion, though he wasn’t sure if he was trying more to reassure Hinata or himself. “Do you think you’ll know before it happens?”

                “I hope so.”

                Holding on tighter to Hinata, Kageyama fought back the burning in his eyes. He didn’t like thinking about Hinata disappearing, and he especially didn’t like thinking about Hinata disappearing without saying goodbye.

                “Kageyama, you’re hurting me.” Hinata’s voice came muffled and strained from within Kageyama’s vice-like hold.

                “Sorry.” Kageyama lightened his grasp just enough to give Hinata room to breathe. “What if…”

                “Hm?”

                “What if I transferred to your school instead of dropping out?” He needed something, anything to take his mind off of the prospect of being left alone again.

                Hinata smiled warmly into Kageyama’s chest. “I’d like that. You could sit next to me and I’d let you copy my homework.”

                “So we’d both fail, then?” Kageyama joked, resting his head on top of Hinata’s.

                “You bet! And then we would take make-up classes together.”

                “And maybe we’d wind up at the same university.”

                “Assuming you could get in.”

                “If they accepted you, it shouldn’t be too hard.”

                Hinata lowered his head and pushed it back up without warning, head-butting Kageyama in the chin and laughing as Kageyama countered by smacking him upside the head. “That sounds nice. Let’s do that next time.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang, sorry about the delay on this chapter. This was a really hard one to write for like... 7 reasons. I hope it's worth the wait ;w;

                “Tilt your head down a bit.”

                Kageyama complied, allowing Hinata better access to the back of his neck. A slim line of cold metal pressed against his skin, and the sound of scissors snipping shut and open again echoed uncomfortably close. Swallowing quietly, Kageyama fidgeted with his bangs. They were so far up, out of his eyes and shorter than he normally cut them. And it had been so long since he had. It was weird having someone else do it.

                It had been Hinata’s idea to give Kageyama a haircut. “It’s either that or I take you to a stylist,” he had said. Kageyama had grimaced at the mere thought of having a stranger hovering around him so close for so long, so he allowed Hinata to drag him into the bathroom, but not without any protest. He had cut his own hair for as long as he’d been locked up in his apartment, so he saw no reason for Hinata to do it now. Once Hinata pointed out that he could get a better view from the back, Kageyama reluctantly resigned himself to his fate. He still wasn’t entirely sure he trusted Hinata with scissors, but so far there hadn’t been any issues; the front had turned out well enough, and not a single drop of blood had been spilled.

                “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Kageyama mumbled from his place seated on the bathroom floor.

                “It’s kind of late to be asking that now.” Hinata shifted on his knees and ran a hand through the hair on the back of Kageyama’s head once. Closing his eyes, Kageyama rocked his head forward to follow the touch. Maybe this wasn’t so bad.

                “How much more do you need to do?”

                Hinata hummed, still clipping away and making measurements with his fingers. “Just need to even the bottom out a bit, maybe take in the back a bit more… Oops.”

                “What did you do?” Kageyama growled. Trying to look behind him without turning his head, he strained his eyes up towards the mirror. All he could see in it was the slightest peek of orange from the top of Hinata’s head.

                “Nothing!” Hinata’s voice came out loud and high. “If I just… take this… and then…” His movements were hasty and imprecise as he worked away at the same spot continuously. “Uuhmmm! Maybe I should… Hang on, don’t move!”

                Unleashed an aggravated sigh, Kageyama pinched at the bridge of his nose. A few thumps came from outside the bathroom, followed by the sound of furious typing, then silence.

                _I knew I should have just done it myself…_

                After several minutes, Hinata came dashing back into the bathroom and lowered himself back down onto his knees behind Kageyama with a determined huff. “Okay, I can fix this! Thank god for the internet.”

                “You’re never allowed to touch my hair again after this.”

                “Don’t say that!” Hinata protested, genuinely distressed. “It’s so much fun to play with…”

                Kageyama scowled at the floor as Hinata started working his fingers through his hair once more. It was frustrating to Kageyama how easily his anger slipped away when Hinata touched him, even when it was in such an innocuous way.

                “All better!” Hinata announced victoriously after a few minutes of careful trimming. “You can’t even tell where I messed up anymore! Your hair is so cooperative, I’m jealous.”

                “I like your hair…” Kageyama felt his expression soften as he spoke, and he was silently grateful that Hinata couldn’t see how stupid and sappy he surely looked.

                “Whaaat? It’s a disaster, I can’t get it to do anything.” Still clipping away, Hinata made a disbelieving noise. “You just like it ‘cuz you don’t have to deal with it.”

                “Maybe…” _I like it because it’s yours._

                “Okay, just a bit more and I’m done, so hold still.”

                “Don’t fuck it up any more.”

                “I won’t, jeez!” Hinata huffed as he carried on with his cutting for another minute before placing the scissors next to the sink with a clatter. He forcefully brushed the clippings off of Kageyama’s shoulders and planted a quick kiss on the back of his now fully exposed neck. Warmth spread from the point of contact all the way to Kageyama’s fingertips. “All done. Get up.”

                Kageyama spread out his limbs in front of him, trying to loosen them up. After sitting there for almost an hour on the bare floor, he was feeling pretty sore. He could only imagine how much worse off Hinata must be from being on his knees virtually the whole time.

                _On his knees…_

                Suddenly hit with a completely different mental image of Hinata, Kageyama gulped audibly. This was not the time to be thinking about that. Actually, it was never the time to be thinking about that. He forced himself to focus as he rose to his feet, face reddening slightly as he watched Hinata stretch out of the corner of his eye.

                “So, what do you think?”

                “About what?” Kageyama responded a bit too quickly.

                “Your hair, stupid. How did I do?” Lightheartedly jabbing Kageyama with his elbow, Hinata looked up at him expectantly.

                Kageyama turned his attention to the mirror to see his reflection glowering clearly back at him. Honestly, he didn’t have much of an opinion on his own appearance, but Hinata was eagerly awaiting an answer.

                “It looks fine.” Considering it was Hinata’s first time doing this, he really had done a very neat job of it.

                “Just fine?”

                Kageyama sighed. How else was he supposed to describe it? “I look… normal.”

                “Good. Your human disguise is almost perfect now.” Hinata whirled around to lean back on the bathroom counter, grinning impishly.

                “All according to plan,” Kageyama played along. He took a step towards Hinata, reaching out a hand to place on his hip and pull him closer. “Thanks.”

                “No problem!” With a devious shimmer in his eye, Hinata leapt up to wrap his arms around Kageyama’s neck. His fingers immediately found their way back into Kageyama’s hair. “Can I give it a test run?”

                Kageyama hesitated, not entirely sure what was being asked of him, but Hinata didn’t wait for an answer. He swiftly pulled Kageyama down by the neck to join their mouths together, running his hands boldly through his hair all the while. It felt a bit different from how it normally did, and the mix of new and familiar sensations sent a thrilling shock through Kageyama’s chest. It didn’t take long for his breathing to turn fast and shallow and his consciousness to melt to the point of worthlessness, and before he knew it he found himself hoisting Hinata up onto the bathroom counter.

                Hinata yelped into Kageyama’s mouth as he disrupted the various items spread out on the counter, including the scissors he had set down earlier. Kageyama ignored them as they clattered to the floor, focusing instead on the wet, searing heat of Hinata’s mouth, Hinata’s legs wrapping around him, Hinata’s body pressed against his, Hinata’s breathing, Hinata tugging at his hair.

                Over time, Kageyama had realized that it would be best not to get carried away in their more intimate moments like this one. Although Hinata was usually the initiator, he would always pull away or stop before they got too involved, and Kageyama had absolutely no intention of forcing him to go any further than he wanted to. In the back of his mind, Kageyama found it strange that he was the one who seemed more eager to take things a step further, despite being so absolutely inexperienced. Or maybe it was _because_ he had no experience that he was so desperate for more. The thought made him horribly self-conscious, but not enough to keep his hands from roaming. No amount of reasoning or logic from within himself could stop him from seeking out more of the burning heat of Hinata’s skin.

                Today was different somehow. Today, Hinata didn’t stop when Kageyama made to slide a tentative hand up the front of his shirt. Instead, he released a needy whimper and balled his hand into a fist in Kageyama’s hair, pulling harder.

                Kageyama seriously thought he might lose his mind. The feeling of Hinata’s bare skin under his hand was going to drive him to madness. He slowly dragged his hand upwards, bringing Hinata’s shirt up with it.

                _Oh god…_

                Breaking away momentarily, Kageyama took a quick second, not nearly long enough, to enjoy the sight in front of him. Hinata’s hazy eyes. Hinata’s flushed face. Hinata biting his tongue. Hinata’s partially-exposed chest. Hinata’s stomach. His perfect, adorable stomach.

                Kageyama wanted to mess him up. His hands decided to push their luck with the button of Hinata’s pants.

                “Stop.”

                _There it is._

                On command, Kageyama froze, not even daring to breathe. He had barely even touched the fabric surrounding the metal button.

                “We need to sweep up.” Hinata let his legs fall to dangle limply off the counter, releasing Kageyama from their hold. Not that Kageyama wanted to be released. “There’s hair everywhere.”

                “Can’t it wait?” Kageyama growled, silently cursing himself for trying to go too far too fast. He moved his hands to the edge of the counter on either side of Hinata.

                “Yes, but I’d rather do it now,” Hinata answered. His hands were still all tangled in Kageyama’s hair. It was incredibly distracting.

                Reluctantly, Kageyama resigned and pulled away. Hinata’s hands lingered in their place until the very last moment, when they were finally forced to relocate by the growing distance. If Kageyama didn’t know better, he would have thought that Hinata looked just as disappointed at their parting as Kageyama felt.

                “Go get the dustpan, and I’ll, uh… straighten things up in here.” Suddenly looking everywhere except at Kageyama, Hinata pulled his shirt down and fiddled with its hem.

                Kageyama nodded wordlessly and stumbled out of the bathroom towards the entranceway closet. Unable to shake off the heat haze of his mind, he slammed the door directly into his face as he opened it, sending a shockwave out from his nose. He ran his hand under his nose to check for blood (there was none), then quickly glanced back towards the bathroom. Thankfully, Hinata hadn’t seen.

                Feeling more lucid from the impact, Kageyama grabbed a dustpan and brush from inside the closet and made his way back to the bathroom. Hinata had already reset the counter to its normal state, and was now staring off to the side with a hand over his mouth. He had a conflicted expression on his face – part sadness, part burning.

                “What’s up?”

                Hinata snapped instantly to attention as Kageyama interrupted whatever train of thought had been running through his mind. A smile emerged on his face, almost convincingly. “Nothing! I’ll get out of your way.”

                The two squeezed past each other as Hinata scurried out to hover in the doorway and Kageyama started working on the floor. There really was a ton of hair scattered about, more than Kageyama had thought needed to be taken off. He carefully collected most of it into a huge black mass and dumped it into the trash can before going back over the whole floor to get the stragglers. Hinata didn’t take his eyes off of him the whole time. Kageyama hoped he was enjoying the view, at least.

                “How do you feel about shopping?” Hinata suddenly asked. Taken off guard, Kageyama turned around to look up at him quizzically. “Like… for clothes.”

                “I hate it. Why?”

                “Oh…” Looking dejected, Hinata averted his gaze. “I thought maybe we could get you some new clothes to…” He made a vague gesture. “To complete your transformation, or whatever…”

                Kageyama silently returned his attention to his cleaning. He could feel Hinata’s expectation burning through him as he finished gathering up the last of the stray hairs. When he stood up and turned around, Hinata was looking hesitantly at him, almost pouting.

                How could he resist that face?

                “Let’s go then.”

\---

                As soon as Kageyama set foot in the store, he tried to turn around and leave. Hinata reflexively grabbed him by the back of his coat to stop him.

                “Nope, we’re already here. Too late to turn back.”

                “No it’s not,” Kageyama argued.

                Hinata dragged Kageyama backwards into the hellish fabricscape. “Seriously, it’s just a normal clothes shop. What’s so bad about it?”

                “Everything!” Shaking himself free and whipping around to walk beside Hinata, Kageyama darted his eyes over his surroundings.

                He had never liked stores like these, and not having set foot in one for over half a decade made all the things he hated about them stand out even more than he remembered. The sickeningly sweet chemical smell hanging in clouds in the air, the obnoxious music playing just loudly and just quietly enough to get under his skin, the dead smiles of the models in the advertisements, the disproportioned, faceless mannequins, the vomitous slurry of clashing colors and patterns under not-quite natural light, the _people_ all walking around and picking things up and looking at them like they knew what they were doing.

                Not even a minute in and it was all already blurring together. Kageyama was quickly overcome by an all too recognizable floating sensation as his head started spinning out of control.

                “Hinata…”

                Calmly and authoritatively, Hinata grasped Kageyama’s wrist and led him to the closest place he could find to a secluded corner. Kageyama could feel something horrible and panicking bubbling up from the back of his throat into his eyes.

                “I want to leave.” His voice came out surreally tranquil.

                “Look at me.”

                He couldn’t. There was too much else going on, too much to take in. His eyes flashed from one spot to the next with no time for recognition or recovery.

                “Kageyama, look at me.”

                “Let me go. I want to leave.”

                “We’re not going anywhere until you look at me.”

                Kageyama clenched his eyes shut before they had a chance to explode.

                A soft sigh came from Hinata’s direction. “At least listen to me, then. There’s nothing to be afraid of here. Even if there was, I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. I’m here and you’re going to be fine. Okay?”

                Kageyama nodded.

                “Are you breathing?”

                He nodded again.

                “Can you open your eyes for me?”

                “I don’t want to.”

                “Is… Is it really that bad?”

                Another nod.

                “…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you here.”

                Kageyama’s eyes snapped open in immediate response. The regretful tone in Hinata’s voice perfectly matched the expression on his face – gaze cast downwards, biting his lip. The serene introspection emanating from him drowned out all the noise and background radiation. This wasn’t right. He never looked like that.

                It took a few tries, but Kageyama finally managed to regain control of his voice. “It’s not your fault.”

                “We can go. This was a stupid idea…” Hinata dropped Kageyama’s wrist. Had he been holding onto it the whole time?

                “I’m fine,” Kageyama lied.

                “No, we can come back when you’re ready. Let’s just go home.”

                “I don’t want to.”

                “You just said you wanted to leave.”

                “I changed my mind.”

                Sighing again, Hinata examined Kageyama doubtfully. “Are you sure?”

                Kageyama wasn’t sure how he should answer. Under the influence of Hinata’s watchful gaze, he settled on honesty. “No.”

                Hinata laughed suddenly and unexpectedly, causing Kageyama to flinch. “Are you… trying to make me feel better?”

                Finding himself unable to answer, Kageyama just nodded again.

                Another laugh, dry and unamused, came from Hinata. “That’s…” He shook his head, lost for words. “You’re too much sometimes.”

                The words rang dark in Kageyama’s stomach as he shrank into himself.

                _He’s getting sick of you. He’s put up with your shit for too long._

                Hinata tilted his head to the side for a moment, looking confused, before realization dawned on his face. Flustered, he waved his hands around frantically. “No, I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just that you should be worrying about yourself, not me!”

                “I’d rather worry about you! It’s easier.” Even though he had never consciously thought so before, as soon as it came out of Kageyama’s mouth, he knew it was true.

                Mouth hanging slightly open and eyes wide, Hinata stuttered a few times before he could get any more words out. “W-well, whatever helps, I guess. If you’re feeling okay, we should move before we attract any more attention.”

                Kageyama’s hair stood on end as he glanced wildly around. Amidst the seemingly endless racks surrounding them, there were at least a couple of shoppers obviously pretending not to notice them. What did this look like from an outside perspective? How much of a freak did Kageyama come off as? He was like a child who didn’t know how to behave in public getting a stern talking-to from his mom. It was embarrassing. It was humiliating.

                “Nope, eyes on me.” Hinata drew Kageyama’s attention back, pulling him away from his thoughts. “Do you want to go home or stay and look around?”

                Trying to ignore the unwanted outside notice he was subjected to, Kageyama took a moment to make up his mind. He tried his best to sound decisive. “I don’t want to waste a trip.”

                “Alright. Let’s get you some properly-fitting pants.” Hinata smiled, and Kageyama weakly returned the gesture.

\---

                Mercifully, Hinata had a good eye for sizes and styles, allowing them to get done and ready to leave within an hour. Kageyama had felt significantly more secure once he got in one of the changing rooms, though he still didn’t like being left alone with so many mirrors. But Hinata had been so patient with him, running off to swap out items that didn’t fit quite right and giving his opinion when needed. All things considered, it was actually a fairly tolerable experience once Kageyama got past the general atmosphere of the place.

                Or at least it would have been if things didn’t take another turn for the uncomfortable when it came time to check out.

                “I can help the next person down here!”

                As they were beckoned to the next open cashier, Kageyama instinctively waited for Hinata to walk ahead of him and take over all the human interaction like he always did. Instead, Hinata pushed him forward and followed behind, giving a couple feet of distance.

                Panicked, Kageyama shot Hinata his best “What the hell?” glare.              

                Hinata responded with a wide-eyed nod in the direction of the register.

                “Did you find everything you were looking for?” the brightly smiling boy ( _How old is he? University student maybe?)_ behind the counter inquired.

                Kageyama’s voice utterly failed him. Unable to produce actual words, he mumbled out a strangled, high-pitched affirmative noise.

                The boy’s smile didn’t waver.

                It was unbearable.

                There was a moment of awkward silence before Kageyama remembered he was still holding onto the clothes he and Hinata had picked out. With a hurried “Oh,” he dropped them ungracefully on the counter. He looked back at Hinata, who gave him a wink and an encouraging thumbs-up.

                _I’ve got this. I can do this._

                It didn’t take long for the brown-haired cashier to ring everything up. Kageyama hadn’t gotten much, just a few basic items.

                “Your total is… eleven thousand, two hundred sixty-four yen.”

                Kageyama fumbled in his pants pocket for his wallet, regretting not having it pulled out and ready sooner. He had taken some cash out of his savings, so he knew he had enough, but he still felt incredibly uneasy counting out the bills and coins.

                _Should I try to find exact change, or would that take too long? Am I supposed to hand the money directly to him or put it on the counter? Is it weird that I’m paying in cash? Oh god I’m doing everything wrong this is a disaster._

                As he shakily pulled out enough to cover the total, a small cascade of coins tumbled out and clinked loudly to the floor. He screwed his eyes shut, each individual metallic clank driving his humiliation deeper into the pit of his stomach. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he apologized quietly to the floor as he bent down to start picking everything up. Hinata was already gathering up what he could and giving Kageyama a look somewhere between sympathetic and reassuring.

                _Do something!_

                “No worries, it happens all the time,” the cashier said lightly. Kageyama carefully avoided eye contact as he collected his coins from Hinata and the floor and stood upright. He was vaguely aware of Hinata taking a step back away from him, which was the exact opposite of what he needed right now. Centering himself and attempting to regain his composure, Kageyama delicately placed his money on the counter. _Just breathe, it’ll be over soon._

                The boy at the register smiled brightly at him as he picked up the cash, and Kageyama quickly looked away. He didn’t know if this guy was smiling because he was getting paid to or because he felt sorry for him, but he didn’t like either option.

                Kageyama looked back desperately at Hinata, hoping for something at least remotely helpful. Instead, he found Hinata with a very stern, nearly angry look on his face.

                _Yep._

_I fucked everything up._

                _Get me out of here._

                “Here’s your change. Receipt in the bag okay?”

                Kageyama whipped back around to face the cashier, but promptly averted his eyes again. “That’s fine,” he barely croaked out. He clumsily grabbed the bag in front of him and accepted his change, shoving it directly in his pocket to avoid any hassle. Almost forgetting to say “Thanks,” he scampered away from the counter towards the door with Hinata trailing behind him.

                As the cold air from outside hit his face and his shoes connected with concrete, a rush of chilled realization swept over him. He had just talked to someone without having a major episode. A person. Outside. A person who wasn’t Hinata. Speaking of Hinata…

                Even after a moment outside, Hinata had yet to say a single word about what just happened. He stood still next to Kageyama with a sour expression, which he occasionally directed back into the store. A hideous slew of emotions welled up in Kageyama’s throat as he started walking back the way they came. Hinata followed close behind, still silent. This wasn’t right. Why wasn’t Hinata leading? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he so mad? _What did I do? What didn’t I do?_

                Of all the emotions smoldering in Kageyama’s chest, there was one that burned hotter than the rest. Keeping his steady pace forward, he turned back to glare menacingly at Hinata. “What the _hell_ was that?!”

                “What was what?” Hinata snapped back.

                “ _That.”_

                “What, the thing where you grew as a person and a member of society and all that other crap I’m supposed to be helping you with?” Kageyama flinched at the unfamiliar harsh tone of Hinata’s voice. “You should be thankful.”

                “Thankful?! For you throwing me headfirst into that without any warning or time to prepare or anything?”

                “What was I supposed to do? If I always waited for you to be ready, you’d still have me locked outside of your apartment!”

                “You could have at least said something!”

                “I knew you could handle it though, and you did, so what’s the problem?” Hinata bitterly looked down at his feet.

                “Why are you angry at me?”

                “I’m not!” They were practically screaming at each other, and Kageyama became painfully aware of the fact that people on the street were starting to stare. Lamenting the lack of a scarf to cover his face with, he settled for fixing his eyes on the ground and pretending he didn’t exist. Hinata didn’t try to talk to him any further, though he exhaled loudly and aggressively every once in a while.

\---

                The pair stepped through the door way to Kageyama’s apartment in silence. Although both of them had more or less calmed down, there was still an air of unpleasantness surrounding them. Kageyama had no desire to abandon his bitterness, so it was Hinata who finally spoke as Kageyama hung up his coat.

                “Good job today.” Hinata’s voice was hollow.

                “Thanks,” Kageyama responded with equal enthusiasm.

                There was a long, tense pause as Hinata kicked off his shoes.

                “I’m really not mad at you.” A hint of sincerity broke through Hinata’s tone.

                “That’s nice.”

                “Kageyama, please.” As he dropped his bag of clothes on the floor, Kageyama shot a quick glance at Hinata. His eyebrows were scrunched and mouth turned down into a subtle frown, though whether it was from concern or irritation, Kageyama wasn’t sure. “I’m sorry, okay? I should’ve… I should’ve done things differently.”

                Kageyama blinked. He hadn’t been expecting an apology, and now that he had it, he wasn’t sure what to do with it. “Okay.”

                “…’Okay’?”

                “Okay.” Kageyama repeated. He didn’t have the energy to say any more than that. It was done, it was over, and he didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to lie down and never talk to anyone again.

                “…Should I go?” Hinata asked, almost too softly to be heard.

                “Don’t be stupid.”

                Kageyama stepped up into the apartment, grabbing Hinata by the hand as he passed him. When he was suddenly dragged into the main room, Hinata let out a startled “Whoa!” and nearly tumbled to the floor. Kageyama paid no mind and continued on his way, stopping beside the bed to push Hinata down onto it with just enough force so as to not come off as too aggressive.

                Hinata’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “What are you doing?” he asked, more curious than anything as Kageyama started to climb onto the bed on top of him.

                “Recharging.” Kageyama rolled over Hinata and landed on the bed beside him with a _thwump_ , back against the wall and arms splayed haphazardly across Hinata’s chest.  Quickly repositioning himself, Kageyama pulled a willing Hinata flush against him and enclosed him in a tight embrace.

                Hinata exhaled dramatically while wrapping his arms around Kageyama in reciprocation. “You only keep me around to mooch off my exceptional battery life, don’t you?”

                “Of course not,” Kageyama objected. “I steal your warmth, too.”

                “Happy to be of service.” Smiling brightly, Hinata snuggled in closer to Kageyama’s chest. Kageyama felt a surge of comfortable heat wash over him. This was just what he needed – quiet, Hinata beside him. “Um, Kageyama?”

                “No more talking.”

                “But I-“

                “Shush.”

                “Kagey-oomf!”

                Kageyama pressed Hinata’s face hard against his chest, effectively smothering him. “I said no talking.”

                Hinata’s muffled voice vibrated through Kageyama’s torso as he flailed wildly and struggled to break free. Smirking and holding him firmly in place, Kageyama continuously “shhhh”-ed at him while gently stroking his hair. Finally, Hinata let out a loud huff and let his limbs fall limply over Kageyama. After a few long seconds of calm, Kageyama figured it was safe to relax his grip.

                He was wrong.

                As soon as he saw his chance, Hinata pushed himself away from Kageyama and swiftly grabbed the pillow out from under his head. “You’re the worst!” he laughed like a battle cry before swinging the pillow directly at Kageyama’s unsuspecting face.

                Kageyama barely managed to bring his hands up to block and send the pillow bouncing to the floor. He looked up to see Hinata hovering over him, one part smiling and two parts serious.

                “Can I say something now?”

                “Fine,” Kageyama relented, feeling more at ease than he had all day. He raised his arms up to shove his hands under his head in place of the pillow that was so viciously taken from him.

                “Okay, um.” Hinata started fidgeting with his hair as he glanced from side to side. “I’m really sorry.”

                After pausing for a moment, Kageyama repositioned himself so that he was propped up on his elbows. “You already said that.”

                “I know, but I feel like I just made everything worse. I shouldn’t have made you do that alone.”

                Kageyama blanked. He really didn’t know how to deal with such an earnest apology, and the look Hinata was giving him was too much to bear. “It’s fine.”

                “No it’s not. It was shitty of me to do that and don’t you _dare_ try to make me feel better when I’m trying to apologize.”

                “That’s not what I’m doing, dumbass, it’s really fine. I mean…” Kageyama grappled with his feelings and his words until he could find a suitable way to express them. “You’re always saying I need to stop depending on you, and you’re right, so it’s fine.” _Even if that’s not what I want…_

                Hinata turned his eyes away and took a slow, deep breath. It was too long before he finally responded, “It doesn’t feel fine.”

                “Well it is, so just drop it.”

                “But-“

                Losing his patience, Kageyama abruptly pulled Hinata down by the back of his neck and cut him off with a kiss. Hinata didn’t react at first, but once they parted, he rushed to join their lips together again.  His kisses were different from usual, Kageyama noticed. They were almost hesitant, as if Hinata wasn’t sure if it was okay to be giving them. As Kageyama let himself fall fully back onto the bed, bringing Hinata down on top of him, he gently embedded his hand in Hinata’s hair and tried to convey as much concern and affection as he could through touch. When Hinata gradually started to smile against his lips, Kageyama knew everything would be okay.

\---

                Through a thick, sleepy haze, Kageyama thought he heard someone call his name. It was muffled and distant, barely distinguishable at all. It felt so nice here, so warm, so light.

                “Kageyama, wake up.” Hinata’s voice broke through all the grogginess and pulled Kageyama back to the waking world. He squinted his eyes open to see Hinata staring intently at him from just inches away. As he lazily reached a hand up to cup Hinata’s cheek, Kageyama realized this was the first time he had woken up with Hinata in his arms, and thought that he should try to do it more often. Seeing Hinata’s shining face first thing was far better than waking up to even the most breathtaking sunrise.

                The wonder of the moment was ruined when Kageyama became aware of an aching pain in his neck. It was then that he realized his pillow was gone, presumably still on the floor where it was thrown. “How long was I out?”

                “I dunno, a couple hours? You’re cute when you’re sleeping.”

                Kageyama grunted and rolled onto his back, looking at the ceiling to avoid looking Hinata in the eye. “Were you watching me the whole time I was asleep?”

                “No, only most of it,” Hinata responded innocently.

                “Don’t do that. It’s creepy.” Feeling vaguely hypocritical, Kageyama rubbed at his eyes, both to purge the sleep from them and to try to hide how happy he was. “What did you wake me up for?”

                There was a pause as Hinata looked slowly from side to side, then directly back at Kageyama. There was something off about his expression. “Can I use your phone?”

                “Sure, it’s… somewhere,” Kageyama responded without thinking much of it.

                Hinata rolled off the bed with a mumbled “Thanks” and grabbed the phone off the dresser. After a moment of hesitation, he bent down to pick the pillow up from the floor and threw it halfheartedly at Kageyama. "Go back to sleep.”

                Shoving the pillow sleepily under his head, Kageyama immediately closed his eyes and started drifting off again without even bothering to shoot some snarky retort at Hinata. Even if Hinata wasn’t beside him anymore, his residual heat and scent were still there, luring Kageyama into a comfortable half-conscious state.

                The sound of footsteps and a quiet rustling crept into Kageyama’s ears. He wondered what Hinata was doing for a second or two before dismissing the line of thought. In the moment just before he was about to fall back asleep, his eyes shot wide open and he quickly sat up.

                _What the hell does he need the phone for?_

                “Oi, Hinata!” Kageyama called out as he stumbled to his feet and started walking out of the room. “Are you trying to contact your family or something?”

                “Wow, great idea,” Hinata scoffed from the kitchen. “I’m sure getting a text from some random number claiming to be a dead loved one wouldn’t be an upsetting or alarming experience for anyone involved. I’m amazed I didn’t think of it sooner.”

                Upon poking his head into the kitchen, Kageyama found Hinata leaned against the stove with the phone in one hand, a small piece of paper in the other, and a blank expression on his face. “What are you doing then?”

                “I’m helping. What kind of emoji do you normally use?”

                Tilting his head and raising an eyebrow, Kageyama tried to make sense of the question. “None. Are you texting someone?”

                “No, you are.”

                Kageyama felt his stomach lurch. He didn’t know what Hinata was thinking or doing, but he knew that he didn’t like it. A scowl made its way onto his face as he went to stand across from Hinata. “Who?”

                Wordlessly, flatly, Hinata held out the hand that was clutching the piece of paper. Kageyama snatched it up without looking away from Hinata, who didn’t lift his expressionless eyes from the screen in front of him. Almost not wanting to know what it was, Kageyama examined the paper in his hand. At first he was just confused; what did his receipt from earlier today have to do with this? But as soon as he scanned to the bottom of the receipt, it clicked.

                “Hinata, give me the phone.” He tried to keep his voice as calm as he could, but it shook with irritated gloom despite his best efforts.

                “You said I could use it.” Hinata remained perfectly unmoved with his thumb tapping away at the phone.

                “I changed my mind. Give it to me.”

                “I will when I’m done.”

                “Give me the _fucking_ phone, Hinata!” Kageyama hadn’t intended to raise his voice, but he couldn’t keep it down any longer.

                “No.”

                “I swear to god,” Kageyama growled as he reached over to take the phone from Hinata. He had expected Hinata to dodge or grasp it tighter to prevent it from being taken away, but instead he allowed it to slip out of his hand and into Kageyama’s without a shred of resistance.

                Looking at the continued blank expression present on Hinata’s face, Kageyama felt some of his anger dwindle and get replaced by unease. Something was horribly wrong. He glanced down at the phone, and his glare hardened. The message on the screen was, thankfully, still in a draft status, with the number in the recipient field matching the one scrawled messily on the bottom of the receipt. Without even reading what Hinata had typed out, Kageyama deleted the unfinished text and slipped the phone into his pocket. He didn’t want to know what Hinata was planning to do, though it wasn’t hard to figure out even without the details.

                Deciding he wanted to hear Hinata out, Kageyama took a deep breath to placate himself. “Why?”

                “Why not?” Hinata still kept his eyes unfocused on a spot slightly below eye level and miles away. “He was cute, and he liked you and your little flustered act enough to give you his number.”

                Feeling like he’d just been stabbed in the chest, Kageyama let out a humorless laugh. “’Flustered act’? You mean the part where I nearly had a goddamn nervous breakdown?”

                “You’re really not the unlikeable freak you seem to think you are.” For the briefest of moments, Hinata flickered his gaze upwards to look Kageyama in the eye. “There’s at least one person out there who wants to get to know you, so you should give him a chance.”

                Kageyama stood with his mouth agape, unable to believe or accept what he was hearing. “Are you listening to yourself?”

                “Yes.”

                “Do you really think I want to even _think_ about being with anyone except you?”

                “That’s just it, though!” Something finally snapped, and Hinata met Kageyama’s eyes with broken determination. “I’m supposed to get you out so you can live your life and meet new people and go on dates and fall in love and get your heart broken and do it all over again, over and over until you can’t anymore and then over and over again. That’s what you do. You need someone who can _live_ with you, someone real, and you’re never going to find him if you’re stuck on me.”

                “I don’t care about what I’m supposed to do!” Kageyama protested. “I don’t want anyone else, I want you!”

                “You’re only saying that because you haven’t talked to anyone else in years! I just happened to be the first person you let in and now you’ve latched on too hard and I _never_ should have let this happen, I knew it, I knew what would happen and now it’s happening and I need to stop it…”

                “If that’s true then I guess you’re just ‘latching on’ to me because you’ve been cut off and I’m your only option, is that it?” _Why is this happening?_

                “Maybe… Maybe that’s it.” Hinata’s eyes were bloodshot and red, and tears flowed freely down his cheeks. Kageyama desperately wanted to kiss away all of his tears, to hold him tight and tell him everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t. Not now. “Maybe we’re both just desperate for whatever we can get. But you have a chance to find someone else, and you should take it.”

                Fighting back tears of his own, Kageyama felt the world around him start to warp. He wouldn’t let this happen, he couldn’t. “Is that really what you want?”

                “Of course not!” Raising his voice once more, Hinata flurried himself back into a frenzy. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve spent trying to find someone who didn’t get sick of me and move on after three weeks? Why would I want to let you go? I want you to need me, and I can’t stand it! I want you to rely on me for everything, and I want to mess you up so bad you can’t even function without me, and I want you to feel just as empty and dead as I do when we’re not together, and it’s _so fucked up_ , and I need to do the exact opposite of all of that if I want to help you, which I do! But it’s getting so fucking hard to hold back so I need to let you go now before it goes too far and I botch things up even more than I already have! So _please_ , give me back the phone and let me do this for you.”

                Kageyama was completely taken aback, and it took him a moment to process everything. He didn’t know if he should be frightened or thrilled at how absolutely, perversely desperate Hinata was for him. He settled on thrilled. “L-like hell I will after hearing all that!” With trembling hands, Kageyama opened up one of the kitchen drawers and started rummaging around inside it. “You know, I don’t think you could leave me much worse off than I was before you came here even if you tried, so…” He spoke into the drawer as he grabbed onto the small box he was searching for. “So you don’t need to hold anything back.”

                “Kageyama, what are you doing?”

                “I don’t know about you, but having you here has done nothing but good for me, even if it’s hard and uncomfortable sometimes.” Kageyama’s hands and voice grew even shakier as he took the receipt, now crumpled from his grip on it, and put it in the sink. He was only barely aware of what he was doing and why. Everything felt so far away.

                “Kageyama, no.”

                Continuing on as if Hinata weren’t protesting, Kageyama tried to slide the box open, only succeeding in producing a wooden rattling as his hands tremblingly failed him. “I really don’t care if being with you is a mistake. If it is, it’s one that I want to make.”

                “Kageyama,” Hinata darted over to Kageyama’s side and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Put the matches away. You’re scaring me.”

                “No, I need to get rid of this… this thing,” Kageyama spat in the direction of the sink.

                “Then tear it up like a normal person, don’t set it on fire!”

                “But you could still put the pieces back together that way.”

                “Then you could… I don’t know, eat it or something?”

                Over the course of a few seconds of silence, the tension in the air dissipated as the pair stared each other down and tried not to laugh at the absurdity of the entire situation. “…What the fuck, Hinata. I’m not eating paper.”

                “I’ll eat it then, give it to me.” Hinata made a grab at the receipt in the sink as he spoke, but Kageyama quickly snatched it away before he could reach it.

                “I thought you wanted to use it.”

                As Hinata paused, seemingly deep in serious thought, Kageyama took in the heart-wrenching sight of him. His cheeks were divided by wet lines running down from his eyes, and his expression was overflowing with an expansive, conflicted sadness. It didn’t suit him at all, this wilted state. But he was still beautiful. He was always so beautiful.

                Finally, Hinata exhaled with shaky resolve. “I want it gone, too. I want… I know I shouldn’t, but I want to keep you all to myself for as long as I can.”

                “Like I’d let you share me,” Kageyama snarked, turning his head away to hide his effervescent elation. This was a serious moment, definitely not the time to get all giddy. He hurriedly ripped the bottom section off the receipt in his hand and turned it over to Hinata, along with the box of matches. “You do it.”

                Side-eyeing Kageyama, Hinata took the paper and the matches and considered them for a moment. “…I still think setting it on fire is overkill.”

                “But watching it burn would be so satisfying.”

                Hinata rolled his eyes, a smile sneaking its way onto his still tear-streaked face. “You’re just trying to be dramatic.”

                “You like dramatic.” Kageyama gave Hinata a nudge, hoping to alleviate some of the remaining strain hovering around them.

                “It can be fun,” Hinata admitted, finally wiping his face dry with his sleeve. “But for now I think I want to pretend to be normal.”

                Kageyama watched with smoldering satisfaction as Hinata dropped the matches on the counter and started tearing up the strip of paper into tiny pieces. This was the happiest he could remember being at seeing something get destroyed in front of him. Nothing, no one, not any force in the universe would tear him away from Hinata, not ever. Hinata was his, and he was Hinata’s, and he always would be.

                As the thin paper was ripped nearly to dust, Hinata’s shoulders started to shake again. Kageyama quietly wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him in close, dropping a long, soft kiss on the top of his head.

                “This is so not good,” Hinata sobbed. Or maybe laughed. Kageyama couldn’t quite tell which it was. “There’s no way any of this is healthy, and there’s no way it’s going to end well.”

                Kageyama flinched. _End._ “Don’t think about that.”

                “…I’ll try.” Taking a deep breath, Hinata wheeled around to face Kageyama with renewed energy. “Okay! No more thinking, no more holding back, no more worrying, just me and you being a normal, totally ordinary, happy couple. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

                It was nice to think about, so Kageyama allowed himself to believe it, at least for now. “Sounds perfect.”

                “So.” Hinata twisted around in Kageyama’s arms so they were facing each other and flung his arms around his neck. “I guess this means I need to court you properly.”

                “Is that not what you’ve been doing?” Kageyama inquired, genuinely confused.

                “Well, we haven’t even gone on a date or anything yet.”

                “...Is that not what we’ve been doing?”

                Hinata looked up at Kageyama in disbelief. “Do you really think running errands or taking a walk is the same thing as going on a date?”

                Feeling his face heat up, Kageyama turned away. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t tell the difference. “There’s no reason it couldn’t be!”

                Surprisingly, Hinata seemed to light up at Kageyama’s words. “Ooooh, this is actually really good! I can teach you!”

                “Teach me what?”

                “How to go on dates! It’s an important part of life and stuff so I’ll still be helping you and doing what I need to do and I don’t have to feel guilty about it… Not that I would anyway. Because no more thinking, and no more holding back, and no more worrying.” Hinata screwed his eyes shut as he repeated the last part to himself like a mantra.

                “You shouldn’t have been doing any of those things in the first place, dumbass!” Kageyama snapped. Hinata grinned up at him, though the effect was diminished by the fact that his eyes were still puffed up and red.

                “Tomorrow?” When Kageyama shot him a puzzled look, Hinata clarified. “Do you want to go on a proper date tomorrow? I mean, we could go tonight, but today’s been kind of… heavy.”

                _Heavy…_

                Suddenly aware of how completely exhausted he was, Kageyama rested his head on top of Hinata’s and closed his eyes. “Tomorrow.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead! Just having a Bad Time. Among other things, my laptop broke and is now being held together with duct tape. Please send it some positive energy if you have any to spare. (･ω･´)
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is at least 98% pointless fluff so uh... enjoy???  
> (It's garbage I'm sorry ;n;)

                It was precisely seven thirty, the time Hinata said he would arrive for their date, and Kageyama was waiting by the door. He had showered, changed his clothes three times, tidied his apartment, brushed his teeth, trimmed his nails, taken a nap, and showered again because he wasn’t completely sure that he had before, all just in time to be ready an hour and a half ago.

                He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. They went out together every day, so why should today be any different? Why should anything change just because it was their first official date?

                Fidgeting with his hair, Kageyama glanced at the clock. Seven thirty-one.

                _Be patient_ , he told himself, repeating over and over until he forgot the meaning of the words. Somehow, he managed to hold himself over for the few minutes it took for a light set of footsteps to approach and stop outside his door.

                Silently and smoothly, Kageyama slid his fingers around the doorknob and waited for a knock. Several moments passed with his hand itching to turn the knob and his breath slowing to a near stop. At first, he thought it was just his imagination slowing the passage of time, but it soon became apparent that Hinata was taking an unusually long time outside. Letting his curiosity get the better of him, Kageyama peeked out through the peephole. His heart leapt up and collided with his brain as he was met with one of the most endearing sights he had ever set eyes on.

                Hinata stood just on the other side of the door, hands on his cheeks, eyes shut tight, and mouth spread into an enormous grin. He bounced up and down in place, occasionally flapping his arms at his sides or running a hand through his hair, looking a perfect combination of nerve-wracked and excited. Kageyama felt his own elation bubble up as he watched Hinata move to knock on the door and pull back at the last moment to release a silent scream into the evening sky. He wanted to be out there with him, shouting out their pent-up nerves and exhilaration together.

                Unable to wait any longer, Kageyama flung the door open with way more eagerness than he was willing to admit he was capable of. He was absolutely sure that he had some stupid, embarrassing expression on his face, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Hinata standing in front of him, smile and eyes both widening at once.

                “Not fair, I wasn’t ready yet!”

                “It’s your own damn fault for being late,” Kageyama snapped. Or at least he meant to. It came out much closer to a laugh.

                “No, you see, that’s part of the date experience,” Hinata quickly explained with some helpful flailing gestures. “Being on time isn’t cool, so you have to show up a little late. Dating lesson one complete, aren’t you glad you have such an amazing teacher to show you the ropes? There’ll be a quiz at the end, so you’d better pay attention. Are you ready to go? I’m totally ready to go, come on come on come on, let’s go!”

                Kageyama hopped outside, fumbling with his keys as he tried to lock up. “Where are we going?”

                “That depends on what you want to do. On a scale from one to ten, how classy and mature do you want this date to be?” Hinata started down the walkway, letting Kageyama catch up once he had safely placed his keys in his pocket.

                “What’s a one and what’s a ten?”

                “Let’s see…” Hinata linked his arm in Kageyama’s as he rested a hand on his chin, making a wonderful show of being deep in thought. Kageyama’s instincts screamed at him to pull away, _someone will see_ , but he decided to fight them off, at least for now. “A ten would be renting out a couple of tuxes and going to the opera.”

                Kageyama winced, not sure if Hinata was kidding or not. Dealing with regular society was enough of a challenge, and he didn’t even want to think about the social minefield of high society. “Definitely not a ten.” _But it might be nice to see Hinata in formalwear…_

                Hinata shot Kageyama a sly, sideways glance. “And a one would be eating instant ramen on a park bench, then finding an empty bathroom stall to make out in.”

                “That’s…” Kageyama considered for a moment. “That doesn’t sound terrible, actually.”

                “Kageyama, no. That was a joke. Don’t pick that one.”

                “How about a three, then?”

                Humming to himself, Hinata stayed firmly latched to Kageyama’s side as they began descending the stairs at the end of the walkway. “Quick dinner at a family restaurant, then head to an arcade. Sound good?”

                “Good enough for me,” Kageyama said with a soft smile, “but is that the kind of thing adults normally do when they go out?”

                “Hey, you’re the one who picked a three. But if you insist, it’s not too late to switch to… I dunno, a wine tasting or something. And then after that we can talk about the economy. And look at paint swatches. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

                Kageyama smirked down at Hinata, matching the sarcastic grin that was being shot at him. “I’m sure you’d do something stupid to make it interesting.”

                “I’ll take that as a compliment,” Hinata beamed. “But seriously, arcade? Yes?”

                “Yes.”

                “Good.” Expression softening into warm contentment, Hinata nuzzled against Kageyama’s shoulder. “This is gonna be the best date ever.”

\---

                As the pair made their way to a restaurant a few blocks away, Kageyama was pressed with a rather distressing dilemma. Hinata had detached himself from Kageyama’s arm the instant they set foot outside the apartment complex, which Kageyama appreciated and resented in equal parts. He knew what would happen if they walked around arm-in-arm like that, or god forbid, holding hands. The high that came from being out on a date, _a real date_ , was quickly giving way to the pressing weight of anxiety, and the night hadn’t even properly begun.

                Kageyama hated that he was so sensitive to the attention of all the people swarming around on the street. He wished he could openly hold onto Hinata and not give a shit if anyone stared or whispered or shot them dirty looks, but he knew that in reality, the moment anyone so much as glanced at them, he would spiral down into another humiliating episode and the entire night would be ruined.

                He could not ruin this night. Not tonight.

                His anguish only grew as he followed Hinata into the restaurant and sat opposite him in a corner booth. As he glanced around, he noted that it wasn’t horribly crowded, but there were still enough people around to keep him fully on-edge.

                He slipped off his jacket and crumpled it up next to him on the seat, acutely conscious of Hinata’s eyes on him, watching him from across the table. Suddenly aware of how tight his new clothes were compared to what he normally wore, Kageyama smoothed his hands over the front of his shirt, pulling and straightening the fabric along with them. He had worn this one because Hinata had seemed to have taken a particular liking to it when he tried it on the previous day. The deep blue brought out the color of his eyes, or so Hinata had told him.

                “So.” Hinata’s voice startled Kageyama to attention. “Tell me about yourself.”

                Kageyama blinked. Judging by the look on his face, Hinata was at least half serious. “…What?”

                “It’s not a real first date without the awkward getting-to-know-each-other conversation. So tell me about yourself.”

                After darting his eyes around at the word “date” (thankfully, no one seemed to have heard), Kageyama lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “You already know everything there is to know about me.”

                “No I don’t,” Hinata stated matter-of-factly. “What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? Are you a dog person or a cat person? How seriously do you take astrology? Where in the world do you want to travel to most? Do you like scary movies? What are your feelings on cilantro? What are the first five things you would buy if you won the lottery? Can you whistle? What’s y- ah, thank you!”

                Kageyama was almost relieved when a waitress came over and cut Hinata off by placing a small glass of water in front of each of them. She smiled politely back at Hinata, throwing a quick glance in Kageyama’s direction as well. “You’re welcome. Can I get you two anything else to drink?”

                Hinata immediately responded with a loud “Highball!” and a grin. The waitress seemed taken aback by his enthusiasm for a moment, but her smile quickly returned as she nodded and turned to look at Kageyama expectantly.

                Right on cue, Kageyama’s hair stood on end, and he froze in place. What was he supposed to say? What kind of drinks did they even have here? Should he follow Hinata’s lead and go for something alcoholic? Was that the normal thing to do in this situation? No, that probably wasn’t a good idea. He had never really drunk before and had no idea how he would react to it, and now was not a good time to find out. Unless it helped. Would it help? Maybe it would help him loosen up, help him forget where he was and all the people around and the attention on him and _for fuck’s sake, stop looking at me!_

                “He might need a minute, if that’s okay.”

                Hinata’s voice broke through the dense air like a beacon, sending a wave of calm washing down over Kageyama from the top of his head. Suddenly aware of the breath he was holding in, he exhaled as he watched the waitress walk away with another friendly nod. He mouthed a silent “thank you” across the table.

                Smiling more with his eyes than his mouth, Hinata reached over to grab two menus from their holder by the wall on the table, gently thwacking Kageyama on the head with one before laying it in front of him. “Just relax and tell me what you want. I’ll do all the talking, so there’s nothing for you to worry about.”

                Kageyama sank slightly in his seat, Hinata’s tone easing him into something resembling a comfortable state. After quickly running over his fingers over the spot on his head where the menu had hit him, he flipped the thin booklet open to an arbitrary page. “What ever happened to helping me grow as a person?”

                “That’s not what tonight’s about,” Hinata said, leaning against the wall and casually looking over the menu in front of him, “so you’re off the hook this time. Now, what were we talking about before?”

                “You were asking me a bunch of stupid questions and not giving me any time to answer.”

                “Oh yeah!” Brightening up in an instant, Hinata eagerly leaned over the table, propping himself up with his elbows. Kageyama judged by the barely noticable way he was rocking back and forth that he was probably swinging his legs under the table. “What’s your favorite color?”

                “That wasn’t even one of the questions,” Kageyama griped, glowering half-heartedly at the bouncing ball of bright orange energy before him.

                “I forgot them all, so I’m starting over. Now tell me your favorite color or I’ll kick you.”

                “I really don’t see what colors have to do with anyth- _ow!_ ” Kageyama’s knee jerked up as Hinata’s foot collided with it under the table. “What the hell was that for?”

                Hinata looked at him like he’d said something incredibly dumb. “I said I was going to.”

                “I didn’t think you’d actually do it!”

                “You really should know me better than that by now,” Hinata teased. “So I guess it’s a good thing we’re getting to know each other here. Favorite color. Now.”

                Kageyama started answering without thinking, catching himself after “Or-” had already slipped out of his mouth. Hinata’s bouncing quickened in its pace, and Kageyama could almost swear there were stars in his eyes. _Don’t say orange, stupid!_ “Black. What about you?”

                Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, Hinata knitted his brows at Kageyama, gaze piercing straight into his eyes. “I was gonna say that I’ve always liked a nice, dark blue, but since we’re lying here, I guess it’s green or something.”

                “Th-that’s not fair!” Kageyama stuttered, flushing and bristling.

                “How so?” Hinata demanded. When Kageyama failed to stammer out a response, he continued on. “That’s what I thought. Now it’s your turn to ask something.”

                Fidgeting restlessly, Kageyama racked his brain for a suitable question to ask. It had to be something that he wanted to know, but something light and conversational. Hinata awaited his question ever so patiently. When the waitress came back to drop off Hinata’s drink, Kageyama was allowed a bit more time to flounder, but he knew he’d have to come up with something soon.

                Hinata said something to the waitress before she walked away, but Kageyama wasn’t paying close enough attention to catch what it was. He wondered how much longer he could get away with remaining silent, and watched as Hinata lifted his drink to his mouth. The quiet clink of ice on glass chimed in Kageyama’s ears as he observed how perfectly the sparkling amber liquid suited Hinata from an aesthetic perspective, how his lips clung to the glass and parted as he drank, how his throat bobbed when he swallowed.

                _Can you get drunk watching someone else drink? Second-hand drunkness? Is that a thing?_

                It was high time Kageyama asked his question, and he knew it, but he still didn’t have one. So he just blurted something out.

                “Shoe size?”

                Glass still at his mouth, Hinata made a confused face and “Hm?”-ed before letting his eyes go wide and coughing, spewing drops of whiskey and soda out over the table.

                “Are you okay?” Kageyama lifted slightly out of his seat, ready to do something, though he didn’t know what.

                Hinata nodded, tears in his eyes and coughing into his sleeve. “Yeah, I just-” He coughed again. “-wasn’t expecting you to ask such an _interesting_ question.”

                “What? How is it- …oh. Oh! No!” Realizing the alternative, rather vulgar way his question could be interpreted, Kageyama felt himself redden from his face at least down to his shoulders. “That’s not what I meant, I just-… Just… Just forget I asked! I don’t want to know!”

                “Don’t you?” Hinata chirped, his coughs rapidly transforming into laughter.

                “Yes!” Kageyama’s brain was running several steps behind his mouth. “No! Shut up!”

                “You know, if you want to know something like that, you could just ask directly.”

                “I wasn’t asking that!”

                “I mean, this isn’t the best place for it, but I wouldn’t be opposed to telling you.”

                “Oh my god…” Kageyama hunched over the table and lifted his menu up to hide his face, effectively blocking him and Hinata from each other’s view.

                “…Or showing you.”

                From the muffled sound of it, Hinata had mumbled the last bit into his drink. Kageyama tightened his grip on the menu and glanced around at the nearby tables. By some miracle, no one seemed to be paying the pair any mind. He breathed, in and out, calming himself. If anyone were listening, he probably would have died of shame on the spot. But they weren’t. No one was listening. No one cared.

                “Hey.” Hinata nudged Kageyama’s lower leg with his foot to get his attention. “Do you know what you want to eat yet?”

                “No.” Kageyama was grateful for both the change in subject and the contact, however brief. He shifted his leg so that is was just barely resting against Hinata’s. Even though it wasn’t skin-to-skin, the feeling of Hinata against him in any way was comforting.

                “Do you wanna just get a bunch of stuff and split it?”

                Kageyama closed his menu and sat up straight, finally able to look Hinata in the face again. “Sure. You can go ahead order whatever.”

                “Really?” Hinata beamed, and Kageyama nodded back. They both knew Hinata would be the one eating most of it anyway. “You should choose at least one thing though, or I’ll feel bad.”

                “Um, something involving curry, then.”

                “You’ve got it!” Grinning from ear to ear, Hinata reached over and pressed the button to buzz the waitress over.

\---

                Somehow, the table wound up covered with a small pizza, curry udon, fries, karaage, a salad, a plate of sandwiches, some unknown pasta dish, and a strawberry parfait. No matter how Kageyama looked at it, it was entirely too much food for two people. And yet, somehow, they powered through it all. Well, mostly Hinata had, of course, but Kageyama at least partially carried his weight this time, managing to eat a full meal’s worth.

                “Shit, that was a terrible idea,” Hinata grumbled, downing the last of his fourth drink. His face had become a glowing shade of pink, and he was running his mouth even more than usual, causing Kageyama at least a smidge of worry. He had no clue how much alcohol was too much, so he had no choice but to trust that Hinata knew what he was doing and could handle himself. “Who the hell got us this much food? What an asshole.”

                “You know you’re talking about yourself, right?”

                Ignoring Kageyama’s interjection, Hinata groaned loudly. “How’re we supposed to be all lovey-dovey if we both feel like we’re gonna explode? Kageyama! How could you let this happen?”

                “Don’t blame me, I didn’t do anything.” Kageyama playfully kicked Hinata under the table. He had long since forgotten to check his surroundings for watching eyes, focusing the entirety of his attention on Hinata. Beautiful, wonderful, admittedly tipsy Hinata.

                “Exactly, you should have stopped me. This is all your fault.”

                “You wouldn’t have let me stop you even if I tried!”

                “Not the point. I’m all full and gross and I’ve decided that you’re to blame and that’s that.” Hinata glared at Kageyama accusingly. “God, why do I even have a stomach? Shouldn’t it just be an endless pit or something, like, what’s the point? As far as I know it doesn’t even go anywhere, so why must I suffer like this? Tell me. Tell me, Kageyama. Why is this happening?”

                “How should I know?” Although he knew he should probably be irritated, Kageyama found himself more amused than anything else. There was a weird feeling in his throat and his mouth and his eyes and his fingertips that he didn’t quite know what to do with.

                “Kageyama. Kageyama, suffer with me,” Hinata whined. Kageyama was thoroughly enjoying how often and how clumsily his name was falling out of Hinata’s mouth. He wanted to hear it more, enough times that he would never forget the sound. “Don’t tell me you’re okay. You have the stomach capacity of like… a small fruit bat, there’s no way you’re okay. Are you okay? I’m not okay. Kageyama, why did you do this to me? How could you? I thought you cared. I thought you were special.”

                Feeling his cheeks flush, Kageyama hooked his ankle around Hinata’s and pulled it towards him. “If you don’t stop complaining, I’m going to leave you here.”

                “Noooooooo…” Hinata looked absolutely mortified as he slid down in his seat to tangle his legs with Kageyama’s further. “I’ll be good, I’ll be quiet, please don’t go, Kageyama. I won’t let you go. If you try to go, I’m gonna tackle you.”

                “I’m not going anywhere, dumbass. Not without you.”

                “Good, cuz there’s still lots of stuff I wanna do with you tonight,” Hinata giggled, putting a finger to his mouth to bite his nail. “ _Lots_ of stuff. Lots of… _stuff._ ”

                Trying his hardest not to think about the suggestion behind Hinata’s words, Kageyama grabbed his jacket off the seat and started pulling it on. Hinata shot him a hardened look and doubled the force with which he held Kageyama’s legs in place. “Calm down, I’m not trying to get away from you. I just… want to get going.”

                “You have to wait until I’m ready to move.”

                “How long is that going to be?”

                “Like… an hour, probably.”

                Kageyama glared over the table. “If we wait that long, I don’t think I’ll have energy left for anything else.”

                “No! Stuff! We gotta do stuff! Let’s go, let’s go!” With absolutely none of the difficulty his stream of complaints suggested he would have, Hinata scrambled out of his seat and grabbed the check off the end of the table. “Hurry up, god, why are you so slow?”

                “Sorry for not being as hyperactive as you!” Kageyama snapped, zipping up his jacket as he scooted over to the edge of the booth.

                “Apology accepted. Up, up, up, come on, I gotta pay for this.”

                “Where do you even get money, anyway?” Kageyama’s joints popped as he stood up and stretched in place.

                Hinata looked up at him incredulously. “My pockets. Obviously. Jeez, your brain’s even slower than the rest of you.”

                “No, I meant- …You know what, never mind.” Sighing, Kageyama resigned himself to the fact that there were some things about Hinata that couldn’t be explained.

                After everything was paid for and settled, the pair stepped outside together and began their trek to the arcade. The familiar conflict between Kageyama’s desires to disappear into the background and pull Hinata against him started up with full force. He shoved his hands in his pockets in an attempt to reduce the temptation.

                Hinata wasn’t making it easy. Swaying a bit as he walked, he would occasionally brush hard against Kageyama’s side. A couple of times he stumbled into Kageyama completely, letting his hands linger on him as he giggled out an apology and pushed himself off, his eyes saying anything but “sorry”. It was almost too much to bear, and Kageyama thought he might give in, when they finally walked through a set of automatic sliding glass doors.

                If Kageyama had been looking around, he probably would have been overwhelmed by the flashing lights and the loud music and the gaggles of boisterous high school and university students and the memories they would drag back up, but he wasn’t. He was focused on how Hinata seemed to glow in the bluish light, how his eyes sparkled and reflected a million shining colors as they surveyed their surroundings, how he was quivering trying to suppress his excitement.

                When Hinata blindly latched onto his hand, entwining their fingers together and dragging him off in the direction of whatever had caught his eye, Kageyama didn’t even flinch.

                He didn’t care. He was enjoying himself and they were together and he didn’t care who saw.

                It was liberating.

                “Kageyama! Taiko! Play taiko with me!!” Hinata had to yell to make himself heard over all the music and voices and sound effects coming from the vast array of machines. A quick couple of seconds later, the two situated themselves side by side in front of a set of matching drums, and Hinata forcefully shoved a pair of thick, wooden sticks into Kageyama’s hands. “Have you played before?”

                “Yeah, back in hig-” Kageyama quickly shook his head. _Don’t think about that, not now._ “I have.”

                Hinata grinned widely as he dropped two coins into the machine. “Good, then it’ll be more satisfying when I totally beat you.”

                “Like hell you will!” Kageyama challenged, tightening his grip on the sticks in his hands.

                It turned out that Hinata was rather good at this game. He probably would have been even better if he hadn’t stumbled over the rhythm in a few simple places, though Kageyama suspected he wouldn’t have missed under normal circumstances. In fact, he likely would have won.

                “Eehhhhhh? How did I lose?” Hinata demanded from the machine after being defeated by a narrow margin on both of the set of songs. Glowering, he wheeled around on Kageyama. “You cheated, I know it! What did you do?”

                “I played better than you.” When Hinata pouted up at him petulantly, Kageyama reached out and ruffled his hair, managing to be both menacing and affectionate. “Try again when you’re sober and maybe you’ll stand a chance.”

                Hinata pulled Kageyama’s hand out of his hair and tried to smooth it down with his own, to little effect. “What’s that supposed to mean?”’

                “Exactly what it sounds like.”

                “You think I’m _drunk?_ ”

                “I know you are.”

                “Ohhh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, Kageyama. Kageyamaaaaa!” Hinata looked a bizarre mix of affronted and entertained. “Why? Why would you think that? Wh- why would I even want to be drunk right now? I want to have a good time, and I want you to have a good time, and I want this to be a fun date for both of us and I want to remember it, not get drunk all by myself and have you babysit me. I mean, I had a few drinks, yeah, but that doesn’t make me drunk, oh my god, Kageyama. Have you ever even been around drunk people? Do you have any idea what they’re like? I know you’ve never even seen me drunk, and trust me, if you knew what I was like, you would _definitely_ know that I am not-”

                “You’re rambling, dumbass.” Honestly, Kageyama didn’t understand why Hinata was getting so defensive about it. As long as he didn’t throw up on him or anything like that, he didn’t really care.

                “That’s not important! What’s important here is…” Closing his eyes, frustrated, Hinata took a deep breath. “Look, it’s really important to me that you know that I’m completely aware of everything I’m doing and I want to do it and I’m _not drunk_ , okay? I’m like… maybe a little buzzed, but that’s totally different. Okay? I’m not slurring or anything, am I?”

                “Only a bit, but that’s…” Kageyama sighed into his hand. The more Hinata tried to convince him, the less convincing his argument was. “It really doesn’t matter to me, so can we just drop it and keep playing?”

                “It matters to me! Please, I just… I need- I need you to know… Shit, I should have just had tea or something…”

                This wasn’t right. They were supposed to be having fun, not bickering about something stupid. And Hinata most certainly was not supposed to be on the verge of tears.

                “Okay, I don’t really get why this is such a big deal to you,” Kageyama started, unsure of himself, “but it wears off, right? Probably pretty quick for you, too. We can just wait it out.”

                Hinata shuffled his feet. “…So you’ll believe me later?”

                “Yeah, why not.”

                “Then we’re not leaving until then. We can’t go until you know I’m… here.” Making a vague motion around his head, Hinata looked to Kageyama for confirmation.

                “So we’re staying until you stop sucking, is what I’m hearing,” Kageyama smirked, nodding in the direction of the game machine.

                A renewed fire lit up Hinata’s eyes as he slammed two more coins into the slot. “Oh, I’m taking you _down_ , you smug piece of shit!”

\---

                Twelve songs and one rapidly-forming blood blister later, Hinata had found his rhythm and was on a winning streak, bringing him to a solid tie with Kageyama.

                “One more!” Hinata gleefully exclaimed. Before he could dump any more money into the machine, Kageyama covered up the coin slot with one hand.

                “Maybe we should try something else.”

                “But I’m doing so well! You just don’t want me to win, do you?”

                “My hands are going to start bleeding if we play much more.” Kageyama pinched one of Hinata’s puffed-up cheeks hard, pulling the pout off his face.

                “Ow ow ow ow!” Wincing and flailing, Hinata batted the invading hand away. “So you give up? That means I win right? What do you wanna do next, what next what next?”

                It seemed there wasn’t anything Hinata wasn’t eager to play. While he gravitated in particular towards rhythm games, all of which he was at least moderately good at, he dragged Kageyama to every corner of the building, challenging him to everything from survival horror shooters (they both screamed, which became a sort of contest in itself), to fighters (which nearly ended in Kageyama strangling Hinata because he still refused to stop _goddamn button-mashing_ ), and at one point even a dating sim (“That’s not even a two-player game, Hinata.” “C’mon, it’ll be funny!”). Kageyama was pretty sure they’d played every game in the place twice, and he had no idea how much time had gone by. Raising a hand to his mouth, he tried to stifle a yawn.

                “Do you wanna head back?” Hinata’s voice popped from Kageyama’s side, clear as daylight. He both looked and sounded ready to keep going through the night. “It’s getting pretty late.”

                “We can stay longer if you want. I don’t want to keep you from… from…” Another yawn struggled free from Kageyama’s throat.

                Hinata hit him with a soft, fond laugh. “Don’t worry about that, I’m ready to go whenever. Only if you say the magic words, though.”

                Confused, Kageyama tilted his head to the side. “Please?”

                “Not that one, stupid! You have to admit I’m not drunk.”

                “You’re not drunk.”

                “…That was too easy. You’re not just saying that, are you?”

                He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “You haven’t stumbled over yourself in at least an hour. You’re speaking properly. You’re fine.”

                “No take-backs.” Hinata shot him a pointed glare.

                “Why would I want to take it back?” Kageyama’s voice came out much harsher than he intended. Maybe he was more tired than he was willing to admit.

                “You’re just not allowed to!” Hinata demanded, sticking out both his tongue and his hand. “Let’s go?”

                After a moment of hesitation, Kageyama took Hinata’s hand, and they walked out onto the street side by side.

                It was a long walk back to Kageyama’s apartment, and it passed almost entirely in silence. Kageyama would catch Hinata giving him a sideways glance every once in a while, every one followed by a subdued grin and a squeeze of the hand.

                “Well, that was fun.” Hinata slipped away from Kageyama as they approached his door, putting a bit of distance between them. “See you tomorrow.”

                Kageyama whipped his head around and nearly dropped his keys on the ground. “What? Why?”

                “Do you not want me to come tomorrow?”

                “No, I mean, why are you going?”

                “’Cuz it’s our first date, and that’s how it goes.” Hinata put his hands on his hips, trying to keep a straight face. “I drop you off, then go long silently for you from the void, and you stay here, alone, unable to sleep, thinking of me, maybe touching yourself a little. Normal after-date stuff.”

                With that, Kageyama actually did drop his keys. He felt a burning heat spread over his face and his ears like wildfire. Keeping his face pointed downwards to hide his intense blush, he hurriedly bent down to pick up his keys, the jangling sound clashing with his own voice as he stuttered and tried to form a coherent sentence in his mind. “Th- I- B- Wh- You- I don’t-”

                “Awwww, you’re so easy to fluster.”

                “It- It’s your fault for suddenly saying embarrassing shit like that!” Kageyama snapped over his shoulder as he fumbled with the lock on his door.

                “Is it embarrassing? I think it’s pretty normal.”

                “Unlike you, most people have a sense of shame.” Said shame was threatening to burn the skin on his face clear off if the subject didn’t change soon. The door finally rattled open, and Kageyama nodded towards it. “Are you coming in, or were you serious about leaving?”

                Hinata’s hand shot up to his mouth as he gasped, feigning scandalized. “On the first date? I’m not that kind of guy, you know!”

                Normally, Kageyama would be painfully aware of that fact, but after some of the things Hinata had been saying tonight, he wasn’t so sure anymore. Turning away, he walked through the doorway and started closing the door behind him. “Good night, then.”

                “Wait, no! I was kidding! Don’t leave me out here!” Hinata forced his way through, pushing past the door to Kageyama’s side. “I’m not done with you yet.”

                The door clicked shut as Kageyama covered up a yawn. “You sound like you have something else planned.”

                “I do! Or, I did. You seem pretty sleepy, though.” Expression full of soft concern, Hinata threw his arms around Kageyama’s neck to glide his fingers through his hair and across his nape. Kageyama closed his eyes and eased into the touch, placing his hands on Hinata’s waist in return. It felt so calming, finally being alone with him, being able to touch him freely.

                “I’m fine. I just need to recover, I guess.”

                “From being out for so long?” Hinata inquired. Kageyama nodded his head in confirmation and rested his forehead against Hinata’s. “Want me to leave you alone for a bit?”

                “No.” That was the last thing he wanted. “Stay with me.”

                Hinata tilted his head up and pulled Kageyama down into a gentle kiss. His lips were perfectly soft and warm, and they felt like comfort and home and beams of sunlight on a cold day. Kageyama dragged a lazy hand up Hinata’s spine, pulling him closer and feeling his chest expand and contract with every breath.

                As their kiss deepened, tongues sliding over lips and teeth, Kageyama barely registered his jacket being peeled off and dropping onto the floor. He was much more concerned with how Hinata’s body molded against his, how everything about Hinata felt so right, like he was tailor-made just for this, for Kageyama. An all too familiar urge to seek out bare skin wrenched at Kageyama’s stomach as they breathed into each other, but he resisted. He didn’t want to spoil a perfectly good date night trying to push too far. Instead, he settled for pulling Hinata closer, gripping him tighter, kissing him harder, and he told himself this was enough. This would satisfy him. It had to.

                It didn’t.

                “Kageyama…” Hinata breathed out his name like a plea as Kageyama moved from his mouth to his neck, kissing and biting and licking without restraint. All of the tired sluggishness drained from Kageyama’s body and was replaced by heated, burning desire, fueled by Hinata’s hands tugging at his hair and roaming over his chest and clawing at his back and breaking away to lift his shirt over his head and _wait, what?_

                There was a flash of blue and nothing else as Kageyama’s view was obstructed by fabric being pulled up and off of him. He hadn’t even noticed himself raising his arms up to comply with Hinata’s motions, but sure enough, he was now left with upper body completely exposed and open to whatever scrutiny or appreciation Hinata wanted to throw at it. Torn between excitement and confusion, Kageyama reached out to pull Hinata back into his arms, searching his eyes for some kind of explanation.

                “…You’ve got a scary look on your face.” Hinata scowled, presumably imitating whatever expression Kageyama was currently making.

                “It’s not scary, it’s my face!”

                “You can’t see it. It’s totally scary. Which means you’re probably thinking something stupid.”

                “It’s not something stupid, stupid.” Kageyama tugged hard on Hinata’s ear, ignoring the protests and “ow”s that spilled out of his mouth. “I’m trying to figure out why you’re suddenly okay with this.”

                “Okay with…? Oh my god. You really are an idiot,” Hinata said with a look like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “There is nothing sudden about this.”

                Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows, trying to make sense of everything. “But you always stopped me before we could do anything.”

                “Yeah, I’m pretty sure we already talked about this. I said I was holding back, remember?”

                “I- I didn’t know that was what you meant!” Kageyama sputtered, his cheeks deepening in hue by the second.

                “How could you not know that? Do you need me to spell everything out for you?”

                “Yes, actually, that would be incredibly helpful.”

                “Okay. Okay then.” Hinata’s hands met in front of his mouth as he took a steadying breath, short on patience. “What I want right now – what I’ve been waiting for all night, and what I’ve wanted since the first time you attached yourself to my neck without warning – is for you to drag me over to your bed, or the table, or the kitchen counter, or the shower, or the floor, I’m really not feeling too picky about where right now, and I want you to slam me down and fuck me so hard I see double for a week. Is that clear enough for you?”

                All of the cogs in Kageyama’s mind stopped at once. A high-pitched, breathy creaking noise stung at his ears, and it took a good ten seconds for him to realize he was the one making it. He snapped his mouth shut to try to stop it, but it just turned into some kind of twisted hum instead.

                “Hello? Kageyama?” Hinata snapped his fingers right in front of Kageyama’s eyes, causing him to blink and flinch.

                “You’ve been drinking.”

                _Stupid! Stupid, stupid!_

                The glare that Hinata sent up at Kageyama threatened to set him on fire. “Don’t you dare. I’m fine and you know it.”

                “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

                _No no no stop talking shut up and take him to bed_

“Good thing I’m here to help you, then.” Hinata pushed his hands flat against Kageyama’s stomach and slid them up, over his chest, across his neck, and settled them back into their favorite spot threaded in his hair. The only intelligible thought Kageyama could produce was an internal complaint about how unfair it was that Hinata was still fully clothed.

                “That’s not…”

                _For the love of god, shut the fuck up and MOVE._

“Oh? Did you want me to do you instead? You didn’t strike me as the type, but I’m fine either way.”

                Kageyama couldn’t honestly say that he hadn’t thought about that, and he couldn’t say it didn’t appeal to him, but then again he couldn’t say, or do, much of anything right now. It was almost funny. When he imagined himself losing control over himself with Hinata (and he imagined it often), there was always much more reckless motion and wandering hands and tongues, and much less _not being able to fucking move._

                His own voice nearly startled him, despite how quite it was. “P-please.”

                A devilish grin spread slowly across Hinata’s face as his fingers slithered down to hook themselves in Kageyama’s belt loops, pulling him out of the entranceway and towards the bed. “Since you asked so nicely…”

\---

                “This is bad.”

                Kageyama froze in place for what felt like the hundredth time that night, one arm slung around Hinata’s bare hips, lips hovering over a deepening red mark on his shoulder. Hinata had seemed anything but displeased during the act, but a few minutes into their after-glowing cuddle session, he had started to get jittery.

                “What’s bad?” Kageyama asked, concerned. Had he done something wrong? Was it him? Was he what was bad? There was no way he could have hurt him, right? Kageyama was the one aching in places he didn’t even know could hurt, not that he was complaining.

                Fidgeting, Hinata turned onto his side so his back was pressed against Kageyama’s stomach. Their skin stuck together in kind of a gross way, but neither of them was about to say anything about it. “I’m way too happy right now,” Hinata mumbled, attempting to muffle his voice with the pillow. “It’s terrible.”

                Kageyama’s body relaxed as he released an exasperated sigh and pinched hard on Hinata’s hip. “Shit, I was actually worried about you for a minute, you know. How is that terrible?”

                “It’s the worst and it’s all your fault! How am I supposed to… atone for my sins or whatever I’m supposed to be doing if I’m like this? I hope you’re ready to take respo- no, stop that. Stop it, you’re making it worse!”

                This time, Kageyama didn’t freeze, didn’t break his mouth away from where he was trailing kisses up and down Hinata’s neck and back and shoulders. When he spoke, it was directly into Hinata’s skin, letting his words sink into it along with his breath. “If being happy is bad, I’m having a really awful time.”

                Hinata turned his head as far as he could without interrupting Kageyama’s steady rain of kisses to try to glare at him. “You’re not helping.”

                “Being with you makes me happier than I ever thought I could be.”

                “Oh my god, stop that.”

                “All the awful thoughts and memories clear away and there’s just you.”

                “Kageyama, no.”

                “I’m gonna keep you forever.”

                “Graahhhh!” Growling and smiling, Hinata cried out and flipped over, pressing his full weight onto Kageyama along with a long, bright kiss. “If you keep saying stuff like that, I’ll burst. For real. You don’t want to clean that up.”

                Kageyama raised his eyebrows suggestively as he nodded down at the sheets beneath them. “I’ll need to clean up either way.”

                “Ugh, I was trying not to think about that.” Nose wrinkled in disgust, Hinata flopped down onto Kageyama’s chest, burrowing his face in the crook of his neck and lazily stroking at the hair behind his ear. “We can put it off a little longer, right?”

                “…I don’t think I can get up yet anyway.”

                There was a sharp intake of breath across Kageyama’s neck as Hinata winced apologetically. “Sorry. I’ll be gentler next time, I was just _really_ excited.”

                _Next time…_

                Kageyama liked the sound of that.

                “Hey, Hinata.”

                “Hm?”

                “I…” He hesitated for a moment, letting his hands sweep down the entirety of Hinata’s back and enjoying the way his body pressed against him in response. “I don’t want you to go tonight.”

                “Then I won’t,” Hinata responded immediately.

                Having grown accustomed to Hinata insisting on leaving every night, Kageyama was taken aback at how readily he had agreed. Maybe this was also part of not holding back. “You’ll stay?”

                “That’s what I said, idiot.”

                “I don’t want you to leave tomorrow, either.”

                Hinata nuzzled in closer to Kageyama’s neck. “Then I won’t.”

                “Or the next day.”

                “…Then I won’t.”

                “Or the next.”

                “Kageyama.” Hinata propped himself up onto his elbow to better look Kageyama in the eye. “Your bed is tiny. Your apartment is tiny. You’re going to get tired of having me around and want your own space at some point.”

                “I’ll never not want you around,” Kageyama protested, running his fingertips through the disheveled mane of Hinata’s hair.

                Casting his gaze downward, Hinata bit his lip in distant consideration. “You say that now…”

                “I mean it. Stay here with me.”

                He took a deep breath, glancing between Kageyama’s eyes and some point down and far away. “…Okay.”

                Something fluttered deep in Kageyama’s chest and spread out to his arms, causing them to clamp down hard on the tiny body they surrounded. He suddenly felt like crying. Instead, he channeled all of his emotions to his mouth as he pulled Hinata in close, lavishing him with kisses all over his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his mouth, his jaw, anywhere he could reach, trying to convey his feelings through touch where words were failing. As Hinata leaned into each and every kiss, letting out tiny laughs and contended sighs, Kageyama swore to himself he would never let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe someday I will write smut.  
> Today is not that day.


End file.
